The Sluggard Attempts To Arise

In which I try to be accountable and live out my resolution.

January: Get up at 7 a.m. every morning.

Even on weekends. Which means, accordingly, that I should,*ahem* (guilty cough), go to bed earlier.

                 
I thought, in this open Journal of mine called a blog, that I would use it to become more accountable and scheduled...even if nobody reads it.There's that strong connection with other people again...even if it is just a bunch of imaginary readers who are going to hate my guts if I don't live up to my own standards.

It worked.

 I used it to help psych myself into getting up at seven every morning (Okay, not every morning), knowing that I would be writing this at the end of the month, telling how well I did. Or how terribly.

It is a little difficult to pull yourself out of bed when outside, it's cold and the sun has not even come close to showing its light yet. Ugg.

You turn of the alarm, remember all your resolutions and your new fire for life...and doze back to sleep, dreamily wondering what day it is. Four minutes later,  you groan and try to pull yourself out of bed...an effort which looks, disturbingly, very much something like this. Yeah.

I would pull myself out of those cozy sheets, stumble over to my awesome chair, pulling a blanket with me, and blink as I do some reading, turned my laptop on, and start writing my emails and blog posts. Not exactly a chipper start. I was, of course, picturing myself a bonnie lass who would jump up, grab some tea, do some stretches while listening to classical music, exercise,  and be all showered and cheerful and ready for breakfast by eight. HA.

But hey, I was physically out of bed. Aim high and start small, right?

The habit is started. It will get easier. It is all a part of becoming more disciplined, living productively, doing hard things.

Prov 6:6-11, Prov 13:4,  Prov 31:10-31. These verses are also my fuel for rising early. Go on. *friendly poke* Read 'em.

Why We Must Get Up Every Morning

in which is a change of my heart, and a change of lifestyle.

I have always thought I was a people-hater. Extreme introvert.  Lady hermit.

I never liked crowds, I'm not a huge fan of parties, large groups make me nervous, and actually, a tad bit panicky. "Oh man, so many people...deep breath...don't make a fool out of yourself. (Inwardly hyperventilates)."

Therefore, I must just hate people altogether, right?

Way, way wrong.

Throughout my entire teenager-hood, I firmly stuck to this belief with uncharacteristic, stone faced stubbornness. I am an introvert, guys. I just don't like people. Go away. I like my own company best. Or a book. A book is good. End. Of. Story.

Except not really.

True, I dislike small talk, pettiness, superficial behavior, flirting, immaturity, and overall fake-ness.

But people. I love people.

I shocked myself when I faced up to this.  Introversion was the screen I hid behind because getting to know people is painful. It is ridden with sin. It often always hurts. Because when I get to know a person, I want to know their ins and outs and struggles and beliefs and dreams. (blame it on the INFJ personality). I want to really know a person.  I need to connect with them on something. I hate small talk, but because I decided that I didn't like other people altogether, that's what I turned to, more frequently than I would like to admit. I was, to quote a friend, "in a mental prison of my own making."

I wrote this last spring, and when I went back a read it recently, it rang so true with what I am realizing now:

"I am so selfish. I don't care enough about other people and I am very unhappy with that fact. I feel very guilty about it.

Most of the time, when I show concern or care for others, it is not out of real, true honest care for them. It is because I want that attention and care directed back to me. As non-sociable as I may seem, I still have that very human desire to be loved, cared about and held dear, precious. To be wanted. And that selfish, sometimes desperate craving pushes its way, slyly, into how I treat others. I have concern for someone, only so they will show concern back. This can be on the shallow levels of having conversations with coworkers about humdrum life, to deeper interactions with my family.

Love..it's unconditional. It does not pretend to be all concerned about someones suffering, just so that that concern will be retaliated later.  That's not love. That's not the love that God has for us, that I now wish to have for others.

I want to look at others and instead of thinking:

"I wonder if they like me?"
"I hope they thought I was funny"
"Do they really care?"
"Did I impress them?"
"Do they think I am being stupid?"

I put my mind on a much better path. That one is not going to get me anywhere. I want to find the best in people, and, having as much love as God does, forgive the worst.*

I have the desire to look at another person and enjoy them to the full, their personality quirks, the things that makes them, them. to be amazed at talent, not jealous. To find little habits that are cute or funny. To appreciate anothers sensitivity or intelligence. When I observe another person, I want to remember that they are a fallen, sinful human being, just like me, who struggle with gargantuan human error. Why do I always judge them instead of connecting, with the fact that we are both just terrible people without God?

I 1 Corinthians 14, it says to pursue love. You have to work for it, try for it, pick it up, make it a habit, make a painful continuous effort to love. Instead, we all just want to meet up with all the people that we relate to, decide who we like, usually for selfish reasons, and call it friendship or love.

That is just not what I am going to settle for. With Gods help, I am going to pursue love. And I am not talking about romantic love.

I am saying I want too love people because God loved them, and are worth something to Him. 

He gave some of them great senses of humor; talent simple tingles in others.

 He gave some a naturally sweet and caring demeanor. 

Some have great beauty, some amazing intelligence. 

He made some able to care for others and others, the ability to create pretty mind blowing things.

I want to clap my hands as I watch it all and delight in others. Purely, cleanly, with nothing more behind it than that I really am in awe of so many wonderful ways a person can be unique.

I am going to open up a long shut, sensitive door and be concerned when another is hurting, to feel their pain with them. Because that's what Christ does, and I want to be more like Him.

I want my love to be raw and open, susceptible to hurt** because I care SO MUCH about others. I'll say it again..loving like God. And I think I am finding out how that love works. How much more in-comprehensive Gods love is.

