Ambition

In which I sheepishly admit:

There once was a girl who had SO much to write.

She was gonna pace herself and just do two articles a week.

HA.

And then she got lazy one day and decided she couldn't make time to do what she loved...write. And the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that, she was still too "busy".

(Ahem:
 Busy: Verb. That state in which someone decides they would much rather use their free time to read books, browse the Internet, read other blogs, and do other, slightly less taxing pastimes than writing. Yeah. Busy)

Meet yours truly, the Royal Queen of procrastination.

The every day, tired girly who smells like pizza...you're welcome?

Hi.

Apologies for the absence, and anyone who might have seen the funky chalkboard header I was experimenting with. *Shudders*. Not sure what I was thinking there.

Anyhoo.

Like with anything, anything, musician, athlete, dancer,  photographer, writer...we've got to keep up with what we do.

 Just do it. (Thanks Nike)

Don't stop. 

Don't let the muscle get stiff. Not if it's something  your passionate about  and really want to pursue. It's like our brains are all fired up to be the greatest at what we absolutely love...and our resolve is this pathetic little balloon that all to easily just kinda...deflates. With lots of whining and lame excuses. 

If you really love what it is you are trying to improve on or learn more about, forcing yourself to actually do it will be hard for like, the first 3 minutes. I promise.

Then...BAM.

"Oh, yeah, I love playing music. Writing unlocks the creative genius dancing around in there. Man, this is fun. I should do this all the time and just live in creative bliss!"

Ever think about how much a human being is actually capable of accomplishing in one days time?

A normal human being like you and me. We have, what, about 14 to 16 waking hours in a day?

I believe God created us with a lot more potential for productivity and passion, than the vast majority of us ever bother to unlock.

If you were the most productive version of yourself, how do you see your life going? What would you be doing differently if you were not hindered by procrastination and laziness(like me)?

Seriously, though, think about that one.

Mad World Mash Up

In which I mash up a song with outlooks on life...and then mash up outlooks on life.

All Around me are familiar faces,

Worn out places, 

Worn out faces,

Bright and early for their daily races 

Going nowhere,

Going....nowhere

 It's nothing really special or extraordinary when someone in their late teens or early twenties has widened the horizons of their mind and has started thinking about life and the world.

I mean, when you get past school, and all your clear set goals (high school, college or whatnot) have been completed, at some point you have to think about how you want to live your life, and how you should be living it.

And you know, I'm not really talking about the career that you may want to have or where you want to live, how much money you would like to earn. Or whether or not you want to get married, what kind of foods you'll eat, the type of ministries you would like to be involved in. Whether or not you will be a morning person or a night owl. No, that's not really what I'm getting at. To me, all that stuff is secondary.

You want to know what comes first? You've got to know how you are going to get through day to day, in and out, and what your attitude about your daily life is going to be.

Their tears are filling up their glasses

no expression, no expression

Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow 

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

We've got to find out, with Bibles in hand, how we are going to going to get through this life in our minds and souls.
 Because I could run around and "do" a million things, fill up my life with work to be done and books to read and people to minister to. I could cram in all sorts of stuff to keep me busy all my life, if I wanted to. But I could either hate every minute of it, survive every minute of it, or try to enjoy all of it, boring or busy as it may be.

It's like saying that whoever you marry, you could have two views about. You could say it's an amazing thing that you met the very person that you married, out of all the six billion people in the world, and you got to meet someone as special and unique and as perfect for you, as they are. You could just be thrilled that you get to marry someone like them, because there is no one out their in the world like that, and say wow thank you Lord I got to marry someone who matches up with my funny quirks and moods, this is so awesome!

Or, you could just kind of say that out of all the billions of people in the world, there are probably several out there who are compatible with you, so when you get married, you just found one of those many people who are compatible enough with you. And you get life done with them because you have to get life done. (FYI, I tend to like the first outlook a lot better. But I can see myself sliding into the second outlook, too)

I could either be the happy little housewife straight from the fifties, all frilly aprons and baking cookies and dressing up her little babies and hanging her clothes on the line in domestic bliss, budgeting and knitting and "nesting" with a fierce relish . Trust me, some days in life I get in a uncontrollable nesting mood. I bake those cookies with a vigor and it's glorious.

