Ambition

In which I sheepishly admit:

There once was a girl who had SO much to write.

She was gonna pace herself and just do two articles a week.

HA.

And then she got lazy one day and decided she couldn't make time to do what she loved...write. And the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that, she was still too "busy".

(Ahem:
 Busy: Verb. That state in which someone decides they would much rather use their free time to read books, browse the Internet, read other blogs, and do other, slightly less taxing pastimes than writing. Yeah. Busy)

Meet yours truly, the Royal Queen of procrastination.

The every day, tired girly who smells like pizza...you're welcome?

Hi.

Apologies for the absence, and anyone who might have seen the funky chalkboard header I was experimenting with. *Shudders*. Not sure what I was thinking there.

Anyhoo.

Like with anything, anything, musician, athlete, dancer,  photographer, writer...we've got to keep up with what we do.

 Just do it. (Thanks Nike)

Don't stop. 

Don't let the muscle get stiff. Not if it's something  your passionate about  and really want to pursue. It's like our brains are all fired up to be the greatest at what we absolutely love...and our resolve is this pathetic little balloon that all to easily just kinda...deflates. With lots of whining and lame excuses. 

If you really love what it is you are trying to improve on or learn more about, forcing yourself to actually do it will be hard for like, the first 3 minutes. I promise.

Then...BAM.

"Oh, yeah, I love playing music. Writing unlocks the creative genius dancing around in there. Man, this is fun. I should do this all the time and just live in creative bliss!"

Ever think about how much a human being is actually capable of accomplishing in one days time?

A normal human being like you and me. We have, what, about 14 to 16 waking hours in a day?

I believe God created us with a lot more potential for productivity and passion, than the vast majority of us ever bother to unlock.

If you were the most productive version of yourself, how do you see your life going? What would you be doing differently if you were not hindered by procrastination and laziness(like me)?

Seriously, though, think about that one.

Selfish

In which I think about selfishness and contentment.

The view from my bedroom window ya'll.

 Do you ever get told that you need to find your contentment and joy in God before anything else?

If your a christian, then I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you've been told this...

A LOT.

The way I look at it, there are two different categories of being content.

 The physical: you know, the money and houses and buildings and cars and computers and decorations and furniture and and everything material that turns to dust eventually on this spinning globe;

...and the metaphysical. The things like love, people's affection and friendship, belief in God, peace of heart and soul, faith, happiness.

What yours truly looks like 60% of the time. Tucked in her room, with her laptop and her headphones and her books. Not smiling. sorry. Who has a smile plastered on there face when they're doing school anyway? Not me.

Growing up christian, church every Sunday since I was a baby, befriending people with conservative standards...this ensured that from Sunday school age that I was steeped in the message that, "God is enough, and we shouldn't want other peoples toys because that is coveting and we aren't supposed to do that. Stuff isn't important, kids." And later..."don't pursue riches, don't worry about what your going to eat, what you are going to wear, look at the lilies of the field." 

Okay. Got it. Thank you. 

    My issue isn't that physical stuff...if it came down to that I could be pretty easily pleased. Honestly, I think I could care less if I lived the rest of my life in an RV park, working the local breakfast cafe and living off frozen pizza and PB&J sandwiches.

What it always always looks like next to my bed... lets see, Bible, three or four apologetics/theologish books, a couple notebooks, a couple fictional books, a free grace broadcaster...I think I'm half way through like, um, all of them. 

After all, a library membership is still free, so as long as I had wifi and hot water....I'd be good to go. I can see it now...me, 25, working six mornings a week, always driving a car that's at least twelve years old, coming home to a tiny trailer with a cat or two, reading any good book I could get my hands on, writing books that will never get published, playing/listening to music, watching some movies and TV shows, and jogging on the weekends after church.

If that's all there was to life, then I'd be a pretty happy camper.  I am blessed with a lot of awesome "stuff" right now. (See above references to books and music) But as cool as I think some of this stuff is...I know its really empty. I know it's dust in the end, and that my happiness can't rest on it.

Its the other kind of contentment that I go "rounds in the ring with", so to speak.

