tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13723326545637914572024-03-14T04:14:49.103-07:00Curious GirlAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-83648156980598611932015-06-08T08:00:00.000-07:002015-06-08T08:00:24.043-07:00Wordless Week<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Yours truly bought a camera.</b></span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My parents at my age.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDIDoaRlDtr1fpi-qdinBTjqZiYncRHfKyMd4l9wlKHHq-qeYjbWUxmHRhBiUoftMDhL9LAU0EYCbucjFfgdTlMpTi0gffJ-hFpNg_Azc9NM8QGsFhBWCsdFPWIagk7vseZ-Oo_0iEiiy/s1600/DSC_0151.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDIDoaRlDtr1fpi-qdinBTjqZiYncRHfKyMd4l9wlKHHq-qeYjbWUxmHRhBiUoftMDhL9LAU0EYCbucjFfgdTlMpTi0gffJ-hFpNg_Azc9NM8QGsFhBWCsdFPWIagk7vseZ-Oo_0iEiiy/s640/DSC_0151.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Joy"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0sGKtgoOTlblJfSoqAdxmINrY3kiYlt5j5yjytXXB3-fslGa_1fr5SDxNVNJmq6OaayZZrPKp_aszrgKySg72fF8KcWQ4EkvUXKx7fEIFkMDlIxDRl54fZ4KsptcHcbahizxR9ecIC5p7/s1600/DSC_0185.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0sGKtgoOTlblJfSoqAdxmINrY3kiYlt5j5yjytXXB3-fslGa_1fr5SDxNVNJmq6OaayZZrPKp_aszrgKySg72fF8KcWQ4EkvUXKx7fEIFkMDlIxDRl54fZ4KsptcHcbahizxR9ecIC5p7/s640/DSC_0185.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Doing"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLuiy2umuGrRgJyC38eze7m_zbbhm8bkTf6NEhnYXj6UHiktvkz-HNqLjDEhyKUAgiY6akc1t8LqJk7_xpX9Z-LFBKipv5EHhTztz6mWdEeKnEUt8jjcdzp4lnTeE2DIGVpKUyivpDzM3i/s1600/DSC_0495.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLuiy2umuGrRgJyC38eze7m_zbbhm8bkTf6NEhnYXj6UHiktvkz-HNqLjDEhyKUAgiY6akc1t8LqJk7_xpX9Z-LFBKipv5EHhTztz6mWdEeKnEUt8jjcdzp4lnTeE2DIGVpKUyivpDzM3i/s640/DSC_0495.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Adventure"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD07V4rudJDLNaadKkdoZR_U30EAC4ijv0tYsMRvq6rxeK3lxY4OkvHiUsL-G6pMrZNAgzySwmO7Oo-Dn5Qzc89rDh91k3I_URdVccOM2WrUTwT3xOLeool6f4PnLbhWKTY2C5UMPkaDFP/s1600/DSC_0271.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD07V4rudJDLNaadKkdoZR_U30EAC4ijv0tYsMRvq6rxeK3lxY4OkvHiUsL-G6pMrZNAgzySwmO7Oo-Dn5Qzc89rDh91k3I_URdVccOM2WrUTwT3xOLeool6f4PnLbhWKTY2C5UMPkaDFP/s640/DSC_0271.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ordinary"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVNVhAWJewcwtfcCC9r8GCxDGFwfFn8oMfEKE1WZ9fHFnvZUFbm8lbFSEIALGTtr6MWmFLfFPdagGXeI9hmKOB9R8YSlunBJfYXV-3WYj9JYqzTIBjEg-uHVy5EG8infFIafjEHF2AzkAe/s1600/DSC_0311.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVNVhAWJewcwtfcCC9r8GCxDGFwfFn8oMfEKE1WZ9fHFnvZUFbm8lbFSEIALGTtr6MWmFLfFPdagGXeI9hmKOB9R8YSlunBJfYXV-3WYj9JYqzTIBjEg-uHVy5EG8infFIafjEHF2AzkAe/s640/DSC_0311.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">City</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyBJ-UUO03dNSZ3IKHrMfJ-iLnNXd2DSKEXu3tZQNaLRBgo3sf9LEN2QKGqxCNmwdM_ACcZTp734guqjn4_k8PWag6gWX9wNn_SOryvV2nDDnZ4hduFztgRrObzzA2VH6n6vR18FIwHWIx/s1600/DSC_0344.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyBJ-UUO03dNSZ3IKHrMfJ-iLnNXd2DSKEXu3tZQNaLRBgo3sf9LEN2QKGqxCNmwdM_ACcZTp734guqjn4_k8PWag6gWX9wNn_SOryvV2nDDnZ4hduFztgRrObzzA2VH6n6vR18FIwHWIx/s640/DSC_0344.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">11:00</td></tr>
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This is gonna be a fun summer...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-86148268675143959412015-06-03T15:38:00.000-07:002015-06-03T15:38:22.181-07:00Distinct: How It ShowsIn which I get mad, mention "soul distinction", and divide the whole world into just two groups.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Boys and girls, this is a short tale about the time a generation forgot...</span></span></b></div>
<br />
they forgot what they are to be about. And I mean the Christian kids. The awkward, lovingly sheltered, semi-socialized goofs I so happily grew up with, in all the churches I rotated through as a child/teenager. At large, something definitely morphed. Almost all over the place. <br />
<br />
I got upset. <i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>Wha...what happened, guys? When did we decide that our social rankings and entertainment and material gratification were what we were most important?! When did we say that we were simply happy to be forgiven and then not live in utter gratitude of that forgiveness? </i>(when I say I get upset, this means I got really mad in private and huffily wrote out my feelings in a notebook a midnight. I don't think I could yell at my friends if they were trying to kill me.) <br />
<br />
When I say "at large" I mean there still those who can be
found, scattered among all the others, who still want to hold tight to a
faith, God, <i>something</i> deeper. Even these are hard to spot,
because they have the immense difficulty of holding on to something
everyone else seems to take so lightly.<br />
<br />
Rewind only six or seven years. We looked different. We stuck out. <i>A lot</i>. Like sore thumbs. We were pretty proud of it, too. Our speech, our actions, our dress, how we spent our free time.We were the good kids, and we were <i>special.</i><br />
<br />
Okay, this attitude really had it's flaws. We stuck up our noses a little to much. Anything our parents said was worldly, we took to the next step, snubbing it, seeing anything mom and dad said was bad, as absolute filth.(Not to say their isn't filth to be snubbed in this world.<i> Golly</i> this subject is hard to balance.)<br />
<br />
I'm gonna make somebody mad...but <i>to a degree</i>, <b>I think we stuck our noses so high in the air because <i>that worldliness appealed to all of us on some level or another</i></b><i>.</i> We knew it was bad, we knew we would get in trouble if we tried it. But somewhere in those brains of ours, I <i>know</i> things appealed to us. <i>"Ok it's vain but I sure wouldn't mind trying to be prettier. It's selfish, but it would be nice to be rich. It's lazy, but some of those video games look pretty fun."</i><br />
<br />
How could I have the audacity to make a blanket statement: that all super conservative kids secretly, almost subconsciously want to be less conservative? Because we are fallen human beings, naturally selfish and all bent towards desire and gratification.<br />
<br />
We're sinners. It's kinda what we do. <br />
<br />
One of my favorite quotes ever? "Be in the world and not of it."<br />
<br />
I am immersed in this world. In its people, its music, its beliefs, its griefs and sorrows, its moralities and immoralities, its media and styles. It swarms all around me, up against my skin, in my face, screaming in my ears. <a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/92/50/d0/9250d07192569d7fb3a8f06a6e4733a0.jpg" target="_blank"> Some days I feel like I am<i> drowning</i> in it. (Love the feel of this artwork)</a><br />
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While I am guilty of the very human habit of trying to equate material things with a non-material longing, I count myself as one of those who watched as more than a few of my friends kinda...melted...into the self gratifying masses of the world. It was slow, they still seem to have "morals" but somewhere in there, the core attitude/focus changed. You could tell, not <i>necessarily</i> by how they dressed or looked, but definitely by how they acted and what they wanted to talk about. <br />
<br />
If I were to be in a crowded room, full of people, at first glance, I would look no different. Jeans, t-shirt. The styles of this world have stuck to me. I don't look like I'm from the 1800s. I don't act like it. I even wear converse sneakers and makeup. *<i>gasp</i>*<br />
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<b>But</b>, if someone bothers to talk to me, I want them, Lord willing, to see this:<b> I look like you and talk like you, but I am not all caught up in this material world that I am a part of</b>. <b>There should be spirit and a soul that leaks even into my surface level conversations, that shines through the cracks of my otherwise "normal" personae. </b><br />
<br />
Those who struggle hold on to a real faith, to really make it their own, may change from their parents standards somewhat. But they are trying to get doctrines grounded and find a purpose, not trying to get what will make them supposedly happy, or satisfied.<br />
<br />
On one of my frequent "notebook episodes", I scribbled out a perspective I now realize have almost subconsciously developed when I look at every single person I see:<br />
<br />
<i>"T<b>wo groups:</b> the ones who are ultimately absorbed with self, and how self does in life. Self wants love, acceptance, attention, they want to "live": that must mean those vacations, the whimsical BBQs and lake parties, complete with cold beverages, games, and cute clothes. Its movies, shows, entertainment. Playing with emotions and hormones. It turns to trends, some of which are pretty cool. But it's basic, almost animal desire for physical and sensual gratification on one level or another. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Then there are those of us who will separate what's a blessing to be enjoyed and what is trash that shouldn't be obsessed over. We struggle to see how other people can be so easily absorbed and satisfied with stuff that turns to dust in the end, pleasures that really do fade, and social standings that are as empty as a balloon. Its not just that we snub that level of shallowness, we don't understand how others can be so <b>utterly obsessed </b>with pointless things. We just <u>don't get it."</u></i><br />
<br />
So please, think...are you distinct anymore? Has your focus changed? What is your purpose?<br />
<br />
Me? I'm still struggling with finding my exact identity and faith in God. Those questions are still bothering me, big time. But I know I don't want my identity in this material world, in physical desires. There is something more. This distinction will show. And it's not necessarily an in your face kind of distinction. It bleeds, like ink, through the paper of your soul. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-64311514576960276822015-05-20T21:49:00.000-07:002015-05-20T21:49:31.820-07:00AmbitionIn which I sheepishly admit:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>There once was a girl who had SO much to write.</b></span></span></div>
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She was gonna pace herself and just do two articles a week.<br />
<br />
HA.<br />
<br />
And then she got lazy one day and decided she couldn't make time to do what she loved...write. And the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that, she was still too "busy".<br />
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(<i>Ahem:</i><br />
Busy: Verb. That state in which someone decides they would much rather use their free time to read books, browse the Internet, read other blogs, and do other, slightly less taxing pastimes than writing. Yeah. <i>Busy</i>)<br />
<br />
Meet yours truly, the Royal Queen of procrastination.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The every day, tired girly who smells like pizza...you're welcome?</td></tr>
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Hi.<br />
<br />
Apologies for the absence, and anyone who might have seen the funky chalkboard header I was experimenting with. *<i>Shudders*.</i> Not sure what I was thinking there.<br />
<br />
Anyhoo.<br />
<br />
Like with anything, <i>anything</i>, musician, athlete, dancer, photographer, writer...we've got to keep up with what we do.<br />
<br />
<b>Just do it.</b> (Thanks Nike) <br />
<br />
<b>Don't stop. </b><br />
<br />
<b>Don't let the muscle get stiff. Not if it's something your passionate about and really want to pursue. It's like our brains are all fired up to be the <i>greatest</i> at what we absolutely love...and</b> <b>our resolve is this pathetic little balloon that all to easily just kinda...deflates. </b>With lots of whining and lame excuses. <b> </b><br />
<br />
If you really love what it is you are trying to improve on or learn more about, forcing yourself to actually <i>do it</i> will be hard for like, the first 3 minutes. I promise.<br />
<br />
Then...BAM.<br />
<br />
<i>"Oh, yeah, I love playing music. Writing unlocks the creative genius dancing around in there. Man, this is fun. I should do this all the time and just live in creative bliss!"</i><br />
<br />
Ever think about how much a human being is actually capable of accomplishing in one days time?<br />
<br />
A normal human being like you and me. We have, what, about 14 to 16 waking hours in a day?<br />
<br />
<b>I believe God created us with a lot more potential for productivity and passion, than the vast majority of us ever bother to unlock. </b><br />
<br />
If you were the most productive version of yourself, how do you see your life going? What would you be doing differently if you were not hindered by procrastination and laziness(like me)?<br />
<br />
<b>Seriously, though, <i>think</i> about that one. </b><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-23582159800684734232015-04-26T20:59:00.002-07:002015-04-26T20:59:25.129-07:00DayIn which are musings to change the way we think of day. <br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b> Day. A strange, quirky, fascinating journey.</b></span></span></div>
<br />
Just.<br />
<br />
