Ambition

In which I sheepishly admit:

There once was a girl who had SO much to write.

She was gonna pace herself and just do two articles a week.

HA.

And then she got lazy one day and decided she couldn't make time to do what she loved...write. And the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that, she was still too "busy".

(Ahem:
 Busy: Verb. That state in which someone decides they would much rather use their free time to read books, browse the Internet, read other blogs, and do other, slightly less taxing pastimes than writing. Yeah. Busy)

Meet yours truly, the Royal Queen of procrastination.

The every day, tired girly who smells like pizza...you're welcome?

Hi.

Apologies for the absence, and anyone who might have seen the funky chalkboard header I was experimenting with. *Shudders*. Not sure what I was thinking there.

Anyhoo.

Like with anything, anything, musician, athlete, dancer,  photographer, writer...we've got to keep up with what we do.

 Just do it. (Thanks Nike)

Don't stop. 

Don't let the muscle get stiff. Not if it's something  your passionate about  and really want to pursue. It's like our brains are all fired up to be the greatest at what we absolutely love...and our resolve is this pathetic little balloon that all to easily just kinda...deflates. With lots of whining and lame excuses. 

If you really love what it is you are trying to improve on or learn more about, forcing yourself to actually do it will be hard for like, the first 3 minutes. I promise.

Then...BAM.

"Oh, yeah, I love playing music. Writing unlocks the creative genius dancing around in there. Man, this is fun. I should do this all the time and just live in creative bliss!"

Ever think about how much a human being is actually capable of accomplishing in one days time?

A normal human being like you and me. We have, what, about 14 to 16 waking hours in a day?

I believe God created us with a lot more potential for productivity and passion, than the vast majority of us ever bother to unlock.

If you were the most productive version of yourself, how do you see your life going? What would you be doing differently if you were not hindered by procrastination and laziness(like me)?

Seriously, though, think about that one.

Day

In which are musings to change the way we think of day.

 Day. A strange, quirky, fascinating journey.

Just.

 Think about it.

In the morning, it's kind of all slow and foggy and still a little dark. Things are cool and fresh and smell like coffee shops and sound like birds just starting to chirp. We listen to different music than we do at night. Your mood in the morning? It's not going to happen at any other time of the day.

But by the time night comes around, our senses are fully alive. We are ready to wrap up a day that was a roller coaster of life and food and conversations. It was full of boring moments. Sad moments.  Hysterical laughter. Impatience. Frustration.

We may have just interacted with a surprisingly large amount of people as this day went on. We probably impacted even more people than we will ever know.

So all the sudden, only hours later, we are in a completely different world than we were in hours before. And in a few hours, it will start all over again. Some days are a long journey, a day that was an eon...by nightfall, morning really did feel like it was years ago.

Sometimes we may feel like it gets a little old. Like days need to be longer, because we have to make breakfast and get up and take another shower and brush our teeth again, even though we just did it yesterday and a thousand yesterdays before that.

But that's just it. We have taken these thousands of journeys, from dewy, clean mornings to emotional, volatile night time. Over and over. Its like our life is splintered up into countless little lives, that pass in a brief 24 hour period.

So think of that next time you open your curtains in the morning, or end your night with weary eyes. Think of all the billions of things you'll do, just in that day, or all the millions of emotions you traveled though, as your eyelids droop with fatigue.

Think of how a day is like a little lifetime. You are born into the morning, your eyes opening, blinking at the light. You stretch. You will grow, however slowly. You will be hurt. You will be loved. You will discover. You will want to give up on something. You grow weary. You die into the night. But you will try your life all over again the next day.

Think of that. Think of the beauty in that. The wonder and strangeness. Change your perspective.

And don't even get me started on nighttime. 

Pieces Of Me...J.C

Look guys. I made a quote. Since this, my blog, is a place for me to throw all my literary scribbles and random creativity at the world, sometimes, stuff like this is just gonna happen.

Take it or leave it. I don't care.

It's just a piece of me...J.C.

Currently

In which I get selfish and write about myself and my life...oh wait, that's almost every post...

Keeping a regular Journal is not really my thing,

Despite the fact that I write a scrap of something in at least one of my sixteen (yes, sixteen) half filled notebooks everyday. (I like to tell myself each notebook kind of has it's own subject. This ones for spiritual thoughts, that ones for making lists, this ones for story ideas, that ones for blog post ideas, this one is for my favorite quotes from books, that one is for emotional feelings, this one is...yeah you get the idea.) 

But I was inspired by pinterest (ehehe) just to try some good old plain journaling (I don't think that's a word. Any way you should try this. It's kinda fun). 