Or I could just clean the house because it must be done, and take the kids to the park because it's what people do, all the while torn between questions, my life literally seeming to pull at itself, tearing itself apart. For these questions always hang in my mind: Why does my life matter? How much does this life of mine matter? and because of that, How should I conduct my life? Can I look at it with joy?

I find it kind of funny,

I  find it kind of sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

 
If I believe I am saved by God, a God who loved me enough to send His son to die for me, than my life is eternal and precious. What I do, How I spend my time here on earth is thus very important, as I must use this time to further Gods kingdom. Everything I do, every action I take, (or don't take) is drastically important. After all, I am a child of God and it grieves this God when I am doing nothing the the life that He gave me, when I am mediocre, selfish, or lazy. Everything becomes hugely important and I have a high, (and scary) calling to always strive to be holier. Because on that day when I get called home, my deeds in christian life will have been held of great importance, and if my life be a disappointment, I can only equivalent the pain of that remorse and disappointment to the earth exploding inside my chest, fracturing out into an infinity of pieces and hurting all those around me. This is much pressure. This is high calling. This takes otherworldly discipline.

What about this:
I know I am saved by a grace so great that it keeps forgiving me. I see my life as minuscule. After all, if you look at things on a cosmic scale, one significant christian is not much to be considered. To God, a thousand years is like a day. Say I live to be 95. As long a time as that may seem to exist, it is nothing, nothing....a mere snippet in time. So all the  the hundreds of millions of things that I do...lifestyle, my job, my acts of kindness, my sinful acts of selfishness, what I do with my life, how productive it ends up being...well, all of that is just a blink to God. Should I take myself so seriously?

Or perhaps each of these views should be mashed together, and I should find a balance between them all.

Just thinking out loud, folks. 

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very very

mad world

mad world 

These are excerpts from a song called "Mad World", and while it is not a christian song, it speaks of a very real message of the emptiness of this world we keep running around and doing our daily races in. I love Jasmine Thompsons cover. So haunting and true. I think I've listened this one to death over the past couple weeks.

I wish I Had Smiled

In which: this happens to me all the time.

You are looking around the room,

 people watching. Your eyes dart from person to person, making an assessment of each one in turn, imagining what they are thinking, who they are looking at, and what their secret dreams are. All is going well until somebody's eyes turn suddenly, and they look back at you.

Your eyes meet for one millisecond, and then you blink hard. When your eyes open again, they are neatly focused on something else in the room and you have carefully kept your expression exactly the same. "They didn't even notice that I was looking their way", you think, trying to believe that you've just been awfully sly and clever. But all along you know that the one millisecond gave you away. You were just caught red-handed.

The more you think about it, the more you wish that you had not looked away. You wish you had simply smiled, in acknowledgement that you were both just caught staring at each other. Everyone looks around and spies on observes other people on occasion. There should be no shame in it. So why couldn't you have just smiled? Or winked? Or nodded a neat "hello, you've caught me looking at you, and isn't this amusing?"

But you didn't and now it's too late.

You feel a little embarrassed by your lack of honesty. And you go right on pretending that you never looked at them in the first place.

It happens to everyone.

(I can't take full credit for this little snippet. I got the idea from another blog a long time ago, who got it from someone else...yeah anyway.)

Don't Let Me Lose My Wonder

In which I list out some Eucharisteo.

Despite the fact that I struggle living in this world that God made,

 I know it's wonderful. It's amazing. The universe is beyond mind-boggling. Stars and galaxies are incredible. I know it.

 I just sometimes have a hard time living in the dimension where I  look at things with wide eyed wonder, and see these things instead as basic elements, mashed together, in different colors, with no reason to go out and see it, cause you know, it's all just 118 different types of stuff.  
The world, the universe is way more complicated and intricate than that.