Me: Hey, I should take a selfie of what I usually look like! Make a cute face! Ummmm...never mind maybe I should just go back to writing blog posts and doing school. Apparently, I have not mastered the art of the selfie face. I think that's a good thing though.

 Weirdly, in conversations with a few people that I have had recently, they all asked me the same question, unbeknownst to each other that they were all asking it:

What do you want, Jillian? What do you want your life to look like?

Blink. Blink. Blank stare.

 "I...I dunno. I thought it was up to God to decide that. I thought it wasn't supposed to be about what I want. What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you want to do with the life God has given you? Do you want to just play violin all the time and read books and take taekwondo?  Do you want to just get married and have babies?  Do you think you might want to be a missionary?"

"Well...maybe. I mean, yeah, all of that...that would be great. But none of it's really that important if I  don't know who God is, who I am in relation to God, if I don't know what my faith is, if I don't know what I stand for, if I can't understand why God does what He does. I gotta know that first."

Let me tell you,  I've been a professing christian since I was seven, a real, baptized, heart-changed christian when I was twelve, but despite all that...here, now, I realize that my faith was more just my parents than my own. That's what happens when you grow up in a Christian home. Not that that's a bad thing...but its like becoming a christian all over again, when you really think through a plethora of subjects for yourself.

 If you grew up in a christian home too, I think this will really resonate with you. You just believed what you believed and did what you did because that's what mom and dad believe and this is what they say is right and that was enough. Life was good. Let Mommy and Daddy figure out the problems, and then tell you what to do. That was, actually, pretty easy.

And then, at some point, you find out that you must believe it for yourself. You have to hold your Christianity in your own two hands and become convicted of things in your own burning heart, while your parents stand just a little to the side and watch while you and God have it out. They are there, and you are still going to go to them first with all those millions of questions that you have, but they are not God.  They admit themselves that they are human and don't have all the answers.

For someone who never really rested on God but on their parents, this shatters your safe little world.
Holding your convictions in your hands because YOU are convicted of them...it's a hot coal. It burns. It stings. You want to throw it back. It's too much responsibility. You freak out because it turns out all along, you had no idea what your idea of God was.

So, to tie it all together, this is what I want: I want to find my contentment in God, to solidify my shaky faith in Him, to once more find my joy in Him.

Life is empty otherwise. I am stuck there, right now, unable to move into anything with any kind of passion or surety, because I don't stand on anything solid yet. No way could I become a missionary or get married or have kids or minister to others when I have not found my own contentment yet.

 After that, I can move on with life, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I am and whatever I have, the emptiness that is always in my heart can be filled by Him and no other. Not my parents, not my future husband, not my future children. Not my stuff.

I am being selfish. But I HAVE to get this done first. First Comes God, then comes me and God, and then once I have that established, this relationship of "me and God" sheds a light on everything else.

Oh hey look! A real smile.

The Sluggard Attempts To Arise

In which I try to be accountable and live out my resolution.

January: Get up at 7 a.m. every morning.

Even on weekends. Which means, accordingly, that I should,*ahem* (guilty cough), go to bed earlier.

                 
I thought, in this open Journal of mine called a blog, that I would use it to become more accountable and scheduled...even if nobody reads it.There's that strong connection with other people again...even if it is just a bunch of imaginary readers who are going to hate my guts if I don't live up to my own standards.

It worked.

 I used it to help psych myself into getting up at seven every morning (Okay, not every morning), knowing that I would be writing this at the end of the month, telling how well I did. Or how terribly.

It is a little difficult to pull yourself out of bed when outside, it's cold and the sun has not even come close to showing its light yet. Ugg.

You turn of the alarm, remember all your resolutions and your new fire for life...and doze back to sleep, dreamily wondering what day it is. Four minutes later,  you groan and try to pull yourself out of bed...an effort which looks, disturbingly, very much something like this. Yeah.

I would pull myself out of those cozy sheets, stumble over to my awesome chair, pulling a blanket with me, and blink as I do some reading, turned my laptop on, and start writing my emails and blog posts. Not exactly a chipper start. I was, of course, picturing myself a bonnie lass who would jump up, grab some tea, do some stretches while listening to classical music, exercise,  and be all showered and cheerful and ready for breakfast by eight. HA.