Think about it.<br />
<br />
In the morning, it's kind of all slow and foggy and still a little dark. Things are cool and fresh and smell like coffee shops and sound like birds just starting to chirp. We listen to different music than we do at night. Your mood in the morning? It's not going to happen at any other time of the day. <br />
<br />
But by the time night comes around, our senses are fully alive. We are ready to wrap up a day that was a roller coaster of life and food and conversations. It was full of boring moments. Sad moments. Hysterical laughter. Impatience. Frustration.<br />
<br />
We may have just interacted with a surprisingly large amount of people as this day went on. We probably impacted even more people than we will ever know.<br />
<br />
So all the sudden, only hours later, we are in a completely different world than we were in hours before. And in a few hours, it will start all over again. Some days are a long journey, a day that was an eon...by nightfall, morning really did feel like it was years ago.<br />
<br />
Sometimes we may feel like it gets a little old. Like days need to be longer, because we have to make breakfast and get up and take another shower and brush our teeth <i>again</i>, even though we just did it yesterday and a thousand yesterdays before that.<br />
<br />
But that's just it. We have taken these thousands of journeys, from dewy, clean mornings to emotional, volatile night time. Over and over. Its like our life is splintered up into countless little lives, that pass in a brief 24 hour period.<br />
<br />
So think of that next time you open your curtains in the morning, or end your night with weary eyes. Think of all the billions of things you'll do, just in that day, or all the millions of emotions you traveled though, as your eyelids droop with fatigue. <br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Think of how a day is like a little lifetime. You are born into the morning, your eyes opening, blinking at the light. You stretch. You will grow, however slowly. You will be hurt. You will be loved. You will discover. You will want to give up on something. You grow weary. You die into the night. But you will try your life all over again the next day. </b><br />
<br />
Think of that. Think of the beauty in that. The wonder and strangeness. Change your perspective.<br />
<br />
And don't even get me started on nighttime. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-42088339781642438972015-04-20T13:44:00.000-07:002015-04-20T13:44:49.948-07:00Pieces Of Me...J.C<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH9Qek8qDbKSF5kOUBl4u9pjhpCZtlc9DTkU6kG6fovrDw4LYEkj-Kl2Q3vh_FsW1t3BdtN88EZG57QRsLgVisWzjgOH9YIWVYGIfIsQ4EkRb-0FUAT-EkVXYd1882L0aWX1eK_kC1ABWi/s1600/dark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH9Qek8qDbKSF5kOUBl4u9pjhpCZtlc9DTkU6kG6fovrDw4LYEkj-Kl2Q3vh_FsW1t3BdtN88EZG57QRsLgVisWzjgOH9YIWVYGIfIsQ4EkRb-0FUAT-EkVXYd1882L0aWX1eK_kC1ABWi/s1600/dark.jpg" height="640" width="475" /></a></div>
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Look guys. I made a quote. Since this, my blog, is a place for me to throw all my literary scribbles and random creativity at the world, sometimes, stuff like this is just gonna happen.<br />
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Take it or leave it. I don't care. <br />
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It's just a piece of me...J.C. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-34948168605405723682015-04-09T08:31:00.000-07:002015-04-09T08:31:15.336-07:00Mad World Mash UpIn which I mash up a song with outlooks on life...and then mash up outlooks on life.<br />
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<a href="http://www.themesltd.com/backgrounds-large/clouded_city_view.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.themesltd.com/backgrounds-large/clouded_city_view.jpg" height="400" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>All Around me are familiar faces,</b></span></span></i></div>
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<i>Worn out places, </i></div>
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<i>Worn out faces,</i></div>
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<i>Bright and early for their daily races </i></div>
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<i>Going nowhere,</i></div>
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<i>Going....nowhere</i></div>
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It's nothing really special or extraordinary when someone in their late teens or early twenties has widened the horizons of their mind and has started thinking about life and the world. <br />
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I mean, when you get past school, and all your clear set goals (high school, college or whatnot) have been completed, at some point you have to think about how you want to live your life, and how you should be living it.<br />
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And you know, I'm not really talking about the career that you may want to have or where you want to live, how much money you would like to earn. Or whether or not you want to get married, what kind of foods you'll eat, the type of ministries you would like to be involved in. Whether or not you will be a morning person or a night owl. No, that's not really what I'm getting at. To me, all that stuff is secondary.<br />
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You want to know what comes first? <b>You've got to know how you are going to get through day to day, in and out, and what your<i> attitude </i>about your daily life is going to be.</b><br />
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<i>Their tears are filling up their glasses</i></div>
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<i>no expression, no expression</i></div>
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<i>Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow </i></div>
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<i>No tomorrow, no tomorrow</i></div>
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<b>We've got to find out, with Bibles in hand, how we are going to going to get through this life in our minds and souls</b>.<br />
Because I could run around and "do" a million things, fill up my life with work to be done and books to read and people to minister to. I could cram in all sorts of stuff to keep me busy all my life, if I wanted to. <b>But I could either hate every minute of it, survive every minute of it, or try to enjoy all of it, boring or busy as it may be</b>.<br />
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It's like saying that whoever you marry, you could have two views about. You could say it's an <i>amazing</i> thing that you met the very person that you married, out of all the six billion people in the world, and you got to meet someone as special and unique and as perfect for you, as they are. You could just be thrilled that you get to marry someone like them, because there is no one out their in the world like that, and say <i>wow thank you Lord I got to marry someone who matches up with my funny quirks and moods, this is so awesome!</i><br />
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Or, you could just kind of say that out of all the billions of people in the world, there are probably several out there who are compatible with you, so when you get married, you just found one of those many people who are compatible enough with you. And you get life done with them because you have to get life done. (FYI, I tend to like the first outlook<i> a lot </i>better. But I can see myself sliding into the second outlook, too) <br />
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I could either be the happy little housewife straight from the fifties, all frilly aprons and baking cookies and dressing up her little babies and hanging her clothes on the line in domestic bliss, budgeting and knitting and "nesting" with a fierce relish . Trust me, some days in life I get in a uncontrollable nesting mood. I bake those cookies with a <i>vigor </i>and it's glorious.<i></i><br />
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Or I could just clean the house because it must be done, and take the kids to the park because it's what people do, all the while torn between questions, my life literally seeming to pull at itself, tearing itself apart. For these questions always hang in my mind: <i>Why does my life matter? How much does this life of mine matter? and because of that, How should I conduct my life?</i><i> Can I look at it with joy? </i><br />
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<i>I find it kind of funny,</i></div>
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<i>I find it kind of sad,</i></div>
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<i>the dreams in which I'm dying</i></div>
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<i>Are the best I've ever had </i></div>
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If I believe I am saved by God, a God who loved me enough to send His son to die for me, than my life is eternal and precious. What I do, How I spend my time here on earth is thus very important, as I must use this time to further Gods kingdom. Everything I do, every action I take, (or don't take) is drastically important. After all, I am a child of God and it grieves this God when I am doing nothing the the life that He gave me, when I am mediocre, selfish, or lazy. Everything becomes hugely important and I have a high, (and scary) calling to always strive to be holier. Because on that day when I get called home, my deeds in christian life will have been held of great importance, and if my life be a disappointment, I can only equivalent the pain of that remorse and disappointment to the earth exploding inside my chest, fracturing out into an infinity of pieces and hurting all those around me. This is much pressure. This is high calling. This takes otherworldly discipline.<br />
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What about this:<br />
I know I am saved by a grace so great that it keeps forgiving me. I see my life as minuscule. After all, if you look at things on a cosmic scale, one significant christian is not much to be considered. To God, a thousand years is like a day. Say I live to be 95. As long a time as that may seem to exist, it is nothing,<i> nothing</i>....a mere snippet in time. So all the the hundreds of millions of things that I do...lifestyle, my job, my acts of kindness, my sinful acts of selfishness, what I do with my life, how productive it ends up being...well, all of that is just a blink to God. Should I take myself so seriously?<br />
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Or perhaps each of these views should be mashed together, and I should find a balance between them all.<br />
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Just thinking out loud, folks. <br />
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<i>I find it hard to tell you</i></div>
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<i>I find it hard to take</i></div>
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<i>When people run in circles</i></div>
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<i>It's a very very</i></div>
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<i>mad world</i></div>
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<i>mad world </i><br />
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<i>These are excerpts from a song called "Mad World", and while it is not a christian song, it speaks of a very real message of the emptiness of this world we keep running around and doing our daily races in. I<b> love</b> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVQmrRsztx0" target="_blank">Jasmine Thompsons cover.</a> So haunting and true. I think I've listened this one to death over the past couple weeks. </i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-29273828931453680752015-04-04T11:48:00.000-07:002015-04-04T11:48:28.139-07:00CurrentlyIn which I get selfish and write about myself and my life...oh wait, that's almost every post...<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Keeping a regular Journal is not really my thing,</b></span></span></div>
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Despite the fact that I write a scrap of something in at least <i>one</i> of my sixteen (yes, <i>sixteen</i>) half filled notebooks everyday. (I like to tell myself each notebook kind of has it's own subject. This ones for spiritual thoughts, that ones for making lists, this ones for story ideas, that ones for blog post ideas, this one is for my favorite quotes from books, that one is for emotional feelings, this one is...yeah you get the idea.) <br />
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But I was inspired by pinterest (ehehe) just to try some good old plain journaling (I don't think that's a word. Any way you should try this. It's kinda fun). <br />