 But instead, over and over, I get caught up in myself and my own woes and confusions. I get wrapped up in my own head, and the physical world outside me is this strange state of being right up against my skin while still being hollow and empty and millions of miles away.

 Why do people bother to go travel the world anyway? Water is water, wherever you go. Mountains and hills and plains and valleys are just dirt and rock. People are people. They eat and sleep and live for their own happiness, the world over. Are we in search of something new? Do you think you'll find it if you just wander around the earth? Why does this fill you with such happiness and wonder all the time, to look at mountain range or an ocean, or a waterfall, and sometimes I just can't seem to get out of my own head and enjoy anything?

Which is why I think it's time I listed some reasons for Eucharisteo. To remind myself that this crack in time I exist in can be pretty awesomely fantastic if I just let it.


41.Clear, Starry nights. The ones that make me feel small and insignificant and like a tiny, tiny speck. Like a microscopic piece of something beyond me, so beyond me that I can't comprehend it and I feel terrified and exposed. (Wait, she just said she likes feeling absolutely terrified? Yeah, in a weird scared curl-up-in-a-ball kind of way.)

42. Driving down the highway on said starry nights with the windows down (cold out or not) and the music cranked up to a point it probably shouldn't be. I finally get why my parents always enjoyed going out "just for a drive".  When you're the one at the wheel...power. It's the next best thing to...

43. Running. Or well, in my case, running and then jogging and then walking and then sprinting off again, as the mood takes you. When all the frustrations and unanswered questions and yes, absolute hopelessness comes to its peak, you will find me running it out (for hours), rain or shine. (I prefer rain because it generally matches my mood.)

SO ACCURATE.

44. A brother-in-law and big sister who are willing to stay up past 10:30 at night and talk with you about life. Even though they have to be up before the sun next morning and go to work and take care of three small children and live a crazy busy life. They made time for me. That's pretty special.

45. Said brother-in-law who knows the art of Eucharisteo. " Think about it, toes are so awesome, Jillian! and wood, wood is amazing! We can cut it up and put nails through it and yet it builds a great big house!" ( I'm not even kidding. He was giddy about toes, guys. Toes. And I can't find exhilaration in an ocean.)

46. The incredible chemical reaction that happens in our bodies when we see something cool or amazing or beautiful. We see an really neat view from a mountaintop, while feeling a cool breeze, smell that dirt and that air, feel that rain on our face, fill our lungs and our eyes with these things, and it triggers something in nervous system that starts a chain reaction. End result? Exhilaration and awe. If you stop to think about it, that's pretty wondrous.

47. The beating of a physical heart. I have this strange fascination with heartbeats, guys. I like to put my hands on my little niece and nephews chest and feel their thumping. When my music teacher told me to use my heartbeat as a metronome, the coolest thing happened. You have to be really quiet, listen to your heart thumping in your chest for a moment, and then play your song in time with that, keep beat with your own heart, whenever it speeds up or slows down. If you are musician, please, try this a few times. Its magnificent.

48. Consequently, this poem is one of my favorites:

I feel a little better now. I know I will get wrapped up in my own head and my own worries again...and I'll think of more blessings again. Perhaps my life will not always be this endless cycle of despair and then remembering all the reasons why not to despair. then again, maybe it will. But at least I have these blessings to hold on to. God did give me blessings, despite everything else that gets dished out that I don't understand.

Selfish

In which I think about selfishness and contentment.

The view from my bedroom window ya'll.

 Do you ever get told that you need to find your contentment and joy in God before anything else?

If your a christian, then I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you've been told this...

A LOT.

The way I look at it, there are two different categories of being content.

 The physical: you know, the money and houses and buildings and cars and computers and decorations and furniture and and everything material that turns to dust eventually on this spinning globe;

...and the metaphysical. The things like love, people's affection and friendship, belief in God, peace of heart and soul, faith, happiness.