1. Thinking: About life. The point of life. Some days, it's just enough to be a person and do normal person things like eat breakfast and read books and take walks and clean house and go to work. Most days, though, for someone like me, I am also thinking about why I am doing this or that, what the point is, if I should be doing something else, and if I really can be happy living this everyday, physical life, when something in my heart keeps aching and telling me how life is so much more than material things. It hurts so much just to be a physical human being doing mundane things sometimes. I am a soul with body, as C.S Lewis so accurately said. And living the everyday, minute by physical minute...it's achingly painful some days. I don't like it. Sometimes, I don't want to find wonder in this world, even though I know I should. This soul gets a little stir crazy inside this body, and gets the inexpressible urge to make that physical body scream or cry or throw something at a wall. Just because I am not enough, and this world seems to be not enough. "Find your place, Jillian. Let the blessings of this world make you physically happy but not soulfully content. Stop trying to do this shallow thing of finding all your happiness in a nicely decorated room or a new movie or good food. You know those things won't cut it, silly girl. Appreciate a marvelous mountain view, a vigorous hike, a good book. Appreciate and enjoy it all. But stop trying to fill up a eternal glass with a perishable water. This physical world is the overflow of our cup that runneth over with blessings...it is not what fills that cup in the first place."

2. Enjoying: Words. Bible verses, lovely quotes, new words, music lyrics, written words. Because they are something physical, something seen and heard, that represents something not seen. The body of a soul, I guess you could say.

3. Feeling: Sad. But happy. Because "Sad is happy for deep people". (apparently, this quote is from Doctor Who. And I haven't even seen Doctor Who. But this quote though. It's so accurate it makes my hurt heart)

4. Wearing: Um, Dark purple and turquoise. This color combo kinda makes me happy for some reason. For example, my blog header.

5. Needing: To study more of Gods word.

6. Wanting: To be Okay with my christian walk. To not be so perturbed by it.

7. Listening: To "the best of Epic Music 2012" on Youtube. Another physical thing representing the soulful and untouchable.

8. Making: Um, lets see. Oh, I'm sewing a coat that I designed myself. Slow going. I'm so gonna show it off on the internet when it's done though.

9. Eating: Well, currently nothing. But I did have a pretty good omelet this morning.

10. Drinking: A raspberry mocha. Okay, Okay,  so physical food can be pretty awesome sometimes....

You Can't Tell Anyone

In which is, another quote.

I'll be back to writing soon. I see a light at the end of the tunnel with my classes...please don't go away.

This is Where I Thrive

In which I give you another quote. I am feeling quite poetic today. Deal with it.

Here's a jaw-dropper for you...I am female, therefore I am emotional.

No way, right? Betcha you never would have guessed.

My older sister told me a few weeks ago: "You know Jillian, I've been reading your blog, and you are really good at portraying feeling." (Thank you, sis, by the way. I treasure those little compliments)

And because I am emotional and so much of what I write has to do with all those feelings, I think it tends to look a little...mushy? Sappy? Melodramatic?

Sometimes I genuinely fear it's overdone. "Oh dear, am I being too sentimental? Will they think it's overkill?  Am I a literary drama queen?"

One of these days, I keep telling myself, I need to buckle down and seriously write some good, sound, theological arguments on all my beliefs on God and not make it so flowery and tender and, well...emotional. It needs to be all boxed together and organized, with a generous sprinkling of" therefores' " and "herebys' ". It might even need to seem a little boring and dry. It needs to be grown up and serious, and for Pete's sake, lose all the italic emphasis' on everything!

Sometimes I honestly think, "Why can't I write more like a well educated pastor in his fifties?" All calm arguments and logical articles on things. Besides the fact that, duh, a twenty year old female is about the farthest thing from a pastor in his fifties, I genuinely convice myself sometimes that that's what my writing style should be more like.

In a word, things should be a little more....stable.

But really...I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry folks, but I believe I will always write from the emotional roller coaster of female viewpoint. (Ooh, another shocker, right?)

Maybe it's too emotional. Maybe it's too tender. Too feminine or overdone. Maybe a little immature, wide eyed, idealistic. Perhaps it does focus too much on love and happiness and wistful thinking.

But when that is who I am, how God created me, and where I am at, how can it be anything else?

 I'm not saying its right or wrong...maybe its right, maybe its very wrong.

It is what it is. God help me if that is not what it should be.

Every so slightly unrelated, I found a quote that perfectly sums up those feelings of the past few weeks that I have been writing about. Please. Enjoy.

"Sure. I'll make small talk. Discuss the ins and outs of a 'typical' day. Pass the time lightly. Say tiny things. I'm happy to tread surfaces with a smile, and will. Sometimes. Yet-when I look at you, I know there are layers.

 Dimensions. 

Collections of ancient wisdom.

 Stories on stories. 

Core needs. 

Humanness. 

 This is where I light up. This is where I thrive. You can't be caged up in a pool for long. Not when you are someone who wants oceans." -Victoria Erickson

Ladies and Gents, We Are Now In Overdrive

In which, I go too fast.