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1. <b>Thinking:</b> About life. The point of life. <b>Some days, it's just enough to be a person and do normal person things like eat breakfast and read books and take walks and clean house and go to work</b>. Most days, though, for someone like me, I am also thinking about why I am doing this or that, what the point is, if I should be doing something else, and if I really can be happy living this everyday, physical life, when something in my heart keeps aching and telling me how life is so much more than material things.<b> It hurts <i>so much</i> just to be a physical human being doing mundane things sometimes. I am a soul with body, as C.S Lewis so accurately said. And living the everyday, minute by physical minute...it's achingly painful some days. I don't like it.</b> Sometimes, I don't want to find wonder in this world, even though I know I should. This soul gets a little stir crazy inside this body, and gets the inexpressible urge to make that physical body scream or cry or throw something at a wall. Just because I am not enough, and this world seems to be not enough. <i>"Find your place, Jillian. Let the blessings of this world make you physically <b>happy but not soulfully content.</b> Stop trying to do this shallow thing of finding all your happiness in a nicely decorated room or a new movie or good food. You know those things won't cut it, silly girl. Appreciate a marvelous mountain view, a vigorous hike, a good book. Appreciate and enjoy it all. But <b>stop trying to fill up a eternal glass with a perishable water. This physical world is the overflow of our cup that runneth over with blessings...it is not what fills that cup in the first place."</b></i> <br />
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2. <b>Enjoying:</b> Words. Bible verses, lovely quotes, new words, music lyrics, written words. Because they are something physical, something seen and heard, that represents something not seen. The body of a soul, I guess you could say.<br />
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3<b>. Feeling</b>: Sad. But happy. Because "Sad is happy for deep people". (apparently, this quote is from Doctor Who. And I haven't even seen Doctor Who. But <i>this quote though</i>. It's so accurate it makes my hurt heart)<br />
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4. <b>Wearing</b>: Um, Dark purple and turquoise. This color combo kinda makes me happy for some reason. For example, my blog header. <br />
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5. <b>Needing</b>: To study more of Gods word.<br />
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6.<b> Wanting</b>: To be Okay with my christian walk. To not be so perturbed by it.<br />
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7.<b> Listening</b>: To "the best of Epic Music 2012" on Youtube. Another physical thing representing the soulful and untouchable. <br />
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8. <b>Making</b>: Um, lets see. Oh, I'm sewing a coat that I designed myself. Slow going. I'm so gonna show it off on the internet when it's done though. <br />
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9. <b>Eating</b>: Well, currently nothing. But I did have a pretty good omelet this morning.<br />
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10. <b>Drinking</b>: A raspberry mocha. Okay, Okay, so physical food <i>can</i> be pretty awesome sometimes....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-91557250616728814562015-03-30T12:53:00.000-07:002015-03-30T12:53:04.051-07:00I wish I Had SmiledIn which: this happens to me all the time.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>You are looking around the room,</b></span></span></div>
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people watching. Your
eyes dart from person to person, making an assessment of each one in
turn, imagining what they are thinking, who they are looking at, and
what their secret dreams are. All is going well until somebody's eyes
turn suddenly, and they look back at <i>you</i>.<br />
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Your
eyes meet for one millisecond, and then you blink hard. When your eyes
open again, they are neatly focused on something else in the room and
you have carefully kept your expression exactly the same.<i> "They didn't even notice that I was looking their way</i>",
you think, trying to believe that you've just been awfully sly and
clever. But all along you know that the one millisecond gave you away.
You were just caught red-handed.<br />
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The more you think about it, the more you wish that you had <i>not</i> looked
away. You wish you had simply smiled, in acknowledgement that you were
both just caught staring at each other. Everyone looks around and <s>spies on</s>
observes other people on occasion. There should be no shame in it. So
why couldn't you have just smiled? Or winked? Or nodded a neat <i>"hello, you've caught me looking at you, and isn't this amusing</i>?"<br />
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But you didn't and now it's too late.<br />
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You
feel a little embarrassed by your lack of honesty. And you go right on
pretending that you never looked at them in the first place.<br />
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It happens to everyone.<br />
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(I can't take full credit for this little snippet. I got the idea from another blog a long time ago, who got it from someone else...yeah anyway.) Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-24852098987439843962015-03-26T09:16:00.000-07:002015-03-26T09:16:14.598-07:00I See it Now<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-86518500921670653782015-03-21T20:59:00.001-07:002015-03-21T20:59:59.601-07:00Don't Let Me Lose My WonderIn which I list out some Eucharisteo.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>Despite the fact that I struggle living in this world that God made,</b></span></span></div>
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I<i> know</i> it's wonderful. It's amazing. The universe is beyond mind-boggling. Stars and galaxies are incredible. I know it.<br />
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I just sometimes have a hard time living in the dimension where I look at things with wide eyed wonder, and see these things instead as basic elements, mashed together, in different colors, with no reason to go out and see it, cause you know, it's all just 118 different types of <i>stuff</i>. <b> </b><br />
<b>The world, the universe is <i>way</i> more complicated and intricate than that.</b><br />
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But instead, <i>over and over</i>, I get caught up in myself and my own woes and confusions. I get wrapped up in my own head, and the physical world outside me is this strange state of being right up against my skin while still being hollow and empty and millions of miles away.<br />
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<i> Why do people bother to go travel the world anyway? Water is water, wherever you go. Mountains and hills and plains and valleys are just dirt and rock. People are people. They eat and sleep and live for their own happiness, the world over. Are we in search of something new? Do you think you'll find it if you just wander around the earth? Why does this fill you with such happiness and wonder all the time, to look at mountain range or an ocean, or a waterfall, and sometimes I just can't seem to get out of my own head and enjoy <b>anything</b>? </i><br />
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Which is why I think it's time I listed some reasons for Eucharisteo. To remind myself that<b> this crack in time I exist in can be pretty awesomely fantastic <i>if I just let it.</i></b><br />
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<br />41.Clear, Starry nights. The ones that make me feel small and insignificant and like a tiny, tiny speck. Like a microscopic piece of something beyond me, so beyond me that I can't comprehend it and I feel <i>terrified </i>and exposed. (Wait, she just said she <i>likes </i>feeling absolutely terrified? Yeah, in a weird scared curl-up-in-a-ball kind of way.)<br />
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42. Driving down the highway on said starry nights with the windows down (cold out or not) and the music cranked up to a point it probably shouldn't be. I <i>finally </i>get why my parents always enjoyed going out "just for a drive". When you're the one at the wheel...power. It's the next best thing to...<br />
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43. Running. Or well, in my case, running and then jogging and then walking and then sprinting off again, as the mood takes you. When all the frustrations and unanswered questions and yes, <b>absolute hopelessness</b> comes to its peak, you will find me running it out (for <i>hours</i>), rain or shine. (I prefer rain because it generally matches my mood.) <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">SO ACCURATE.</td></tr>
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44. A brother-in-law and big sister who are willing to stay up past 10:30 at night and talk with you about life. Even though they have to be up before the sun next morning and go to work and take care of three small children and live a crazy busy life. They made time for me. That's pretty special.<br />
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45. Said brother-in-law who <b>knows</b> the art of Eucharisteo. <i>" Think about it, toes are so awesome, Jillian! and wood, wood is amazing! We can cut it up and put nails through it and yet it builds a great big house!</i>" ( I'm not even kidding. He was giddy about <i>toes</i>, guys. <i>Toes. </i>And I can't find exhilaration in an ocean.)<i></i><br />
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46. The incredible chemical reaction that happens in our bodies when we see something cool or amazing or beautiful. We see an really neat view from a mountaintop, while feeling a cool breeze, smell that dirt and that air, feel that rain on our face, fill our lungs and our eyes with these things, and it triggers something in nervous system that starts a chain reaction. End result? Exhilaration and awe. If you stop to think about it, that's pretty wondrous. <i></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
47. The beating of a physical heart. I have this strange fascination with heartbeats, guys. I like to put my hands on my little niece and nephews chest and feel their thumping. When my music teacher told me to use my heartbeat as a metronome, the <i>coolest</i> thing happened. You have to be really quiet, listen to your heart thumping in your chest for a moment, and then play your song in time with that, keep beat with your own heart, whenever it speeds up or slows down. If you are musician, <i>please</i>, try this a few times. Its magnificent.<br />
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<i>48. Consequently, this poem is one of my favorites:</i><br />
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<br />
I feel a little better now. I know I will get wrapped up in my own head and my own worries again...and I'll think of more blessings again. Perhaps my life will not always be this endless cycle of despair and then remembering all the reasons why not to despair. then again, maybe it will. <i>But at least I have these blessings to hold on to. <b>God did give me blessings, despite everything else that gets dished out that I don't understand.</b></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-39533291774765555452015-03-17T08:07:00.000-07:002015-03-17T08:07:26.671-07:00This ChildIn which we talk about screaming children and the sovereignty of God. <br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>My parents did this really cool thing</b></span></span>.</div>
<br />
They gave each of their kids full names a special meaning. Jillian means "childlike". Put that together with my middle name, Faith, and you have...childlike faith. Faith like a child has in their parents.<br />
<br />
Think of any little kid you know. Or better yet, you, when you were just a wee tot.<br />
<br />
A child does not ask questions. They don't care about the world. If they know that Daddy loves them, and that they are safe and fed and happy, nothing else matters to them. All is right with their world. New sights, new sounds, the process of learning all sorts of amazing things...when they have this trust and safety, growing up and discovering things is a fun, incredible, and joy filled journey. Their world is full. And usually, children don't ask...they just know that they are safe.<br />
<br />
That's the faith we are supposed to have in our heavenly Father*. <i>This </i>child, though, despite the fact that she has been given that special name, is wrestling immensely with having that faith.<br />
<br />
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It's as if me, the little child, suddenly stopped snuggling safely against her heavenly fathers chest, pushed away, and said,<br />
<br />
<i>"Wait, Daddy, hold on. Why should I trust you? Are you controlling everything I do? Why do you do everything that you do?</i><br />
<br />
<i> Yeah, you created me. But once was born, did you decide what I was going do for <b>every millisecond of my entire life</b>? Did you timeline all the times I was going to disobey you and sin against you? Father, that doesn't make sense. If you decided all the times I was going to sin, why does that Bible say that it grieves and angers you when I sin*? So you can't be all powerful, in the way that I thought you were. So should my trust be more of a trust that even though You are not all powerful, to <b>that</b> extent, you are more all powerful and all knowing that I am? I don't know if I can do that, Father. Can I just trust that you know what you're doing better than I do? Is that enough?"</i><br />