What yours truly looks like 60% of the time. Tucked in her room, with her laptop and her headphones and her books. Not smiling. sorry. Who has a smile plastered on there face when they're doing school anyway? Not me.

Growing up christian, church every Sunday since I was a baby, befriending people with conservative standards...this ensured that from Sunday school age that I was steeped in the message that, "God is enough, and we shouldn't want other peoples toys because that is coveting and we aren't supposed to do that. Stuff isn't important, kids." And later..."don't pursue riches, don't worry about what your going to eat, what you are going to wear, look at the lilies of the field." 

Okay. Got it. Thank you. 

    My issue isn't that physical stuff...if it came down to that I could be pretty easily pleased. Honestly, I think I could care less if I lived the rest of my life in an RV park, working the local breakfast cafe and living off frozen pizza and PB&J sandwiches.

What it always always looks like next to my bed... lets see, Bible, three or four apologetics/theologish books, a couple notebooks, a couple fictional books, a free grace broadcaster...I think I'm half way through like, um, all of them. 

After all, a library membership is still free, so as long as I had wifi and hot water....I'd be good to go. I can see it now...me, 25, working six mornings a week, always driving a car that's at least twelve years old, coming home to a tiny trailer with a cat or two, reading any good book I could get my hands on, writing books that will never get published, playing/listening to music, watching some movies and TV shows, and jogging on the weekends after church.

If that's all there was to life, then I'd be a pretty happy camper.  I am blessed with a lot of awesome "stuff" right now. (See above references to books and music) But as cool as I think some of this stuff is...I know its really empty. I know it's dust in the end, and that my happiness can't rest on it.

Its the other kind of contentment that I go "rounds in the ring with", so to speak.

Me: Hey, I should take a selfie of what I usually look like! Make a cute face! Ummmm...never mind maybe I should just go back to writing blog posts and doing school. Apparently, I have not mastered the art of the selfie face. I think that's a good thing though.

 Weirdly, in conversations with a few people that I have had recently, they all asked me the same question, unbeknownst to each other that they were all asking it:

What do you want, Jillian? What do you want your life to look like?

Blink. Blink. Blank stare.

 "I...I dunno. I thought it was up to God to decide that. I thought it wasn't supposed to be about what I want. What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you want to do with the life God has given you? Do you want to just play violin all the time and read books and take taekwondo?  Do you want to just get married and have babies?  Do you think you might want to be a missionary?"

"Well...maybe. I mean, yeah, all of that...that would be great. But none of it's really that important if I  don't know who God is, who I am in relation to God, if I don't know what my faith is, if I don't know what I stand for, if I can't understand why God does what He does. I gotta know that first."

Let me tell you,  I've been a professing christian since I was seven, a real, baptized, heart-changed christian when I was twelve, but despite all that...here, now, I realize that my faith was more just my parents than my own. That's what happens when you grow up in a Christian home. Not that that's a bad thing...but its like becoming a christian all over again, when you really think through a plethora of subjects for yourself.

 If you grew up in a christian home too, I think this will really resonate with you. You just believed what you believed and did what you did because that's what mom and dad believe and this is what they say is right and that was enough. Life was good. Let Mommy and Daddy figure out the problems, and then tell you what to do. That was, actually, pretty easy.

And then, at some point, you find out that you must believe it for yourself. You have to hold your Christianity in your own two hands and become convicted of things in your own burning heart, while your parents stand just a little to the side and watch while you and God have it out. They are there, and you are still going to go to them first with all those millions of questions that you have, but they are not God.  They admit themselves that they are human and don't have all the answers.

For someone who never really rested on God but on their parents, this shatters your safe little world.
Holding your convictions in your hands because YOU are convicted of them...it's a hot coal. It burns. It stings. You want to throw it back. It's too much responsibility. You freak out because it turns out all along, you had no idea what your idea of God was.