Once upon a time, in the year 2014, there was a blondie who got extremely bored.

And I mean like depressed, life is pointless, don't care anymore, what's wrong with me, bored.

Life was empty. Stupidly, she turned to overinflated, commercial, material stuff. Clothes and "toys" and technology and literal...stuff. Things. Objects. She didn't even know why.

She lost the passionate fire to further Gods kingdom, and she really, really wanted that flame back. She couldn't get the sparkly eyed self she used to be back. She wanted her current self to slide back into the the excited person she used to be, only two or three years before.

So, that blustery December of '14, she decided to start thinking again. She dusted off the old mind machine, and started writing and reading. She started loving people, began to get excited again.

Then, the ideas started pouring in.

Oh, man, I need to do a study about that. Short story, I've got an idea for a good short story. No, make that five short stories. Hmmm, I could stand to do a self examination on this...blog post, I gotta write a blog post about that. Whoa...I love people. Life changed. Man, I need to read the whole Bible like, today. Ooh, a novel, I'm gonna write a novel. I have such a cool idea for this novel! No, no, make that a trilogy. Three books. I have to write three books. Questions, I got questions. About life and the Bible and beliefs and history and science and love and prayer and God and...

Dude.

Headache.

She went into overdrive mode, thinking about concepts and ideas and stories and philosophies. Dreams and plans a resolutions came at her, rapid fire. 

It felt like too much to organize. Her own head couldn't  handle her own head. She couldn't stop. It was like a conveyer belt in a chocolate factory...those sweet thoughts were getting by her too quickly, so she grabbed them, stuffed them anywhere she could on her person, and tried to hold on to them for later.

But, she wouldn't have it any other way. She refuses to back to the way it was before. She just needs to learn how to slow down a little.

Have you guys ever seen that famous chocolate factory scene? Watch it. Just. Watch it. I am Lucy. I am so Lucy. My brain is that silly conveyer belt with the chocolate. At first, " Oh, I got this. This is fun." Then, "too much, just grab it, stuff it in!" I cracked myself up. So stinkin' accurate.

A Secret Room And A Waterfall

In which I say please, please, do yourself a favor and go do what makes you feel this way:

When I write anything, at first, it's always loose ends and half baked plans.

I have this vague idea, this beginning, and I know that I must write to find out for myself, how it's going to look. What comes next, it's a discovery for me, just as much as you.

 I had one of those vague ideas this week: I wanted to tell you why you should start writing again, if you are writer. Or if not, why you should at least give it a try.

Because when I write, the world simultaneously calms down, comes into focus, and also grows loud and colorful and epic.

When I write, I remember what I am always forgetting. What is most important: God, and other people. They matter most when I write.

I write to stare my problems in the face and fight them, flesh them out.

But I also write to forget about my problems, get lost in another time, place, memory.

When I write, my thoughts stretch beyond myself. To think of something other than myself is a relief to myself, ironically.

When I write, I have the ability to step back, when I am cranky, depressed, hurtful to others, and look at myself and say "OK, where did you go wrong? What needs to change?"

I am pulling open a door inside my head. To a place: It's bursting with color, grief, fire, joy, pain.

And I open myself up, and just....revel...in the raw emotion.

 I let myself feel in there. There are  no walls guarding me. I am exposed and real and the truest I will ever be. I am honest.

When I write I am a vulnerable, yet unstoppable and intelligent. I have touched the world of souls and thoughts and emotions, things that I can't feel on my finger tips or hold in my arms. Something I can't buy.

I am heart pounding, I am grand worlds filled with incredible things.

I am quiet contentment, in all its fullness and flavor.

And when I need to, I close that door as much I can and focus on the rest of the world. I have a job, I have responsibilities and important people to be with. But that door... it's always open a crack, lighting up how I speak, what I do.  When I don't write, it does shut...almost all the way. And then things get dusty and boring and sleepy. 

When I write I can't do it fast enough. It's like my thoughts are a waterfall, and I am standing at the bottom, getting drenched. Catching only a fraction in a jar. I am aware of the other water racing by me, it's loud and wet and pelts me relentlessly. But for all of me, I can't catch it. And like a waterfall, it will never be the same way twice.

You who write will just get it.

It's why the artist paints. The reader reads. It why we create and build and brainstorm.

Being creative, putting together something, editing, and, in the case of a blog post, adding some pictures for interest, changing up fonts and word placings...it turns something on up there. It lights things up.

It is a gift to be fully enjoyed.  God gave us this. How dull things would be otherwise! 

So, go write.

Go wake up that delightful brain of yours, and write.

About whatever pops into your head at the moment.

About something you are struggling with.

About something you are thankful for.

About anything.

Who cares if anyone reads it? I try to keep that mentality when blogging:

I don't care if anyone reads it, I am just glad I wrote it.

(By the way when you guys do show that you have read it, it makes it that much more special. I do love getting responses.)