Distinct: How It Shows

In which I get mad, mention "soul distinction", and divide the whole world into just two groups.

Boys and girls, this is a short tale about the time a generation forgot...

 they forgot what they are to be about. And I mean the Christian kids. The awkward, lovingly sheltered, semi-socialized goofs I so happily grew up with, in all the churches I rotated through as a child/teenager. At large, something definitely morphed. Almost all over the place.

I got upset.  

Wha...what happened, guys? When did we decide that our social rankings and entertainment and material gratification were what we were most important?!  When did we say that we were simply happy to be forgiven and then not live in utter gratitude of that forgiveness? (when I say I get upset, this means I got really mad in private and huffily wrote out my feelings in a notebook a midnight. I don't think I could yell at my friends if they were trying to kill me.)

When I say "at large" I mean there still those who can be found, scattered among all the others, who still want to hold tight to a faith, God, something deeper. Even these are hard to spot, because they have the immense difficulty of holding on to something everyone else seems to take so lightly.

Rewind only six or seven years. We looked different. We stuck out. A lot. Like sore thumbs. We were pretty proud of it, too. Our speech, our actions, our dress, how we spent our free time.We were the good kids, and we were special.

Okay, this attitude really had it's flaws. We stuck up our noses a little to much. Anything our parents said was worldly, we took to the next step, snubbing it, seeing anything mom and dad said was bad, as absolute filth.(Not to say their isn't filth to be snubbed in this world. Golly this subject is hard to balance.)

I'm gonna make somebody mad...but to a degree, I think we stuck our noses so high in the air because that worldliness appealed to all of us on some level or another. We knew it was bad, we knew we would get in trouble if we tried it. But somewhere in those brains of ours, I know things appealed to us. "Ok it's vain but I sure wouldn't mind trying to be prettier. It's selfish, but it would be nice to be rich. It's lazy, but some of those video games look pretty fun."

How could I have the audacity to make a blanket statement: that all super conservative kids secretly, almost subconsciously want to be less conservative? Because we are fallen human beings, naturally selfish and all bent towards desire and gratification.

We're sinners. It's kinda what we do.

One of my favorite quotes ever? "Be in the world and not of it."

I am immersed in this world. In its people, its music, its beliefs, its griefs and sorrows, its moralities and immoralities, its media and styles. It swarms all around me, up against my skin, in my face, screaming in my ears.  Some days I feel like I am drowning in it. (Love the feel of this artwork)

While I am guilty of the very human habit of trying to equate material things with a non-material longing, I count myself as one of those who watched as more than a few of my friends kinda...melted...into the self gratifying masses of the world. It was slow,  they still seem to have "morals" but somewhere in there, the core attitude/focus changed. You could tell, not necessarily by how they dressed or looked, but definitely by how they acted and what they wanted to talk about.

If I were to be in a crowded room, full of people, at first glance, I would look no different. Jeans, t-shirt. The styles of this world have stuck to me. I don't look like I'm from the 1800s. I don't act like it. I even wear converse sneakers and makeup. *gasp*

But, if someone bothers to talk to me, I want them, Lord willing, to see this: I look like you and talk like you, but I am not all caught up in this material world that I am a part of. There should be spirit and a soul that leaks even into my surface level conversations, that shines through the cracks of my otherwise "normal" personae.

Those who struggle hold on to a real faith, to really make it their own, may change from their parents standards somewhat.  But they are trying to get doctrines grounded and find a purpose, not trying to get what will make them supposedly happy, or satisfied.

On one of my frequent "notebook episodes", I scribbled out a perspective I now realize have almost subconsciously developed when I look at every single person I see:

"Two groups: the ones who are ultimately absorbed with self, and how self does in life. Self wants love, acceptance, attention, they want to "live": that must mean those vacations, the whimsical BBQs and lake parties, complete with cold beverages, games, and cute clothes. Its movies, shows, entertainment. Playing with emotions and hormones. It turns to trends, some of which are pretty cool. But it's basic, almost animal desire for physical and sensual gratification on one level or another.

Then there are those of us who will separate what's a blessing to be enjoyed and what is trash that shouldn't be obsessed over. We struggle to see how other people can be so easily absorbed and satisfied with stuff that turns to dust in the end, pleasures that really do fade, and social standings that are as empty as a balloon.  Its not just that we snub that level of shallowness, we don't understand how others can be so utterly obsessed with pointless things.  We just don't get it."

So please, think...are you distinct anymore? Has your focus changed? What is your purpose?