So, to tie it all together, this is what I want: I want to find my contentment in God, to solidify my shaky faith in Him, to once more find my joy in Him.

Life is empty otherwise. I am stuck there, right now, unable to move into anything with any kind of passion or surety, because I don't stand on anything solid yet. No way could I become a missionary or get married or have kids or minister to others when I have not found my own contentment yet.

 After that, I can move on with life, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I am and whatever I have, the emptiness that is always in my heart can be filled by Him and no other. Not my parents, not my future husband, not my future children. Not my stuff.

I am being selfish. But I HAVE to get this done first. First Comes God, then comes me and God, and then once I have that established, this relationship of "me and God" sheds a light on everything else.

Oh hey look! A real smile.

You Can't Tell Anyone

In which is, another quote.

I'll be back to writing soon. I see a light at the end of the tunnel with my classes...please don't go away.

This is Where I Thrive

In which I give you another quote. I am feeling quite poetic today. Deal with it.

Here's a jaw-dropper for you...I am female, therefore I am emotional.

No way, right? Betcha you never would have guessed.

My older sister told me a few weeks ago: "You know Jillian, I've been reading your blog, and you are really good at portraying feeling." (Thank you, sis, by the way. I treasure those little compliments)

And because I am emotional and so much of what I write has to do with all those feelings, I think it tends to look a little...mushy? Sappy? Melodramatic?

Sometimes I genuinely fear it's overdone. "Oh dear, am I being too sentimental? Will they think it's overkill?  Am I a literary drama queen?"

One of these days, I keep telling myself, I need to buckle down and seriously write some good, sound, theological arguments on all my beliefs on God and not make it so flowery and tender and, well...emotional. It needs to be all boxed together and organized, with a generous sprinkling of" therefores' " and "herebys' ". It might even need to seem a little boring and dry. It needs to be grown up and serious, and for Pete's sake, lose all the italic emphasis' on everything!

Sometimes I honestly think, "Why can't I write more like a well educated pastor in his fifties?" All calm arguments and logical articles on things. Besides the fact that, duh, a twenty year old female is about the farthest thing from a pastor in his fifties, I genuinely convice myself sometimes that that's what my writing style should be more like.

In a word, things should be a little more....stable.

But really...I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry folks, but I believe I will always write from the emotional roller coaster of female viewpoint. (Ooh, another shocker, right?)

Maybe it's too emotional. Maybe it's too tender. Too feminine or overdone. Maybe a little immature, wide eyed, idealistic. Perhaps it does focus too much on love and happiness and wistful thinking.

But when that is who I am, how God created me, and where I am at, how can it be anything else?

 I'm not saying its right or wrong...maybe its right, maybe its very wrong.

It is what it is. God help me if that is not what it should be.

Every so slightly unrelated, I found a quote that perfectly sums up those feelings of the past few weeks that I have been writing about. Please. Enjoy.

"Sure. I'll make small talk. Discuss the ins and outs of a 'typical' day. Pass the time lightly. Say tiny things. I'm happy to tread surfaces with a smile, and will. Sometimes. Yet-when I look at you, I know there are layers.

 Dimensions. 

Collections of ancient wisdom.

 Stories on stories. 

Core needs. 

Humanness. 

 This is where I light up. This is where I thrive. You can't be caged up in a pool for long. Not when you are someone who wants oceans." -Victoria Erickson

Fragments of the Battle

In which are rather random and unorganized thoughts on the extraordinary life.

If you have read more than one or two of any of my past posts, you'll probably see a trend:

She wants to make a difference, she knows small changes, little things, are important. She knows she can't do that whole change the world thing on her own.

You wanna to know why I always seem to harp on this whole "change the world in little ways" thing? Drum roll...I struggle with the every day, with the small things. When something doesn't seem to have point, when it seems it's a waste of time, when I go out in the world, observe the people, driving in their cars, busy doing all their things, and its all material and I can't connect with them, it frustrates me. immensely.