But hey, I was physically out of bed. Aim high and start small, right?

The habit is started. It will get easier. It is all a part of becoming more disciplined, living productively, doing hard things.

Prov 6:6-11, Prov 13:4,  Prov 31:10-31. These verses are also my fuel for rising early. Go on. *friendly poke* Read 'em.

Why We Must Get Up Every Morning

in which is a change of my heart, and a change of lifestyle.

I have always thought I was a people-hater. Extreme introvert.  Lady hermit.

I never liked crowds, I'm not a huge fan of parties, large groups make me nervous, and actually, a tad bit panicky. "Oh man, so many people...deep breath...don't make a fool out of yourself. (Inwardly hyperventilates)."

Therefore, I must just hate people altogether, right?

Way, way wrong.

Throughout my entire teenager-hood, I firmly stuck to this belief with uncharacteristic, stone faced stubbornness. I am an introvert, guys. I just don't like people. Go away. I like my own company best. Or a book. A book is good. End. Of. Story.

Except not really.

True, I dislike small talk, pettiness, superficial behavior, flirting, immaturity, and overall fake-ness.

But people. I love people.

I shocked myself when I faced up to this.  Introversion was the screen I hid behind because getting to know people is painful. It is ridden with sin. It often always hurts. Because when I get to know a person, I want to know their ins and outs and struggles and beliefs and dreams. (blame it on the INFJ personality). I want to really know a person.  I need to connect with them on something. I hate small talk, but because I decided that I didn't like other people altogether, that's what I turned to, more frequently than I would like to admit. I was, to quote a friend, "in a mental prison of my own making."

I wrote this last spring, and when I went back a read it recently, it rang so true with what I am realizing now:

"I am so selfish. I don't care enough about other people and I am very unhappy with that fact. I feel very guilty about it.

Most of the time, when I show concern or care for others, it is not out of real, true honest care for them. It is because I want that attention and care directed back to me. As non-sociable as I may seem, I still have that very human desire to be loved, cared about and held dear, precious. To be wanted. And that selfish, sometimes desperate craving pushes its way, slyly, into how I treat others. I have concern for someone, only so they will show concern back. This can be on the shallow levels of having conversations with coworkers about humdrum life, to deeper interactions with my family.

Love..it's unconditional. It does not pretend to be all concerned about someones suffering, just so that that concern will be retaliated later.  That's not love. That's not the love that God has for us, that I now wish to have for others.

I want to look at others and instead of thinking:

"I wonder if they like me?"
"I hope they thought I was funny"
"Do they really care?"
"Did I impress them?"
"Do they think I am being stupid?"

I put my mind on a much better path. That one is not going to get me anywhere. I want to find the best in people, and, having as much love as God does, forgive the worst.*

I have the desire to look at another person and enjoy them to the full, their personality quirks, the things that makes them, them. to be amazed at talent, not jealous. To find little habits that are cute or funny. To appreciate anothers sensitivity or intelligence. When I observe another person, I want to remember that they are a fallen, sinful human being, just like me, who struggle with gargantuan human error. Why do I always judge them instead of connecting, with the fact that we are both just terrible people without God?

I 1 Corinthians 14, it says to pursue love. You have to work for it, try for it, pick it up, make it a habit, make a painful continuous effort to love. Instead, we all just want to meet up with all the people that we relate to, decide who we like, usually for selfish reasons, and call it friendship or love.

That is just not what I am going to settle for. With Gods help, I am going to pursue love. And I am not talking about romantic love.

I am saying I want too love people because God loved them, and are worth something to Him. 

He gave some of them great senses of humor; talent simple tingles in others.

 He gave some a naturally sweet and caring demeanor. 

Some have great beauty, some amazing intelligence. 

He made some able to care for others and others, the ability to create pretty mind blowing things.

I want to clap my hands as I watch it all and delight in others. Purely, cleanly, with nothing more behind it than that I really am in awe of so many wonderful ways a person can be unique.

I am going to open up a long shut, sensitive door and be concerned when another is hurting, to feel their pain with them. Because that's what Christ does, and I want to be more like Him.