I want to be able to unselfishly stay up all night with a brother or sister who is hurting, not because I feel morally obligated or it will impress others when I complain about it later, but because I want that person to be comforted, to not be lonely. I want to be able to disregard "me time" because there is someone out there who needs a hand and I know with all my heart that God sees them as precious and special, noteworthy and important. I don't want to give it second thought when someone asks me to give of my time and energy. I want menial, simple tasks to be the greatest joy and fulfillment and privilege, because looking good or being popular, impressing others, is not going to fill that void. I pray this is a step closer to woman God wants me to be."

 When I wonder why I bother to get up, to make an effort, to keep  going...I must remember.

I must remember that there are over six billion people out there right now, every single one of them in need of love and forgiveness...in need of God. They need care and a friendly smile, they need light and encouragement and help. How on earth could I get bored with life and wonder what the point is?

If I look beyond my own little world, which, granted, has plenty of ups and downs and frustrations and struggles, I will see that those struggles don't have to consume me.

I must pull past those struggles and pains, show others that I am a flailing mess too, take their hand, and say, "lets get through this together, the way God created it to be. I will fall, I will sin, I will forget about you, but I will stand back up, confess that I did it wrong, and remember you again."

 And again and again and again.

There are over six billion people. There are over six billion ways to share this love and strength and struggle.

Pick a few methods. Pick a few people. Stick to them. Pick more, the older you get, never get bored.

1 Cor 13. Matthew 22:38-39: This is my manifesto. 

I will never run out of reasons to get up. Or reasons to give up, either.

*I know there are several issues connected with this, such as correcting a brother...that loving him is to chastise him. That we cannot look over a fellow believers sin, because that would not be true love. That is another subject that I must tackle for myself, but one thing at a time. Remember the waterfall?

**This is not to say that I just trust anyone, tell them everything. Sin is rampant, and I must be careful. But I must not hate people...I must hate the sin.

Will Someone Kindly Yell At Me?

In which is a struggle and the start of the solution to it. I wrote this out late one night last week when I was feeling a little frustrated with myself.

Somebody whip me. Poke me with a cattle prod. Yell at me.

"I'm asking. Please. Because I need a driving force. I need a fire lit under me. I would do that myself, but I am simply at a loss of how to go about it.

I am marvelous plan-maker. No really, I excel at it. My life is going to be profound and I am going to be just...a pro at all sorts of things. I'm gonna be smart and have adorable, perfect babies and never be upset with my future husband and never get stressed out.

I am going to make a world changing difference in all the lives I meet. I'm gonna stay perfectly fit and earn extra money with all those ingenious ideas and various skills that I have. I'm going to be a published writer someday and play violin in big orchestras and live this life packed to the rafters with achievements.

Pfffft. Yeah. Right.

I seriously get my own heart rate going just thinking about all this awesome stuff I am going to do.

Key word: going.

After I have satisfactorily planned out my amazing life , I will then go take a nap, read a fictional adventure book,  eat a snack, watch a movie....and oh would you look at that it's time for bed. I'll have to start on the theology book tomorrow. It's way too late to practice music. Oh, and there'll be plenty of time this weekend to write letters to people...

Apparently, strong desire to be successful and rise above, is not strong enough.

Because the procrastination desire is a MONSTER."


So I am on a mission. To find something, to find a way of living, that makes me eager to get up in the morning. That keeps me going when I feel like giving up.

And at the same time, I know that is selfish. I am not to live for myself. I am to live for others. And that is my answer right there. 

Funny thing:
  In writing this, and looking back in my notebook at previous entries, I found the answer to the above written frustrations...which, believe me, were really dragging me down in the dumps of late.

So that purpose, that reason to jump out of bed in the morning...that is a whole other post. One that will probably be my most emotional and real and open...with myself, not to mention any who are reading this.

It has been a one woman revolution for me. And it's still happening.

 And it's all God.

12 Fun, Easy Things To do in 2015

In which we make some fun plans for the upcoming months...just because.

Even though I have a million (Ok, eight) blog post ideas that are halfway written down,

  I couldn't finish any of them in time for my self-inflicted Monday deadline. 

I spent my weekend doing...other things. Possibly unnecessary things, like planning an epic adventure novel, taking personality tests online with my family, and reading. Also there may have been some nephews and a particularly adorable neice that distracted me.

But anyway.

Instead of a wordy post, I thought up something quick and easy, but hopefully fun.

You may remember I made some simple new years resolutions. But I also wanted to make a list of fun things to do in 2015, because I am a epic list maker and a constant planner of many grand ideas. (the doing part, that's...another thing altogether).

Who am I kidding? It's a bucket list. So I'm cliche. Shoot me.

1. Take a picture everyday of your summer this year. Try to make each one different and unique.

(This one is because I am buying myself camera, hopefully this June. A nice camera.)

 

2. Go buy a gift for someone. For a surprise. To cheer them up. Wrap it up. Make it nice. Put some thought into it. Make sure it's someone who will never expect it when you give it to them.

3. Write out a whole chapter of the Bible by hand. I am doing Matthew six.

4. Dedicate a whole day where you are consciously going to be other oriented. Compliment others, show random acts of kindness, listen to them. I know, I know, we should do this everyday. But you know we don't. Really try for at least a day.

5. Go for a hike. At least once. You may be surprised at how refreshing and rewarding it is.

6. Reread a favorite book. (Or several. I'm reading all of The Chronicles of Narnia books again. It's been eight years)

7. Make your closet look professionally organized. (This one actually doubles with my April resolution.)

8. Write a letter. To a friend, to Grandparents, to your future self, to your future spouse. Pick one.

9. Find reasons to get up early and enjoy life. (Blog post(s) on this coming later)

10.  Read at least one book you have never read before. (Not sure yet what this is going to be)

11. Make breakfast for dinner. Because Pancakes.

12.Pray for your future spouse. At least once.

(all photo courtesy via pinterest.)