Wait...we are talking about Jillian here, right? The girl who loves her little blessings and the simple life and the mundane tasks? The girl who does the normal things with joy and fulfillment? Who realizes that the everyday things at her fingertips are actually mind boggling? 

I thought all she wanted to do was write, read books, get married, and love people?

But you see, that's why she writes about the small stuff so much. Because she is trying, with Gods help, to embrace it.

I picture this: A woman who diligently does the extraordinary. All the the people she connects with, she touches in an unforgettable, fresh way, she leaves them with a slightly changed life. The type of person who, after you have a conversation with her, leaves behind traces of hope and strength the greatest of all...unconditional love.

She lives a life that is bustling with people, that sings of a job well done. Every thing she does, she throws herself into recklessly. She gives everything. She connects with people, does her level best to understand them. She realizes how blessed she is by God, how much God gave her, how much of a change God has made in her life, inward and outward. She lives those changes daily.  She decides she is willing to die for her family, if the need ever arose.

 Each moment is experienced to its fullest, dreams and thoughts are realized, blessings given and taken, joy comes from pain. Times of solemn reflection, even torturous, philosophical thoughts on God and Satan and the world and how everything relates. An ever passionate feeling, always excited for the amazing things that are going to come.  Everything she does has a purpose, has a goal to make improvement, somewhere on earth. She wants to burn bright, burn strong, stand out, give others everything. It is a life that could be set to This type of music.

Why can't I be an extraordinary girl in a broken world? Why can't I live the epic saga of life?
I fear boredom. I fear getting tired of this life, of the people in it. That is selfish. I do not want to be that selfish, so consequently, I should  afraid of the mundane, right? Because I should not be thinking of myself.

I know, even though I does not like it, that the way to live extraordinarily is to live the ordinary. To run the errands and babysit the kids and clean the house...even though it seems so... material. So tiresome. Pointless. Repetitive. But it has it's place, it's purpose. Perhaps that purpose is solely to be content with what I have.

I realize I am not special in this area. We all crave grandness. Why else do we, as humans, gobble up stories and movies and music that play with and pull on our emotions, and always wish for life to be more, well, grand? (On a side note, is it not grand that we have such a full and deep range of emotions?)


"...I'll struggle on, inspired that God has called me to this life -- not even this life in particular but to life in general. The life of creativity, of love, of beauty, of holiness -- and all of that at a high price of discipline". Bailey, MHJ

Commission: Transform

In which I give you one of my favorite things.

 Time for a little math: 

Jillian+weekend+busy+sick=No blog post.

 Technically, that's not altogether true because this is a blog post...but it's something I promised myself I would not do too often...stick up a favorite quote and not write anything original.

 I was going to list all the things I have on my plate right now, but that seemed...kind of like a teenagers Facebook post where they are trying to complain/brag at the same time. Ick (Inwardly gags).  May it never be. (Too late. I now realize that's what last Mondays post had in it. Sorry. No really, I apologize.)

 You might be seeing a few of these "unoriginal" little posts over the next few weeks. But really, this is a beautiful quote,and although its missing any references to God or the christian life, the great commission is what I have in mind when I read it. I pray it inspires you like it does me:

People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world. They hold to the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they  are satisfied with small changes. 

Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world. People who want to make a difference get frustrated along the way but if they have a particularly stressful day, they don't quite, they keep going. Given their accomplishments, most of them are shockingly normal and the way they spend each day can be quite mundane. 

They don't teach grand lessons that suddenly enlighten entire communities, they teach small lessons that can bring incremental improvement to one man or woman, boy or girl. They don't do anything to call attention to themselves, they simply pay attention to the everyday needs of others if its only one person. 

They bring change in ways most people will never read about or applaud. And because of the way these changers wired, they wouldn't think about living their lives any other way. 

Beth Clark, Kisses From Katie

Single And...Well, Sorry

In which, trying to find joy in my solitude, I struggle.
 (Written in the shadow of Valentines day. No, of course it's not a coincidence. Pfft. Don't be silly)

So funny thing: I wrote this resolve about being really happy and single.