Me? I'm still struggling with finding my exact identity and faith in God. Those questions are still bothering me, big time. But I know I don't want my identity in this material world, in physical desires. There is something more. This distinction will show. And it's not necessarily an in your face kind of distinction. It bleeds, like ink, through the paper of your soul.

Mad World Mash Up

In which I mash up a song with outlooks on life...and then mash up outlooks on life.

All Around me are familiar faces,

Worn out places, 

Worn out faces,

Bright and early for their daily races 

Going nowhere,

Going....nowhere

 It's nothing really special or extraordinary when someone in their late teens or early twenties has widened the horizons of their mind and has started thinking about life and the world.

I mean, when you get past school, and all your clear set goals (high school, college or whatnot) have been completed, at some point you have to think about how you want to live your life, and how you should be living it.

And you know, I'm not really talking about the career that you may want to have or where you want to live, how much money you would like to earn. Or whether or not you want to get married, what kind of foods you'll eat, the type of ministries you would like to be involved in. Whether or not you will be a morning person or a night owl. No, that's not really what I'm getting at. To me, all that stuff is secondary.

You want to know what comes first? You've got to know how you are going to get through day to day, in and out, and what your attitude about your daily life is going to be.

Their tears are filling up their glasses

no expression, no expression

Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow 

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

We've got to find out, with Bibles in hand, how we are going to going to get through this life in our minds and souls.
 Because I could run around and "do" a million things, fill up my life with work to be done and books to read and people to minister to. I could cram in all sorts of stuff to keep me busy all my life, if I wanted to. But I could either hate every minute of it, survive every minute of it, or try to enjoy all of it, boring or busy as it may be.

It's like saying that whoever you marry, you could have two views about. You could say it's an amazing thing that you met the very person that you married, out of all the six billion people in the world, and you got to meet someone as special and unique and as perfect for you, as they are. You could just be thrilled that you get to marry someone like them, because there is no one out their in the world like that, and say wow thank you Lord I got to marry someone who matches up with my funny quirks and moods, this is so awesome!

Or, you could just kind of say that out of all the billions of people in the world, there are probably several out there who are compatible with you, so when you get married, you just found one of those many people who are compatible enough with you. And you get life done with them because you have to get life done. (FYI, I tend to like the first outlook a lot better. But I can see myself sliding into the second outlook, too)

I could either be the happy little housewife straight from the fifties, all frilly aprons and baking cookies and dressing up her little babies and hanging her clothes on the line in domestic bliss, budgeting and knitting and "nesting" with a fierce relish . Trust me, some days in life I get in a uncontrollable nesting mood. I bake those cookies with a vigor and it's glorious.

Or I could just clean the house because it must be done, and take the kids to the park because it's what people do, all the while torn between questions, my life literally seeming to pull at itself, tearing itself apart. For these questions always hang in my mind: Why does my life matter? How much does this life of mine matter? and because of that, How should I conduct my life? Can I look at it with joy?

I find it kind of funny,

I  find it kind of sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

 
If I believe I am saved by God, a God who loved me enough to send His son to die for me, than my life is eternal and precious. What I do, How I spend my time here on earth is thus very important, as I must use this time to further Gods kingdom. Everything I do, every action I take, (or don't take) is drastically important. After all, I am a child of God and it grieves this God when I am doing nothing the the life that He gave me, when I am mediocre, selfish, or lazy. Everything becomes hugely important and I have a high, (and scary) calling to always strive to be holier. Because on that day when I get called home, my deeds in christian life will have been held of great importance, and if my life be a disappointment, I can only equivalent the pain of that remorse and disappointment to the earth exploding inside my chest, fracturing out into an infinity of pieces and hurting all those around me. This is much pressure. This is high calling. This takes otherworldly discipline.

What about this:
I know I am saved by a grace so great that it keeps forgiving me. I see my life as minuscule. After all, if you look at things on a cosmic scale, one significant christian is not much to be considered. To God, a thousand years is like a day. Say I live to be 95. As long a time as that may seem to exist, it is nothing, nothing....a mere snippet in time. So all the  the hundreds of millions of things that I do...lifestyle, my job, my acts of kindness, my sinful acts of selfishness, what I do with my life, how productive it ends up being...well, all of that is just a blink to God. Should I take myself so seriously?

Or perhaps each of these views should be mashed together, and I should find a balance between them all.

Just thinking out loud, folks. 

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very very

mad world

mad world 

These are excerpts from a song called "Mad World", and while it is not a christian song, it speaks of a very real message of the emptiness of this world we keep running around and doing our daily races in. I love Jasmine Thompsons cover. So haunting and true. I think I've listened this one to death over the past couple weeks.