<br />
Then it's as if me, still that worried little child, slid down from her fathers lap and started anxiously pacing the floor, arms folded, brow furrowed in concern: <br />
<br />
<i>Father, why did you even bring me into this world? What was the point? Why, why would you condemn some people to hell if you say that you loved the world? It's as if you created some people for eternal suffering. That's twisted. That can't be right!</i><br />
<br />
<i> Father, I can't have peace, or joy, or enjoy life anymore until I know why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I HAVE to know! Yes, yes, I know about the scriptures and the great commission* and the commandments*. I've heard those ones since before I can even remember. But I can't go out and share about your love if I'm not sure of it myself! It doesn't make sense, Father!</i><br />
<br />
Then, this little child starts taking short, quick, panicked breaths: <i>" Why are you doing all this? Proof, Father, show me I can trust you!"</i><br />
<br />
The child (A.k.a me) then slumps to the floor, dissolving in tears and screaming <i>"I want to trust you! You have a plan but I'm not seeing how it makes any sense!"</i><br />
<br />
At this point, I'd imagine most earthly fathers would gently scoop that child back into their arms, and comfort and soothe them until they calmed down, most likely falling asleep in his arms while he whispers, <i>"its going to be alright. You can't understand, you don't have the ability to, so just trust me and you'll see in the end how everything works."</i><br />
<br />
But, my fears being what they are, I would push away once more going<i> "no, no, that's not good enough:</i><br />
<br />
<b><i>Why. Should. I. Trust. You?"</i></b><br />
<br />
And well, we are back where started, and the questions and the panicking begin all over again.<br />
<br />
<i>"I can't read my books and learn my lessons and eat my food and enjoy all the gifts of everyday life that you gave me with anything but a sense of emptiness. I don't feel safe anymore. I can't talk and "play" with my brothers and sisters and enjoy their sweet company like I used to be able to. I can't do anything anymore with out this thought bombarding me, everywhere I turn."</i><br />
<br />
Is it enough? To just trust that God, even though he may not be as Sovereign as I once thought He was, Is more sovereign than me, so therefore whom else should I trust?<br />
<br />
Some days, it feels like I trust in God and hold on to Christianity simply because I have to. Life would be pointless without a God and I would go <i>bananas</i> without a point and purpose, so I just believe because I need a point. Not good enough, I know.<br />
<br />
Soon, I hope, I can piece this shattered faith back into something stronger than it was before. Even if it takes looking up the word Faith in the Exhaustive concordance and reading every single reference.<br />
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*Psalm 131<br />
*Old Testament...Gods anger with his people.<br />
*Matt 28:19-20, Mark 16:15-16<br />
*Matt 19:18-19<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-33478816815201696842015-03-14T10:32:00.000-07:002015-03-14T10:32:11.552-07:00SelfishIn which I think about selfishness and contentment. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgOD-mRkIPV7qjs5bCHKXUnZtLn480qOqK9kK50foI2NZhYoaiPOQS44SkfbqWwp46I8fQyDxAfQd_Pk-pdxg4bRT3eTLq_NAuK6Hkt735PLQ0UT825ejfJceA2vRDodfyjxUst4nQkLqD/s1600/IMG_7243.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgOD-mRkIPV7qjs5bCHKXUnZtLn480qOqK9kK50foI2NZhYoaiPOQS44SkfbqWwp46I8fQyDxAfQd_Pk-pdxg4bRT3eTLq_NAuK6Hkt735PLQ0UT825ejfJceA2vRDodfyjxUst4nQkLqD/s1600/IMG_7243.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from my bedroom window ya'll.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> Do you ever get told that you need to find your contentment and joy in God before <i>anything</i> else?</span></span></b></div>
<br />
If your a christian, then I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you've been told th<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">is</span></span>... <br />
<br />
A LOT. <br />
<br />
The way I look at it, there are two different categories of being content.<br />
<br />
The physical: you know, the money and houses and buildings and cars and computers and decorations and furniture and and everything material that turns to dust eventually on this spinning globe;<br />
<br />
...and the metaphysical. The things like love, people's affection and friendship, belief in God, peace of heart and soul, faith, happiness. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoqsgfnGD8CHt1dIxDQXJkB6gujVxGzQwSxkv_wloeLv7tJM3-imXgzAysaCnZPJ33_qdYb5e2ECycCKB76Nq9RVsoM6XiXQLaPj43jdyqGr5A_vCRiYRmdStkndS6LlmEFqGIXAuH3Yzi/s1600/IMG_7230.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoqsgfnGD8CHt1dIxDQXJkB6gujVxGzQwSxkv_wloeLv7tJM3-imXgzAysaCnZPJ33_qdYb5e2ECycCKB76Nq9RVsoM6XiXQLaPj43jdyqGr5A_vCRiYRmdStkndS6LlmEFqGIXAuH3Yzi/s1600/IMG_7230.jpg" height="424" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What yours truly looks like 60% of the time. Tucked in her room, with her laptop and her headphones and her books. Not smiling. sorry. Who has a smile plastered on there face when they're doing school anyway? Not me.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Growing up christian, church every Sunday since I was a baby,
befriending people with conservative standards...this ensured that from
Sunday school age that I was steeped in the message that, "God is
enough, and we shouldn't want other peoples toys because that is
coveting and we aren't supposed to do that. Stuff isn't important,
kids." And later..."don't pursue riches, don't worry about what your
going to eat, what you are going to wear, look at the lilies of the
field." <br />
<br />
Okay. Got it. Thank you. <br />
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<br />
My issue isn't that physical stuff...if it came down to that I could be pretty easily pleased. Honestly, I think I could care less if I lived the rest of my life in an RV park, working the local breakfast cafe and living off frozen pizza and PB&J sandwiches.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJhgHrV_b8SCfXThsJr4AHMaGnSFJVylvNYJGd4g1jxNnhmXLa3oHh5ch_mz-Pi8mFuGwDTAK0l0qHuzTlPKbnBZTcAsRrFuntJJotKakgm4AxI90FlK4IbZ-95YV-ZrdyMnx3fIlGaIT6/s1600/IMG_7185.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJhgHrV_b8SCfXThsJr4AHMaGnSFJVylvNYJGd4g1jxNnhmXLa3oHh5ch_mz-Pi8mFuGwDTAK0l0qHuzTlPKbnBZTcAsRrFuntJJotKakgm4AxI90FlK4IbZ-95YV-ZrdyMnx3fIlGaIT6/s1600/IMG_7185.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What it always always looks like next to my bed... lets see, Bible, three or four apologetics/theologish books, a couple notebooks, a couple fictional books, a free grace broadcaster...I think I'm half way through like, um, all of them. </td></tr>
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After all, a library membership is still free, so as long as I had wifi and hot water....I'd be good to go. I can see it now...me, 25, working six mornings a week, always driving a car that's at least twelve years old, coming home to a tiny trailer with a cat or two, reading any good book I could get my hands on, writing books that will never get published, playing/listening to music, watching some movies and TV shows, and jogging on the weekends after church. <br />
<br />
If that's all there was to life, then I'd be a pretty happy camper. I am blessed with a lot of awesome "stuff" right now. (See above references to books and music) But as cool as I think some of this stuff is...I know its really empty. I know it's dust in the end, and that my happiness can't rest on it. <br />
<br />
Its the other kind of contentment that I go "rounds in the ring with", so to speak.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me: Hey, I should take a selfie of what I usually look like! Make a cute face! Ummmm...never mind maybe I should just go back to writing blog posts and doing school. Apparently, I have not mastered the art of the selfie face. I think that's a good thing though. </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Weirdly, in conversations with a few people that I have had recently, they all asked me the same question, unbeknownst to each other that they were all asking it:<br />
<br />
<i>What do you want, Jillian? What do you want your life to look like? </i><br />
<br />
<i>Blink. Blink. Blank stare.</i><br />
<br />
<i> "I...I dunno. I thought it was up to God to decide that. I thought it wasn't supposed to be about what I want. What do you mean?"</i><br />
<br />
<i>"I mean, what do you want to do with the life God has given you? Do you want to just play violin all the time and read books and take taekwondo? Do you want to just get married and have babies? Do you think you might want to be a missionary?"</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"Well...maybe. I mean, yeah, all of that...that would be great. But<b> none of it's really that important if I don't know who God is, who I am in relation to God, if I don't know what my faith is, if I don't know what I stand for, if I can't understand why God does what He does. I gotta know that first.</b>"</i><br />
<br />
Let me tell you, I've been a professing christian since I was seven, a real, baptized, heart-changed christian when I was twelve, but despite all that...here, now, I realize that my faith was more just my parents than my own. That's what happens when you grow up in a Christian home. Not that that's a bad thing...but <b>its like becoming a christian all over again, when you really think through a plethora of subjects</b> <i><b>for yourself</b>.</i><br />
<br />
If you grew up in a christian home too, I think this will really resonate with you. You just believed what you believed and did what you did because that's what mom and dad believe and this is what they say is right and that was enough. Life was good. Let Mommy and Daddy figure out the problems, and then tell you what to do. That was, actually, pretty easy. <br />
<br />
And then, at some point, you find out that you must believe it for yourself. You have to hold your Christianity in your own two hands and become convicted of things in your own burning heart, while your parents stand just a little to the side and watch while you and God have it out. They are there, and you are still going to go to them first with all those millions of questions that you have, but they are not God. They admit themselves that they are human and don't have all the answers. <br />
<br />
For someone who never really rested on God but on their parents, this shatters your safe little world. <br />
Holding your convictions in your hands because YOU are convicted of them...it's a hot coal. It burns. It stings. You want to throw it back. It's too much responsibility. You <i>freak out</i> because it turns out all along, you had no idea what your idea of God was. <br />
<br />
So, to tie it all together, this is what I want: I want to find my contentment in God, to solidify my shaky faith in Him, to once more find my joy in Him.<br />
<br />
Life is empty otherwise. I am stuck there, right now, unable to move into anything with any kind of passion or surety, because I don't stand on anything solid yet.<i> No way</i> could I become a missionary or get married or have kids or minister to others when I have not found my own contentment yet.<br />
<br />
After that, I can move on with life, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I am and whatever I have, the emptiness that is always in my heart can be filled by Him and no other. Not my parents, not my future husband, not my future children. Not my stuff.<br />
<br />
I am being selfish. But I HAVE to get this done first. First Comes God, then comes me and God, and then once I have that established, this relationship of "me and God" sheds a light on everything else. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh hey look! A real smile. </td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-81307785982825763802015-03-09T12:32:00.001-07:002015-03-09T12:32:34.461-07:00You Can't Tell AnyoneIn which is, another quote.<br />
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I'll be back to writing soon. I see a light at the end of the tunnel with my classes...please don't go away. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-73162502493447800712015-03-06T10:11:00.002-08:002015-03-06T10:11:26.662-08:00LabelIn which I throw an interesting topic at you.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Several topics float, bounce, and come in and out of focus.</b></span></span></div>
<br />
This is how things work in my head. Some things are a big focus sometimes, some things take the back burner, to come forward at a later time.<br />
<br />