I said I was so grateful that I was not married.

After I wrote that, it was as if God gave a knowing nod of His head and said: "Okay, lets test that one. Are you really happy and single?" 

It probably hasn't helped that I have been reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed", a book of his thoughts after his beloved wife died of cancer. It is an absolutely beautiful picture of two people whose minds met, whose souls touched, whose intellects sparked each-other, and they experienced the merging of two christian souls, a connection far beyond the physical. (Do go read it. It's very sad but it is worth it)

 Lewis wrote many analogies of what it felt like to have her gone: A ship without it's starboard side, a man with his leg cut off, who continually feels the phantom pain, an entire half of who he was, something that had locked together and merged with him, ripped away. He questioned his own belief in the sovereignty and goodness of God.

Perhaps it is a silly fantasy of mine, but I felt like I could relate to Lewis. I simply stand on the other side of that problem... I have not connected with whoever my soul mate is yet. I don't feel whole. Somethings not complete. I am missing a huge key piece of what my life is going to be. Some days, that phantom pain of something I have not even known yet, really screams at me.

So am I chugging along, waiting for that other human being, whoever he is, to come and merge with me, to feel whole?

 Or, is this me, coming closer to being content with Gods love alone?

But if God created me to be a married person, to become someones other half, than is it not as it should be, to feel incomplete?
(You know, right? In Genesis? it was it not good that man was alone? So of course it's not good for woman to be alone either. Duh*)

Perhaps, then, I should just try to shelve this longing, instead of trying to get rid of it, shelve it up high and as out of reach as humanly possible, until the time is right and I can pull it out, and enjoy it in all its fullness. Can I tuck it away for now? 

I turn once more to my handy notebook filled with past thoughts:

"In a recent conversation with a wise older man, he told me how his son is a mountain guide. His son will take people into the mountains, into the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, they get snowed in, stuck, up in the wilderness. Some people get very worried and they feel like they have to get back to civilization at the time they set in there minds. Everything becomes an emergency, stressful, filled with anxiety. 

Others, they look around and see it as an adventure, something to sit back and watch, enjoying each new and unexpected thing. They see the problems as challenges to take on and overcome. The urgent emergency became a grand adventure to wonder at and have good memories of. 

The man who was telling me this story was talking in regards to my being single. I loved this, and it has come to my mind multiple times since then. 

As I think about all the things little, big, important, all the enjoyable and the terrible, it comes to mind:

An adventure, Jillian. Enjoy every single minute."

Even the struggles I have with vast and ridiculous self consciousness, the aching to be one with someone else, the ups and downs, the overwhelming desire to tell myself I am just not good enough to do anything, dealing with the mundane things in life, and all the times I question myself and  my God, they are a challenge that sharpens me, not just a depressing problem to deal with.

*It sounds like I am contradicting my last post on singleness, right? In no way. I still hold to everything I stated, more then ever. But I had to be honest about the struggle. This is my challenge right now. This is my adventure. How will it end? The saga will continue, I'm sure. Happy Valentines day, by the way.

When We Feel Like Going Insane

In which we find hope, relief, maybe even contentment and joy, on the bad days.

I learned a new term recently: Facefloor. Like facepalm only, times fifty, and just...way more accurate. 

That feeling when your day/week/month/year okay life... has been too frustrating or people too hurtful and your brain-won't-rest-and-you're-bored-but-there's-too-much-to-do-and-its-all-hopeless-and-muddled. There is, simultaneously, too much to think about and not enough to occupy your mind. And it's driving you nuts and  you don't know how to cope.

Or maybe I'm the only one who gets that slightly crazed, I'm gonna scream feeling where you wish you were doing great things, lack the drive to do them, but feel like life is completely empty and pointless unless you are living every minute to its full potential, running around doing everything you can to change all the bad and put more good into the world. Because, hello, I'm a Christian and I've got to do my part to carry out the great commission or else I will be a total failure as a redeemed human being.