I See it Now

This Child

In which we talk about screaming children and the sovereignty of God.

My parents did this really cool thing.

They gave each of their kids full names a special meaning. Jillian means "childlike". Put that together with my middle name, Faith, and you have...childlike faith.  Faith like a child has in their parents.

Think of any little kid you know. Or better yet, you, when you were just a wee tot.

A child does not ask questions. They don't care about the world. If they know that Daddy loves them, and that they are safe and fed and happy, nothing else matters to them. All is right with their world. New sights, new sounds, the process of learning all sorts of amazing things...when they have this trust and safety, growing up and discovering things is a fun, incredible, and joy filled journey. Their world is full. And usually, children don't ask...they just know that they are safe.

That's the faith we are supposed to have in our heavenly Father*. This child, though, despite the fact that she has been given that special name, is wrestling immensely with having that faith.

It's as if me, the little child, suddenly stopped snuggling safely against her heavenly fathers chest, pushed away, and said,

 "Wait, Daddy, hold on. Why should I trust you? Are you controlling everything I do? Why do you do everything that you do?

 Yeah, you created me. But once was born, did you decide what I was going do for every millisecond of my entire life? Did you timeline all the times I was going to disobey you and sin against you? Father, that doesn't make sense. If you decided all the times I was going to sin, why does that Bible say that it grieves and angers you when I sin*?  So you can't be all powerful, in the way that I thought you were. So should my trust be more of a trust that even though You are not all powerful, to that extent, you are more all powerful and all knowing that I am? I don't know if I can do that, Father. Can I just trust that you know what you're doing better than I do? Is that enough?"

Then it's as if me, still that worried little child, slid down from her fathers lap and started anxiously pacing the floor, arms folded, brow furrowed in concern:

Father, why did you even bring me into this world? What was the point? Why, why would you condemn some people to hell if you say that you loved the world?  It's as if you created some people for eternal suffering. That's twisted. That can't be right!

 Father, I can't have peace, or joy, or enjoy life anymore until I know why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I HAVE to know! Yes, yes, I know about the scriptures and the great commission* and the commandments*. I've heard those ones since before I can even remember. But I can't go out and share about your love if I'm not sure of it myself!  It doesn't make sense, Father!

Then, this little child starts taking short, quick, panicked breaths: " Why are you doing all this? Proof, Father, show me I can trust you!"

The child (A.k.a me) then slumps to the floor, dissolving in tears  and screaming "I want to trust you! You have a plan but I'm not seeing how it makes any sense!"

At this point, I'd imagine most earthly fathers would gently scoop that child back into their arms, and comfort and soothe them until they calmed down, most likely falling asleep in his arms while he whispers, "its going to be alright. You can't understand, you don't have the ability to, so just trust me and you'll see in the end how everything works."

But, my fears being what they are, I would push away once more going "no, no, that's not good enough:

Why. Should. I. Trust. You?"

 And well, we are back where started, and the questions and the panicking begin all over again.

"I can't read my books and learn my lessons and eat my food and enjoy all the gifts of everyday life that you gave me with anything but a sense of emptiness. I don't feel safe anymore.  I can't talk and "play" with my brothers and sisters and enjoy their sweet company like I used to be able to. I can't do anything anymore with out this thought bombarding me, everywhere I turn."

Is it enough? To just trust that God, even though he may not be as Sovereign as I once thought He was, Is more sovereign than me, so therefore whom else should I trust?

Some days, it feels like I trust in God and hold on to Christianity simply because I have to. Life would be pointless without a God and I would go bananas without a point and purpose, so I just believe  because I need a point. Not good enough, I know.

 Soon, I hope, I can piece this shattered faith back into something stronger than it was before. Even if it takes looking up the word Faith in the Exhaustive concordance and reading every single reference.

*Psalm 131
*Old Testament...Gods anger with his people.
*Matt 28:19-20, Mark 16:15-16
*Matt 19:18-19

Selfish

In which I think about selfishness and contentment.

The view from my bedroom window ya'll.

 Do you ever get told that you need to find your contentment and joy in God before anything else?

If your a christian, then I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you've been told this...

A LOT.

The way I look at it, there are two different categories of being content.

 The physical: you know, the money and houses and buildings and cars and computers and decorations and furniture and and everything material that turns to dust eventually on this spinning globe;

...and the metaphysical. The things like love, people's affection and friendship, belief in God, peace of heart and soul, faith, happiness.

What yours truly looks like 60% of the time. Tucked in her room, with her laptop and her headphones and her books. Not smiling. sorry. Who has a smile plastered on there face when they're doing school anyway? Not me.