I want my love to be raw and open, susceptible to hurt** because I care SO MUCH about others. I'll say it again..loving like God. And I think I am finding out how that love works. How much more in-comprehensive Gods love is.

I want to be able to unselfishly stay up all night with a brother or sister who is hurting, not because I feel morally obligated or it will impress others when I complain about it later, but because I want that person to be comforted, to not be lonely. I want to be able to disregard "me time" because there is someone out there who needs a hand and I know with all my heart that God sees them as precious and special, noteworthy and important. I don't want to give it second thought when someone asks me to give of my time and energy. I want menial, simple tasks to be the greatest joy and fulfillment and privilege, because looking good or being popular, impressing others, is not going to fill that void. I pray this is a step closer to woman God wants me to be."

 When I wonder why I bother to get up, to make an effort, to keep  going...I must remember.

I must remember that there are over six billion people out there right now, every single one of them in need of love and forgiveness...in need of God. They need care and a friendly smile, they need light and encouragement and help. How on earth could I get bored with life and wonder what the point is?

If I look beyond my own little world, which, granted, has plenty of ups and downs and frustrations and struggles, I will see that those struggles don't have to consume me.

I must pull past those struggles and pains, show others that I am a flailing mess too, take their hand, and say, "lets get through this together, the way God created it to be. I will fall, I will sin, I will forget about you, but I will stand back up, confess that I did it wrong, and remember you again."

 And again and again and again.

There are over six billion people. There are over six billion ways to share this love and strength and struggle.

Pick a few methods. Pick a few people. Stick to them. Pick more, the older you get, never get bored.

1 Cor 13. Matthew 22:38-39: This is my manifesto. 

I will never run out of reasons to get up. Or reasons to give up, either.

*I know there are several issues connected with this, such as correcting a brother...that loving him is to chastise him. That we cannot look over a fellow believers sin, because that would not be true love. That is another subject that I must tackle for myself, but one thing at a time. Remember the waterfall?

**This is not to say that I just trust anyone, tell them everything. Sin is rampant, and I must be careful. But I must not hate people...I must hate the sin.

Will Someone Kindly Yell At Me?

In which is a struggle and the start of the solution to it. I wrote this out late one night last week when I was feeling a little frustrated with myself.

Somebody whip me. Poke me with a cattle prod. Yell at me.

"I'm asking. Please. Because I need a driving force. I need a fire lit under me. I would do that myself, but I am simply at a loss of how to go about it.

I am marvelous plan-maker. No really, I excel at it. My life is going to be profound and I am going to be just...a pro at all sorts of things. I'm gonna be smart and have adorable, perfect babies and never be upset with my future husband and never get stressed out.

I am going to make a world changing difference in all the lives I meet. I'm gonna stay perfectly fit and earn extra money with all those ingenious ideas and various skills that I have. I'm going to be a published writer someday and play violin in big orchestras and live this life packed to the rafters with achievements.

Pfffft. Yeah. Right.

I seriously get my own heart rate going just thinking about all this awesome stuff I am going to do.

Key word: going.

After I have satisfactorily planned out my amazing life , I will then go take a nap, read a fictional adventure book,  eat a snack, watch a movie....and oh would you look at that it's time for bed. I'll have to start on the theology book tomorrow. It's way too late to practice music. Oh, and there'll be plenty of time this weekend to write letters to people...

Apparently, strong desire to be successful and rise above, is not strong enough.

Because the procrastination desire is a MONSTER."


So I am on a mission. To find something, to find a way of living, that makes me eager to get up in the morning. That keeps me going when I feel like giving up.

And at the same time, I know that is selfish. I am not to live for myself. I am to live for others. And that is my answer right there. 

Funny thing:
  In writing this, and looking back in my notebook at previous entries, I found the answer to the above written frustrations...which, believe me, were really dragging me down in the dumps of late.

So that purpose, that reason to jump out of bed in the morning...that is a whole other post. One that will probably be my most emotional and real and open...with myself, not to mention any who are reading this.

It has been a one woman revolution for me. And it's still happening.