That being said, here is one of those subjects that is bumping around in a spotlight: <a href="http://bighouseinthelittlewoodsblog.blogspot.com/2015/02/to-be-christian-dobebelieve-x.html" target="_blank"> To Be A Christian Do/Be/Believe X</a><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-48658003778136046842015-03-02T13:55:00.000-08:002015-03-03T06:28:39.572-08:00The Pain We FeelIn which is all I can give right now.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>With each word I write, I want to encourage others.</b></span></span> </div>
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I want to make you smile. I want to bring you back to Christ. I wish to give you hope. To let you know you are not alone. To give pep talks to people who feel like giving up. To keep your chin up and keep you excited about life. <br />
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But some days, I am empty and have nothing to give. Because I'm really fallible and really human. I am crazy to think that I will almost always know what to say.<br />
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I'm empty.<br />
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I'm hollow.<br />
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Actually, <i>I'm</i> the one who needs the encouraging, mostly. I get really, really, <i>really</i> down and out sometimes.<br />
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I wonder why we bother. Why parties? Why books? Why vacation? Why live here? Why live there? What does it matter? Why try? A million questions throw me into abyss. The everyday no longer seems enough. It seems distant. Inconsequential. Time is a heavy burden. And the only thing that I can remember when it gets this rough is that God saved me, so any pain and emptiness and complete hopelessness that comes upon me, it will not last forever.<br />
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If I am one who trusts in God, I will be in Glory with Him someday. Pain in the night, Joy in the morning. If that's all we can hang onto when things get so very dark in our souls, then so be it. The pain may not go away for awhile, but it doesn't last. Hang on. This is for me, as much as anybody else. <br />
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<i>"The pain that you feel is only temporary</i><br />
<i>It does not define you, even if </i><br />
<i>at some point, it changes you</i><br />
<i>but not to someone ugly,</i><br />
<i>but someone who is strong</i><br />
<i>who growing </i><br />
<i>and who is learning. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>You are a beautiful person</i><br />
<i>only passing by</i><br />
<i>this pain that is temporary"</i><br />
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-P.C<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-23357230315382840322015-02-27T10:23:00.000-08:002015-02-27T10:23:15.983-08:00Stop. Turn Around. Walk AwayIn which I learn to lighten up a little.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>Hold on just a sec while I catch my breath...</b></span></span></div>
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<i>"Pant pant. </i><br />
<br />
<i>Okay...</i><br />
<br />
<i> Whew."</i><br />
<br />
What a week. Month, actually.<br />
<br />
I really,<i> really</i> wanted to write what would probably have been a long-winded blog post on how that emotional, thoughtful roller coaster of mine took a <i>massive</i> dip down for about three days, into extremely dark, cold, hopeless waters. I'm just starting to come up out of it, actually. Hence, one of the reasons I am catching my breath.<br />
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But today, I haven't time to write such a big post. The last month I've felt a connection to that poor little rabbit in <i>Alice in Wonderland:</i><br />
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"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! Oh dear, oh dear, oh me oh my, there's no time, no time!" ...Or something like that. Reason number two for the above panting.<br />
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Instead, I wanted to share with you the importance of something.<br />
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You know how people say..."if something's not working, walk away for a while"?<br />
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If you run in to a creative road block, if you get frustrated, if you get discouraged, if it just seems like whatever it is you are working on, trying to accomplish, is failing, just stop. Go away from it. Read a book. Pray. Take a walk. Talk it out. Re-asses it from a different mood.<br />
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<b> I don't care if it's cooking dinner or a huge project or a life long pursuit or a craft or school or<i> anything</i> you are doing. If its driving you nuts, maybe shut it down for a minute. </b><br />
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<b> Put it from your mind completely for a while. </b><br />
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It never really clicked with me until this week how, just, absolutely <i>important</i> that is. I don't know if I can put it accurately into words, the feeling of<i> I want to give up why do I even bother what's the point </i>that happens when you have been trying perhaps a little too hard, or trying with the wrong mindset, to accomplish something.<i><br /></i><br />
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When you get to that point, despite the whole <i>keep going, don't give up</i> thing, it's time to go play a board game or take a nap. Because although it may seem like procrastination, when you feel like putting an ax through your laptop and then throwing it out window as far as you can possibly chuck it, I don't think your going to do very well at whatever your trying to do well at. <i>(That was me by the way, guys. My poor laptop was in very real danger. Funny how a piece of technology can drive you to hot, literal tears and a meltdown. Pathetic, I know.)</i><br />
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If it's really important and really needs to be done, you'll go back to it. If you let something upset you that much, that something is important to you and you'll want to return to it. <i>Later. </i><br />
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It always seemed to buzz past my ears when someone said that before. <i>Look at the bigger picture, ask yourself why your doing it again</i>, ask if its really worth throwing an adult temper tantrum over, and in my case, <b>if this is helping or hindering your walk with God. </b><br />
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If it is worth throwing a fit over it, <i>instead </i>of throwing a fit, throw it in a corner for a while and come back later.<br />
<br />
Aaaand I think I just repeated a lesson that people have thrown out there a million times before. It's a tried and true method, though.<br />
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And if your like me and this life lesson kind of glosses over your head every time you hear it, just <b>trust me, one of these days, the full, deep meaning of "just walking away" is going to click and you will <i>get it</i>. Oh, <i>man,</i> will you get it. </b><br />
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Okay. I caught my breath a little. I'm off to get more stuff done and then get frustrated and take breaks from it. See ya. (<i>She takes off running, a little puff of dust all that's left to show that she was ever here.</i>)<br />
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<i>Side note: February's Resolution was to only do Pinterest on Mondays. Ha. I can safely say I only pinned about one day a week. Just thought I'd throw that in there. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-84257802841161212092015-02-23T06:47:00.001-08:002015-02-23T06:47:47.091-08:00This is Where I ThriveIn which I give you another quote. I am feeling quite poetic today. Deal with it. <br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Here's a jaw-dropper for you...I am female, therefore I am emotional.</b></span></span></div>
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No way, right? Betcha you never would have guessed. <br />
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My older sister told me a few weeks ago: "You know Jillian, I've been reading your blog, and you are really good at portraying feeling." (Thank you, sis, by the way. I treasure those little compliments)<br />
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And because I am emotional and so much of what I write has to do with all those <i>feelings</i>, I think it tends to look a little...mushy? Sappy? Melodramatic?<br />
<br />
Sometimes I <u>genuinely</u> fear it's overdone. "<i>Oh dear, am I being too sentimental? Will they think it's overkill? Am I a literary drama queen?" </i><br />
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One of these days, I keep telling myself, I need to buckle down and seriously write some good, sound, theological arguments on all my beliefs on God and not make it so flowery and tender and, well...emotional. It needs to be all boxed together and organized, with a generous sprinkling of" therefores' " and "herebys' ". It might even need to seem a little boring and dry. It needs to be grown up and serious, and for Pete's sake, lose all the italic emphasis' on everything!<br />
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Sometimes I honestly think, <i>"Why can't I write more like a well educated pastor in his fifties?"</i> All calm arguments and logical articles on things. Besides the fact that, duh, a twenty year old female is about the farthest thing from a pastor in his fifties, I genuinely convice myself sometimes that that's what my writing style should be more like.<br />
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In a word, things should be a little more....stable. <br />
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But really...I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry folks, but I believe I will always write from the emotional roller coaster of female viewpoint. (<i>Ooh</i>, another shocker, right?)<br />
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Maybe it's too emotional. Maybe it's too tender. Too feminine or overdone. Maybe a little immature, wide eyed, idealistic. Perhaps it does focus too much on love and happiness and wistful thinking. <br />
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But when that is who I am, how God created me, and where I am at, how can it be anything else?<br />
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I'm not saying its right or wrong...maybe its right, maybe its very wrong.<br />
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It is what it is. God help me if that is not what it should be. <br />
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Every so slightly unrelated, I found a quote that perfectly sums up those<i> feelings</i> of the past few weeks that I have been writing about. Please. Enjoy.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>"Sure. I'll make small talk. Discuss the ins and outs of a 'typical' day. Pass the time lightly. Say tiny things. I'm happy to tread surfaces with a smile, and will. Sometimes. Yet-when I look at you, I know there are<b> </b>layers<b>.</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i> Dimensions. </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Collections of ancient wisdom.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i> Stories on stories. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Core needs. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Humanness. </i></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i> This is where I light up.<b> This is where I thrive.</b> You can't be caged up in a pool for long. <b>Not when you are someone who wants oceans</b>."</i> -Victoria Erickson</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-57871021994200799962015-02-20T14:35:00.001-08:002015-02-20T14:35:05.725-08:00Fragments of the BattleIn which are rather random and unorganized thoughts on the extraordinary life. <br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>If you have read more than one or two of any of my past posts, you'll probably see a trend:</b></span></span></div>
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She wants to make a difference, she knows small changes, little things, are important. She knows she can't do that whole change the world thing on her own.<br />
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You wanna to know why I always seem to harp on this whole "change the world in little ways" thing? Drum roll...I struggle with the every day, with the small things. When something doesn't seem to have point, when it seems it's a waste of time, when I go out in the world, observe the people, driving in their cars, busy doing all their things, and its all material and I can't connect with them, it frustrates me. immensely. <br />
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Wait...we are talking about Jillian here, right? The girl who loves her <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/25-reasons-for-eucharisteo.html" target="_blank">little blessings </a>and the simple life and the mundane tasks? The girl who does the <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/02/commission-transform.html" target="_blank">normal things with joy and fulfillment</a>? Who realizes that the<a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/02/when-we-feel-like-going-insane.html" target="_blank"> everyday things at her fingertips are actually mind boggling? </a><br />