 There are opportunities...people who are asking you for time and help...but it's really complicated and you don't know what to say or do most of the time. So the ending desire is, as stated, to just put your face to the floor. Or bang it against a wall, letting said face stay there. And groan and whimper like a little puppy. And then, if you're like me, probably cry.

Aaaaaand then get mad at yourself for having a selfish little pity party.

It's kinda brutal, guys.

So, over this weekend, I have made a list on how I get relief from the labyrinth of my own troubled thoughts, to quiet that worrisome fire...and maybe even be calm again.

There is, perhaps, better ways to go about doing this. It may not have the same effect on other people as they do on me. Hey, it might not even be all that wise.

I could probably do an extensive study in the Bible for times like this. I fact I probably should. Then I get to thinking about all the subjects I really ought to delve into scripture with and schoooom...I'm off into that whirlwind thinking maze again. Too much, too much to process...

But this is what I came up with. This is what soothes my soul. Take it or leave it. Use it or laugh at it. I don't care. It's patched together. It's not going to fix my life. It's not a remedy for all problems. There is more to it. If I had months to work this out, I would probably come up with more studied, profound ways to deal with my own issues. In fact, I might just do that months from now.  I will most likely look back at this particular post and wonder what on earth I was trying to get across.

This also doubles as another reasons for Eucharisteo entry. This particular list just has a specific focus today. Here goes:

26. The very ability to look around and be thankful for blessings, Be they large or very small. It is a blessing in and of itself.  It is, perhaps, difficult to do at times...

27...Last Thursday I was out doing errands with my Mum, sitting in the car worrying, thinking, mulling over people, possible situations, past hurts, future problems. But stop. The sky was crystal clear blue, and it was sunny and unusually warm. That sun was reflecting off the snow on the mountains, making it such a brilliant day. Which got me to thinking...

28. How truly awesome it is. Little atoms, the electrons and neutrons floating around...

29...Each one is a microscopic building block for air and snow and the sun's heat.

30. How we have the ozone layer, protecting us from harm, but letting through the light that we need...

31. Millions of factors making the sky that glorious blue.

32. And there are billions and billions of these things going on, those atoms connecting, stacking, exchanging, moving. I can't even wrap my head around all that constant, bustling activity and infinite order, on a global scale...much less a galactic one.

33. It's all bursting, swelling with life and discoveries. It's noisy and busy and chaotic yet organized.

34.  And I am minuscule. I am a tiny, little, fragmented part of it all. I understand so little of it all. But I have the ability to understand that I can't understand it all. (did you hear that? That was my mind exploding)

35. This post...and especially this quote from it: "..This is about more than thankfulness—this is about finding delight in things that ride the edge of awful and awesome (like the first snowfall). If you’ve got the choice to hate it or love it, try loving it."

36. Realizing that we do not have to always feel sublimely happy or perfectly at peace. It is an unachievable thing, to be the perfect christian, who is always on a spiritual high and always ready with an answer for every conceivable question about their faith, who always knows how to help a friend who is hurting or struggling with something. Sometimes, so it seems, we have got to just slog through it all the best we can, holding on to God and His word with a white-knuckled death grip.

37. Remembering that since we are so minuscule, the world is not going to end when we go nuts. Granted, our world may seem like it is going to fall to pieces some days...shredded apart by discouragement and sin and grief and misery and hurt and I-could-keep-going...but life goes on. Come out the better person after it all. Easier said then done, I know. Trust me, I know.

38. The ability to sometimes, shut down all these stressful thoughts, fold up the crazy mind-map, and just focus on something simple. Like a movie. Or a board game. Or a walk outside. A book.  Hallelujah amen praise the Lord for the capacity to just zone out. You have no idea.

39. Of course, reading my Bible is always a blessing. I can find scriptures, perhaps ones that I did not expect, that put my mind at rest. Like Titus 3:4-7.

40. Having My hope in God, and not in man.