Friday, January 23, 2015

Will Someone Kindly Yell At Me?

In which is a struggle and the start of the solution to it. I wrote this out late one night last week when I was feeling a little frustrated with myself.

Somebody whip me. Poke me with a cattle prod. Yell at me.

"I'm asking. Please. Because I need a driving force. I need a fire lit under me. I would do that myself, but I am simply at a loss of how to go about it.

I am marvelous plan-maker. No really, I excel at it. My life is going to be profound and I am going to be just...a pro at all sorts of things. I'm gonna be smart and have adorable, perfect babies and never be upset with my future husband and never get stressed out.

I am going to make a world changing difference in all the lives I meet. I'm gonna stay perfectly fit and earn extra money with all those ingenious ideas and various skills that I have. I'm going to be a published writer someday and play violin in big orchestras and live this life packed to the rafters with achievements.

Pfffft. Yeah. Right.

I seriously get my own heart rate going just thinking about all this awesome stuff I am going to do.

Key word: going.

After I have satisfactorily planned out my amazing life , I will then go take a nap, read a fictional adventure book,  eat a snack, watch a movie....and oh would you look at that it's time for bed. I'll have to start on the theology book tomorrow. It's way too late to practice music. Oh, and there'll be plenty of time this weekend to write letters to people...

Apparently, strong desire to be successful and rise above, is not strong enough.

Because the procrastination desire is a MONSTER."

So I am on a mission. To find something, to find a way of living, that makes me eager to get up in the morning. That keeps me going when I feel like giving up.

And at the same time, I know that is selfish. I am not to live for myself. I am to live for others. And that is my answer right there. 

Funny thing:
  In writing this, and looking back in my notebook at previous entries, I found the answer to the above written frustrations...which, believe me, were really dragging me down in the dumps of late.

So that purpose, that reason to jump out of bed in the morning...that is a whole other post. One that will probably be my most emotional and real and open...with myself, not to mention any who are reading this.

It has been a one woman revolution for me. And it's still happening.

 And it's all God.

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