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I thought all she wanted to do was write, read books, get married, and <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/why-we-must-get-up-every-morning.html" target="_blank">love people</a>?<br />
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But you see, that's why she writes about the small stuff so much. Because she is trying, with Gods help, to embrace it. <br />
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I picture this: A woman who diligently does the extraordinary. All the the people she connects with, she touches in an unforgettable, fresh way, she leaves them with a slightly changed life. The type of person who, after you have a conversation with her, leaves behind traces of hope and strength the greatest of all...unconditional love.<br />
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She lives a life that is bustling with people, that sings of a job well done. Every thing she does, she throws herself into recklessly. She gives everything. She connects with people, does her level best to understand them. She realizes how blessed she is by God, how much God gave her, how much of a change God has made in her life, inward and outward. She lives those changes daily. She decides she is willing to die for her family, if the need ever arose.<br />
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Each moment is experienced to its fullest, dreams and thoughts are realized, blessings given and taken, joy comes from pain. Times of solemn reflection, even torturous, philosophical thoughts on God and Satan and the world and how everything relates. An ever passionate feeling, always excited for the amazing things that are going to come. Everything she does has a purpose, has a goal to make improvement, somewhere on earth. She wants to burn bright, burn strong, stand out, give others everything. It is a life that could be set to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94VadpMYQgE" target="_blank">This type of music</a>.<br />
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Why can't I be an extraordinary girl in a broken world? Why can't I live the epic saga of life? <br />
I fear boredom. I fear getting tired of this life, of the people in it. That is selfish. I do not want to be that selfish, so consequently, I should afraid of the mundane, right? Because I should not be thinking of myself.<br />
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I know, even though I does not like it, that the way to live extraordinarily is to live the ordinary. To run the errands and babysit the kids and clean the house...even though it seems so... material. So tiresome. Pointless. Repetitive. But it has it's place, it's purpose. Perhaps that purpose is solely to be content with what I have. <br />
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I realize I am not special in this area. We all crave grandness. Why else do we, as humans, gobble up stories and movies and music that play with and pull on our emotions, and always wish for life to be more, well, grand? <i>(On a side note, is it not grand that we have such a full and deep range of emotions?)</i><br />
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"...<i>I'll struggle on, inspired that God has called me to this life -- not
even this life in particular but to life in general. The life of
creativity, of love, of beauty, of holiness -- and all of that at a high
price of disciplin</i>e". <a href="http://bighouseinthelittlewoodsblog.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Bailey, MHJ</a><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-65148038028471889842015-02-16T10:21:00.000-08:002015-02-19T16:38:40.638-08:00Commission: Transform In which I give you one of my favorite things.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b> Time for a little math: </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Jillian+weekend+busy+sick=No blog post.</b></span></span></div>
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Technically, that's not altogether true because this<i> is</i> a blog post...but it's something I promised myself I would not do too often...stick up a favorite quote and not write anything original.<br />
<br />
I was going to list all the things I have on my plate right now, but
that seemed...kind of like a teenagers Facebook post where they are trying
to complain/brag at the same time. Ick (<i>Inwardly gags</i>). May it never be. (Too late. I now realize that's what last Mondays post had in it. Sorry. No really, I apologize.)<br />
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You might be seeing a few of these "unoriginal" little posts over the next few weeks. But really, this is a beautiful quote,and although its missing any references to God or the christian life, the great commission is what I have in mind when I read it. I pray it inspires you like it does me: <br />
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<i>People who really want to <b>make a difference in the world</b> usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world. <b>They hold to the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters</b>. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they are<b> satisfied with small changes</b>. </i><br />
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<i>Over time, though, the small changes <b>add up</b>. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes,<b> the world</b>. People who want to make a difference get frustrated along the way but if they have a particularly stressful day, <b>they don't quite, they keep going.</b> Given their accomplishments, most of them are shockingly normal and the way they spend each day can be quite mundane. </i><br />
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<i>They don't teach grand lessons that suddenly enlighten entire communities, they teach small lessons that can bring incremental improvement to <b>one man or woman, boy or girl</b>. They don't do anything to call attention to themselves, they simply pay attention to the everyday needs of others if its only <b>one person</b>. </i><br />
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<i>They bring change in ways most people will never read about or applaud. And because of the way these changers wired, <b>they wouldn't think about living their lives any other way. </b></i><br />
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Beth Clark, <i>Kisses From Katie</i><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-57092930646057039652015-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:002015-02-13T12:49:30.618-08:00Single And...Well, SorryIn which, trying to find joy in my solitude, I struggle.<br />
(Written in the shadow of Valentines day. No, of <i>course</i> it's not a coincidence. Pfft. Don't be silly)<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">So funny thing: <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/single-and-not-sorry-3-reasons.html" target="_blank">I wrote this resolve </a>about being really happy and single. </span></span></b></div>
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I said I was<i> so</i> grateful that I was not married.<br />
<br />
After I wrote that, it was as if God gave a knowing nod of His head and said: "Okay, lets test that one. Are you <i>really</i> happy and single?" <br />
<br />
It probably hasn't helped that I have been reading C.S Lewis' <i>"A Grief Observed"</i>, a book of his thoughts after his beloved wife died of cancer. It is an absolutely beautiful picture of two people whose minds met, whose souls touched, whose intellects sparked each-other, and they experienced the merging of two christian souls, a connection far beyond the physical. (Do go read it. It's very sad but it is worth it) <br />
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Lewis wrote many analogies of what it felt like to have her gone: A ship without it's starboard side, a man with his leg cut off, who continually feels the phantom pain, an entire half of who he was, something that had locked together and merged with him, ripped away. He questioned his own belief in the sovereignty and goodness of God. <br />
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Perhaps it is a silly fantasy of mine, but I felt like I could <i>relate</i> to Lewis.<b> I simply stand on the other side of that problem... I have not connected with whoever my soul mate is yet. I don't feel whole. Somethings not complete. I am missing a huge key piece of what my life is going to be</b>. Some days, that phantom pain of something I have not even known yet, really screams at me. <br />
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So am I chugging along, waiting for that other human being, whoever he is, to come and merge with me, to feel whole?<br />
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Or, is this me, coming closer to being content with Gods love alone?<br />
<br />
But if God created me to be a married person, to become someones other half, than is it not as it should be, to feel incomplete?<br />
(<i>You know, right? In Genesis? it was it not good that man was alone? So of course it's not good for woman to be alone either</i>. <i>Duh</i>*)<br />
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Perhaps, then, I should just try to shelve this longing, instead of trying to get rid of it, shelve it up high and as out of reach as humanly possible, until the time is right and I can pull it out, and enjoy it in all its fullness. Can I tuck it away for now? <br />
<br />
I turn once more to my handy notebook filled with past thoughts:<br />
<br />
<i>"In a recent conversation with a wise older man, he told me how his son is a mountain guide. His son will take people into the mountains, into the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, they get snowed in, stuck, up in the wilderness. Some people get very worried and they feel like they have to get back to civilization at the time they set in there minds. Everything becomes an emergency, stressful, filled with anxiety. </i><br />
<br />
<i>Others, they look around and see it as an adventure, something to sit back and watch, enjoying each new and unexpected thing. They see the problems as challenges to take on and overcome.<b> The urgent emergency became a grand adventure to wonder at and have good memories of. </b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The man who was telling me this story was talking in regards to my being single. I loved this, and it has come to my mind multiple times since then. </i><br />
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<i>As I think about all the things little, big, important, all the enjoyable and the terrible, it comes to mind:</i><br />
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<b><i>An adventure, Jillian. Enjoy every single minute."</i></b><br />
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Even the struggles I have with vast and ridiculous self consciousness, <b>the aching to be one with someone else</b>, the ups and downs, the overwhelming desire to tell myself I am just not good enough to do anything, dealing with the mundane things in life, and all the times I question myself and my God,<i> <b>they are a challenge that sharpens me, not just a depressing problem to deal with.</b></i><br />
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*It sounds like I am contradicting <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/single-and-not-sorry-3-reasons.html" target="_blank">my last post on singleness,</a> right? In no way. I still hold to everything I stated, more then ever. But I had to be honest about the struggle. This is my challenge right now. This is my adventure. How will it end? The saga will continue, I'm sure. Happy Valentines day, by the way. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-42814906501156869262015-02-09T13:39:00.000-08:002015-02-09T13:39:37.277-08:00Obsession With Sounds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In which I make my first attempt at being a teacher.<br />
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<a href="http://www.aboveandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Android-Apps-to-Download-Free-Music-Song-MP3-Downloader.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.aboveandroid.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Android-Apps-to-Download-Free-Music-Song-MP3-Downloader.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>Being the overachieving little lady that I am,</b></span></span></div>
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I decided to start a blog twice a week, make new years resolutions, work part time, take self defense classes twice a week, take violin lessons, AND do three six week online college courses on music from Berklee college of music in Boston. <br />
<br />
So I'm getting two things done at once today. This is the assignment from week 1 of the "Introduction To Music Production" course. I briefly (I was required to keep it under five minutes) overview some basics of sound and audio. The purpose is to teach others, and through teaching, learn more myself.<br />
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So<a href="https://prezi.com/nupcfxqybfbj/timbre/" target="_blank"> <u>here it is. </u></a> <br />