 And it's all God.

Climbing Up to It, Part 2

In which we embark on a little journey together...Where I hopefully become calmer, wiser, and a stronger christian...and you become excited to do the same.

Photo credit http://www.grantordelheide.com/

Don't roll your eyes when I say it: New Years Resolutions.
Are you sick of that one? Yeah...Me too.

  To quote a friend:
" I mean, come on, they like never last past January."

But I'm only going to do one in January.
And then one in February.
And then we'll work on March...See where I'm going with this?

Apparently, it takes anywhere from 21 days to six weeks to 66 days to just, months and months,  to form a habit. I'm expert because I just googled it. Nobody really seems to be sure.

So I'm starting small. Giving myself a month to improve myself in one way or the other.  And I wanted you to know because when I've tried the resolution thing in the past and told no one, it didn't last for a week. Pathetic, I know.

Some of them, I really do want to make a daily habit. Others, well, they are just things that I need to get done. I would be thrilled if you joined me.

Here are the first six months. Once I've come up with six more, I'll let you know.

(And hey guys, I'm open to suggestions)

January: Get up at 7 a.m. every morning
Even on weekends.Which means, accordingly, that I should, *ahem* (guilty cough), go to be earlier. 

February: Only Pinterest on Mondays.
Lemme explain. I am a bit of a Pinterest addict, and it wastes time. I can't do it so much anymore without feeling guilty, Since Mondays are my day at home, this will leave so much more during the rest of the week for other things...like blogging for example.   

March: Get the hardest three things of the day done first. 
According to Pinterest (don't judge me) the most successful people in history got up early and tackled whatever was most difficult about their day first. Since theoretically by this time I will be up a seven all the time, this one should give me plenty of time for the rest of the day. For what? We'll find out.

April: Rid myself of at least one thing, every day.
I'm talking clothes, unwanted beauty products, random useless pens, my ipod (I don't even remember how I ended up with some songs on that thing.) And I don't even want to think about a certain pile   of receipts, pay stubs, and bank statements. 

May: Purposefully encourage/uplift a different person.

Every. Single. Day. 

   This one is going be a habit.

June: Read my bible every single day.
Because if I am going to be brutally honest with you, I don't. And I really need to study it. I miss out on thankfulness, cheerfulness, being content to my core, seeing the world in a sharp new focus everyday...all because I am lazy and don't read it.  

I'll be checking in at the end of each month to tell you how I did.  
 

Climbing Up to It, Part 1

In which you get to find out whats happening here.

There is a book I have, that says you should just start writing. Just write.

  Later, you can edit, rewrite, chop your literary work up and glue it back together so that it comes out (hopefully) polished, professional, beautiful, and worth reading. 

 So what am I doing right now? Just writing. Because I need to have introductory post, starting this blog out, telling you why I'm here and what to expect. I've been thinking a lot about what I was going to say, how it was going to be all profound and make you feel as if your day were somehow more fulfilled because you read my post. Not sure if that's going to happen.

We are on a constant, never ending journey once God puts us on this earth. We change and grow and learn, and when we learn, we change again. And if we are blessed, we will find Gods love, find out how He saved us. And life will take on a whole new meaning. Life becomes a struggle, looking up to our goals and Gods word and trying to piece it all together. All the while we are pulling through the muck and the good and the painful and the guilt and the joy.

We are climbing. Trying to be better, realizing we can't without God there, His hand the one that pulls us up through all those thoughts and confusions, all the times we fall back down, having to get up again with scraped knees and a sometimes battered resolve.

Maybe it's just a young person thing, but I would like to make a difference by sharing that with you.

 I would like to be one of those people that makes other people have a better day.

I would like to be one of those persons who brightens up a room and encourages you to keep going. 

I would like to tell you that I struggle through those everyday things too.

I would like to be there for you, putting a different pair of glasses on you, with each post, so that you can look at the world around you just a little differently.

 Because I have those moments where I just got my eyes opened in a whole new way and oh man guys Ihavetoshareitwithyou you have to look at life this way too!

We'll make it interesting. 

To find out more about me and this blog, have a look at  The Girl, and, Why is She Curious?