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Please...enjoy. Learn a little something new today. <br />
<br />
This was my very first time putting together a presentation like this, so I figured it out as I went along. I have to say, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. I am anticipating feedback from my fellow classmates soon. <br />
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I am enjoying it all, although sometimes I do feel like I have no idea what I am doing.<br />
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I LOVE music, though, and with this I hope to greatly expand my musical world, opportunities, and experiences.<br />
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And on that note (pun intended) I leave you to go start week 2 of said classes.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-5266417300001969912015-02-06T06:31:00.000-08:002015-02-06T06:31:43.808-08:00Ladies and Gents, We Are Now In OverdriveIn which, I go too fast.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Once upon a time, in the year 2014, there was a blondie who got <i>extremely </i>bored.</span></span></b></div>
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And I mean like depressed, life is pointless, don't care anymore, what's wrong with me, bored.<br />
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Life was empty. Stupidly, she turned to overinflated, commercial, material stuff. Clothes and "toys" and technology and literal...stuff. Things. Objects. She didn't even know why.<br />
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She lost the passionate fire to further Gods kingdom, and she really, <i>really </i>wanted that flame back. She couldn't get the sparkly eyed self she used to be back. She wanted her current self to slide back into the the excited person she used to be, only two or three years before.<br />
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So, that blustery December of '14, she decided to start thinking again. She dusted off the old mind machine, and started writing and reading. She started loving people, began to get excited again.<br />
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Then, the ideas started pouring in.<br />
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<i>Oh, man, I need to do a study about that. Short story, I've got an idea for a good short story. No, make that five short stories. Hmmm, I could stand to do a self examination on this...blog post, I gotta write a blog post about that. Whoa...I love people. Life changed. Man, I need to read the whole Bible like, today. Ooh, a novel, I'm gonna write a novel. I have such a cool idea for this novel! No, no, make that a trilogy. Three books. I have to write three books. Questions, I got questions. About life and the Bible and beliefs and history and science and love and prayer and God and...</i><br />
<br />
Dude.<br />
<br />
<i>Headache.</i><br />
<br />
She went into overdrive mode, thinking about concepts and ideas and stories and philosophies. Dreams and plans a resolutions came at her, rapid fire. <br />
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It felt like too much to organize. Her own head couldn't handle her own head. She couldn't stop. It was like a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el2jPLlnnl8" target="_blank">conveyer belt in a chocolate factory</a>...those sweet thoughts were getting by her too quickly, so she grabbed them, stuffed them anywhere she could on her person, and tried to hold on to them for later.<br />
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But, she wouldn't have it any other way. She refuses to back to the way it was before. She just needs to learn how to slow down a little. <br />
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<i>Have you guys ever seen that famous chocolate factory scene? Watch it. Just. Watch it. I am Lucy. I am <b>so</b> Lucy. My brain is that silly conveyer belt with the chocolate. At first, " Oh, I got this. This is fun." Then, "too much, just grab it, stuff it in!" I cracked myself up. So stinkin' accurate.</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-32363131229247419482015-02-02T06:34:00.000-08:002015-02-02T06:34:19.554-08:00When We Feel Like Going InsaneIn which we find hope, relief, maybe even contentment and joy, on the bad days.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-TBn2XEDeWRtHZimk2ti4l0b6MEyMhVHUhHSH-zhzcM1ZAC30N-kOD3lx0gk9wltH_vGBrzu8TTXB_0mNlcyUtip4zambAnid6HZHKTBAeGBjta8wOGFX1C99wL5kUnnKbVSykKm1uZxp/s1600/o-UNHAPPY-TEEN-facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-TBn2XEDeWRtHZimk2ti4l0b6MEyMhVHUhHSH-zhzcM1ZAC30N-kOD3lx0gk9wltH_vGBrzu8TTXB_0mNlcyUtip4zambAnid6HZHKTBAeGBjta8wOGFX1C99wL5kUnnKbVSykKm1uZxp/s1600/o-UNHAPPY-TEEN-facebook.jpg" height="292" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I learned a new term recently: <i>Facefloor</i>. Like <i>facepalm </i>only, times fifty, and just...way more accurate. </span></span></b></div>
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That feeling when your day/week/month/year okay <i>life</i>... has been too <b>frustrating</b> or <b>people too hurtful</b> and your <i>brain-won't-rest-and-you're-bored-but-there's-too-much-to-do-and-its-all-hopeless-and-muddled</i>. There is, simultaneously, too much to think about and not enough to occupy your mind. And it's driving you nuts and you don't know how to cope.<br />
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Or maybe I'm the only one who gets that slightly crazed, I'm gonna scream feeling where you wish you were doing great things, lack the drive to do them, but feel like life is<i> completely</i> empty and pointless unless you are living every minute to its full potential, running around doing everything you can to change all the bad and put more good into the world. Because, <i>hello</i>, I'm a Christian and I've got to do my part to carry out the great commission or else I will be a <b>total failure</b> as a redeemed human being.<br />
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There are opportunities...people who are asking you for time and help...but it's really complicated and you don't know <b>what</b> to say or do most of the time. So the ending desire is, as stated, to just put your face to the floor. Or bang it against a wall, letting said face stay there. And groan and whimper like a little puppy. And then, if you're like me, probably cry.<br />
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Aaaaaand then get mad at yourself for having a selfish little pity party. <br />
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It's kinda brutal, guys.<br />
<br />
So, over this weekend, I have made a list on how I get <b>relief from the labyrinth of my own troubled thoughts, to quiet that worrisome fire...and maybe even be calm again.</b><br />
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There is, perhaps, better ways to go about doing this. It may not have the same effect on other people as they do on me. Hey, it might not even be all that wise.<br />
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I could probably do an extensive study in the Bible for times like this. I fact I probably should. Then I get to thinking about all the subjects I really ought to delve into scripture with and <i>schoooom</i>...I'm off into that whirlwind thinking maze again. <i>Too much, too much to process</i>... <br />
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But this is what I came up with. This is what soothes my soul. Take it or leave it. Use it or laugh at it. I don't care. It's patched together. It's not going to fix my life. It's not a remedy for all problems. There is more to it. If I had months to work this out, I would probably come up with more studied, profound ways to deal with my own issues. In fact, I might just do that months from now. I will most likely look back at this particular post and wonder what on earth I was trying to get across. <br />
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This also doubles as another<a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/25-reasons-for-eucharisteo.html" target="_blank"> reasons for Eucharisteo</a> entry. This particular list just has a specific focus today. Here goes:<br />
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26. The very ability to look around and be thankful for blessings, Be they large or very small. It is a blessing in and of itself. It is, perhaps, difficult to do at times...</div>
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27...Last Thursday I was out doing errands with my Mum, sitting in the car worrying, thinking, mulling over people, possible situations, past hurts, future problems.<b> But stop. The sky was crystal clear blue, and it was sunny and unusually warm. That sun was reflecting off the snow on the mountains, making it such a brilliant day</b>. Which got me to thinking...</div>
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28. How truly awesome it is. Little atoms, the electrons and neutrons floating around...</div>
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29...Each one is a microscopic building block for air and snow and the sun's heat. </div>
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30. How we have the ozone layer, protecting us from harm, but letting through the light that we need...</div>
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31.<a href="http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/sky_blue.html" target="_blank"> Millions of factors</a> making the sky that glorious blue. </div>
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32. And there are billions and billions of these things going on, those atoms connecting, stacking, exchanging, moving. I can't even wrap my head around all that constant, bustling activity and infinite order, on a global scale...much less a galactic one. </div>
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33. It's all bursting, swelling with life and discoveries. It's noisy and busy and chaotic yet organized. </div>
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34. And I am minuscule. I am a tiny, little, fragmented part of it all. I understand so little of it all. But I have the ability to understand that I can't understand it all. <i>(did you hear that? That was my mind exploding)</i></div>
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<a href="http://www.wanttoknow.nl/wp-content/uploads/Earth-Night-Lights.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.wanttoknow.nl/wp-content/uploads/Earth-Night-Lights.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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35. <a href="http://bighouseinthelittlewoodsblog.blogspot.com/2014/11/because-of-cold.html" target="_blank">This post</a>...and especially this quote from it: <i>"..This is about more than thankfulness—this is about finding delight in
things that ride the edge of awful and awesome (like the first
snowfall). If you’ve got the choice to hate it or love it, try loving
it."</i></div>
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36. Realizing that we do not have to always feel sublimely happy or perfectly at peace. It is an unachievable thing, to be the perfect christian, who is always on a spiritual high and always ready with an answer for every conceivable question about their faith, who always knows how to help a friend who is hurting or struggling with something<b>. Sometimes, so it seems, we have got to just slog through it all the best we can, holding on to God and His word with a white-knuckled death grip.</b></div>
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37. Remembering that since we are so minuscule, the world is not going to end when we go nuts. Granted, our world may seem like it is going to fall to pieces some days...shredded apart by discouragement and sin and grief and misery and hurt and I-could-keep-going...but life goes on. Come out the better person after it all. Easier said then done, I know.<i> Trust me</i>, I know.</div>
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38. The ability to sometimes, shut down all these stressful thoughts, fold up the crazy mind-map, and just focus on something simple. Like a movie. Or a board game. Or a walk outside. A book. Hallelujah amen praise the Lord for the capacity to just zone out. You have no idea.</div>
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39. Of course, reading my Bible is always a blessing. I can find scriptures, perhaps ones that I did not expect, that put my mind at rest. Like Titus 3:4-7.</div>
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40.<b> Having My hope in God, and not in man. </b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-8431094837984824432015-01-30T06:13:00.000-08:002015-01-30T06:13:12.611-08:00The Sluggard Attempts To AriseIn which I try to be accountable and live out my resolution.<br />
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<a href="http://7-themes.com/data_images/out/64/6991466-morning-sunrise.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://7-themes.com/data_images/out/64/6991466-morning-sunrise.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">January: Get up at 7 a.m. every morning.</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Even on weekends. Which means, accordingly, that I should,*ahem* (guilty cough), go to bed earlier. </span></span></b></div>
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I thought, in this open Journal of mine called a blog, that I would use it to become more accountable and scheduled...even if nobody reads it.There's that strong connection with other people again...even if it is just a bunch of imaginary readers who are going to hate my guts if I don't live up to my own standards. <br />
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It worked.<br />
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I used it to help psych myself into getting up at seven every morning (Okay, not <i>every </i>morning), knowing that I would be writing this at the end of the month, telling how well I did. Or how terribly.<br />
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It <i>is</i> a little difficult to pull yourself out of bed when outside, it's cold and the sun has not even come close to showing its light yet. Ugg.<br />
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You turn of the alarm, remember all your resolutions and <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/why-we-must-get-up-every-morning.html" target="_blank">your new fire for life</a>...and doze back to sleep, dreamily wondering what day it is. Four minutes later, you groan and try to pull yourself out of bed...an effort which looks, disturbingly, <i>very</i> much something like <a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/82/10/09/82100931ce46d7c509929d99df723876.jpg" target="_blank"><u>this</u></a>. Yeah.<br />
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I would pull myself out of those cozy sheets, stumble over to my <a href="http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=89366958" target="_blank">awesome chair</a>, pulling a blanket with me, and blink as I do some reading, turned my laptop on, and start writing my emails and blog posts. Not exactly a chipper start. I was, of course, picturing myself a bonnie lass who would jump up, grab some tea, do some stretches while listening to classical music, exercise, and be all showered and cheerful and ready for breakfast by eight. HA.<br />
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But hey, I was physically out of bed. Aim high and start small, right?<br />
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The habit is started. It will get easier. It is all a part of becoming more disciplined, living productively, <a href="http://therebelution.com/" target="_blank">doing hard things.</a><br />
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Prov 6:6-11, Prov 13:4, Prov 31:10-31. These verses are also my fuel for rising early. Go on. *<i>friendly poke</i>* Read 'em.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1372332654563791457.post-75691924401089737882015-01-26T07:15:00.000-08:002015-01-26T08:21:21.862-08:00Why We Must Get Up Every Morningin which is a change of my heart, and a change of lifestyle.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">I have always thought I was a people-hater. Extreme introvert. Lady hermit.</span></b></span></div>
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I never liked crowds, I'm not a huge fan of parties, large groups make me nervous, and actually, a tad bit panicky. <i>"Oh man, so many people...deep breath...don't make a fool out of yourself. (Inwardly hyperventilates)."</i><br />
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Therefore, I must just hate people altogether, right?<br />
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Way, <i>way</i> wrong.<br />
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Throughout my entire teenager-hood, I firmly stuck to this belief with uncharacteristic, stone faced stubbornness. I am an introvert, guys. I just don't like people. Go away. I like my own company best. Or a book. A book is good. End. Of. Story.<br />
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Except not really.<br />
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True, I dislike small talk, pettiness, superficial behavior, flirting, immaturity, and overall fake-ness.<br />
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But people. I <i>love</i> people.<br />
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I shocked myself when I faced up to this. Introversion was the screen I hid behind because getting to know people is painful. It is ridden with sin. It <strike>often</strike> always hurts. Because when I get to know a person, I want to know their ins and outs and struggles and beliefs and dreams. (blame it on the INFJ personality). I want to really<i> know</i> a person. I need to connect with them on something. I <i>hate</i> small talk, but because I decided that I didn't like other people altogether, that's what I turned to, more frequently than I would like to admit. I was, to quote <a href="http://christopherstahlberg.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">a friend</a>, "in a mental prison of my own making." <br />
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I wrote this last spring, and when I went back a read it recently, it rang so true with what I am realizing now:<br />
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<i>"I am so selfish. I don't care enough about other people and I am very unhappy with that fact. I feel very guilty about it.</i><br />
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<i>Most of the time, when I show concern or care for others, it is not out of real, true honest care for them. It is because I want that attention and care directed back to me. As non-sociable as I may seem, I still have that very human desire to be loved, cared about and held dear, precious. To be wanted. And that selfish, sometimes desperate craving pushes its way, slyly, into how I treat others. I have concern for someone, only so they will show concern back. This can be on the shallow levels of having conversations with coworkers about humdrum life, to deeper interactions with my family.</i><br />
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<i>Love..it's unconditional. It does not pretend to be all concerned about someones suffering, just so that that concern will be retaliated later. That's not love. That's not the love that God has for us, that I now wish to have for others.</i><br />
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<i>I want to look at others and instead of thinking:</i><br />
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<i>"I wonder if they like me?" </i><br />
<i>"I hope they thought I was funny"</i><br />
<i>"Do they really care?"</i><br />
<i>"Did I impress them?" </i><br />
<i>"Do they think I am being stupid?"</i><br />
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<i>I put my mind on a much better path. That one is not going to get me anywhere. I want to find the best in people, and, having as much love as God does, forgive the worst.*</i><br />
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<i>I have the desire to look at another person and enjoy them to the full, their personality quirks, the things that makes them, them. to be amazed at talent, not jealous. To find little habits that are cute or funny. To appreciate anothers sensitivity or intelligence. When I observe another person, I want to remember that they are a fallen, sinful human being, just like me, who struggle with gargantuan human error. <b>Why do I always judge them instead of connecting, with the fact that we are both just terrible people without God?</b></i><br />
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<i>I 1 Corinthians 14, it says to pursue love. <b>You have to work for it, try for it, pick it up, make it a habit, <a href="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/18/76/43/18764357b507fb0210f80d15c4a0ff73.jpg" target="_blank">make a painful continuous effort to love</a></b>. Instead, we all just want to meet up with all the people that we relate to, decide who we like, usually for selfish reasons, and call it friendship or love.</i><br />
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<i>That is just not what I am going to settle for. With Gods help, I am going to pursue love. And I am not talking about romantic love. </i><br />
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<i>I am saying I want too love people because God loved them, and are worth something to Him. </i><br />
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<i>He gave some of them great senses of humor; talent simple tingles in others.</i><br />
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<i> He gave some a naturally sweet and caring demeanor. </i><br />
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<i>Some have great beauty, some amazing intelligence. </i><br />
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<i>He made some able to care for others and others, the ability to create pretty mind blowing things.</i><br />
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<i>I want to clap my hands as I watch it all and delight in others. <b>Purely, cleanly, with nothing more behind it than that I really am in awe of so many wonderful ways a person can be unique.</b></i><br />
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<i>I am going to open up a long shut, sensitive door and be concerned when another is hurting, to feel their pain with them. Because that's what Christ does, and I want to be more like Him.</i><br />
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<i>I want my love to be raw and open, susceptible to hurt** because I care SO MUCH about others. I'll say it again..loving like God. And I think I am finding out how that love works. How much more in-comprehensive Gods love is.</i><br />
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<i>I want to be able to unselfishly stay up all night with a brother or sister who is hurting, not because I feel morally obligated or it will impress others when I complain about it later, but because I want that person to be comforted, to not be lonely. I want to be able to disregard "me time" because there is someone out there who needs a hand and I know with all my heart that God sees them as precious and special, noteworthy and important. I don't want to give it second thought when someone asks me to give of my time and energy. <a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/70/e2/81/70e28174a77b23febe644b644b3e42e9.jpg" target="_blank">I want menial, simple tasks to be the greatest joy and fulfillment</a> and privilege, because looking good or being popular, impressing others, is not going to fill that void. I pray this is a step closer to woman God wants me to be." </i><br />
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When I wonder why I bother to get up, to make an effort, to keep going...<b>I must remember.</b><br />
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I must remember that there are over six billion people out there right now, every single one of them in need of love and forgiveness...in need of God. They need care and a friendly smile, they need light and encouragement and help. <b>How on earth could I get bored with life and wonder what the point is?</b><br />
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If I look beyond my own little world, which, granted, has plenty of ups and downs and frustrations and struggles, I will see that those struggles don't have to consume me. <br />
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<b>I must pull past those struggles and pains, show others that I am a flailing mess too, take their hand, and say, "lets get through this together,<a href="http://christopherstahlberg.blogspot.com/2014/10/lonely-solipsists.html" target="_blank"> the way God created it to be</a>. I will fall, I will sin, I will forget about you, but I will stand back up, confess that I did it wrong, and remember you again."</b><br />
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And again and again and again. <br />
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There are over six billion people. There are over six billion ways to share this love and strength and struggle.<br />
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Pick a few methods. Pick a few people. Stick to them. Pick more, the older you get, never get bored.<br />
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1 Cor 13. Matthew 22:38-39: This is my manifesto. <br />
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I will never run out of reasons to get up. Or reasons to give up, either. <br />
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*I know there are several issues connected with this, such as correcting a brother...that loving him is to chastise him. That we cannot look over a fellow believers sin, because that would not be true love. That is another subject that I must tackle for myself, but one thing at a time. <a href="http://ponderingblondie.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-secret-room-and-waterfall.html" target="_blank">Remember the waterfall?</a><br />
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**This is not to say that I just trust anyone, tell them everything. Sin is rampant, and I must be careful. But I must not hate people...I must hate the sin.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11906154382984170459noreply@blogger.com4