Growing up christian, church every Sunday since I was a baby, befriending people with conservative standards...this ensured that from Sunday school age that I was steeped in the message that, "God is enough, and we shouldn't want other peoples toys because that is coveting and we aren't supposed to do that. Stuff isn't important, kids." And later..."don't pursue riches, don't worry about what your going to eat, what you are going to wear, look at the lilies of the field." 

Okay. Got it. Thank you. 

    My issue isn't that physical stuff...if it came down to that I could be pretty easily pleased. Honestly, I think I could care less if I lived the rest of my life in an RV park, working the local breakfast cafe and living off frozen pizza and PB&J sandwiches.

What it always always looks like next to my bed... lets see, Bible, three or four apologetics/theologish books, a couple notebooks, a couple fictional books, a free grace broadcaster...I think I'm half way through like, um, all of them. 

After all, a library membership is still free, so as long as I had wifi and hot water....I'd be good to go. I can see it now...me, 25, working six mornings a week, always driving a car that's at least twelve years old, coming home to a tiny trailer with a cat or two, reading any good book I could get my hands on, writing books that will never get published, playing/listening to music, watching some movies and TV shows, and jogging on the weekends after church.

If that's all there was to life, then I'd be a pretty happy camper.  I am blessed with a lot of awesome "stuff" right now. (See above references to books and music) But as cool as I think some of this stuff is...I know its really empty. I know it's dust in the end, and that my happiness can't rest on it.

Its the other kind of contentment that I go "rounds in the ring with", so to speak.

Me: Hey, I should take a selfie of what I usually look like! Make a cute face! Ummmm...never mind maybe I should just go back to writing blog posts and doing school. Apparently, I have not mastered the art of the selfie face. I think that's a good thing though.

 Weirdly, in conversations with a few people that I have had recently, they all asked me the same question, unbeknownst to each other that they were all asking it:

What do you want, Jillian? What do you want your life to look like?

Blink. Blink. Blank stare.

 "I...I dunno. I thought it was up to God to decide that. I thought it wasn't supposed to be about what I want. What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you want to do with the life God has given you? Do you want to just play violin all the time and read books and take taekwondo?  Do you want to just get married and have babies?  Do you think you might want to be a missionary?"

"Well...maybe. I mean, yeah, all of that...that would be great. But none of it's really that important if I  don't know who God is, who I am in relation to God, if I don't know what my faith is, if I don't know what I stand for, if I can't understand why God does what He does. I gotta know that first."

Let me tell you,  I've been a professing christian since I was seven, a real, baptized, heart-changed christian when I was twelve, but despite all that...here, now, I realize that my faith was more just my parents than my own. That's what happens when you grow up in a Christian home. Not that that's a bad thing...but its like becoming a christian all over again, when you really think through a plethora of subjects for yourself.

 If you grew up in a christian home too, I think this will really resonate with you. You just believed what you believed and did what you did because that's what mom and dad believe and this is what they say is right and that was enough. Life was good. Let Mommy and Daddy figure out the problems, and then tell you what to do. That was, actually, pretty easy.

And then, at some point, you find out that you must believe it for yourself. You have to hold your Christianity in your own two hands and become convicted of things in your own burning heart, while your parents stand just a little to the side and watch while you and God have it out. They are there, and you are still going to go to them first with all those millions of questions that you have, but they are not God.  They admit themselves that they are human and don't have all the answers.

For someone who never really rested on God but on their parents, this shatters your safe little world.
Holding your convictions in your hands because YOU are convicted of them...it's a hot coal. It burns. It stings. You want to throw it back. It's too much responsibility. You freak out because it turns out all along, you had no idea what your idea of God was.

So, to tie it all together, this is what I want: I want to find my contentment in God, to solidify my shaky faith in Him, to once more find my joy in Him.

Life is empty otherwise. I am stuck there, right now, unable to move into anything with any kind of passion or surety, because I don't stand on anything solid yet. No way could I become a missionary or get married or have kids or minister to others when I have not found my own contentment yet.

 After that, I can move on with life, knowing that whatever I do and wherever I am and whatever I have, the emptiness that is always in my heart can be filled by Him and no other. Not my parents, not my future husband, not my future children. Not my stuff.

I am being selfish. But I HAVE to get this done first. First Comes God, then comes me and God, and then once I have that established, this relationship of "me and God" sheds a light on everything else.

Oh hey look! A real smile.

You Can't Tell Anyone

In which is, another quote.

I'll be back to writing soon. I see a light at the end of the tunnel with my classes...please don't go away.

The Pain We Feel

In which is all I can give right now.

With each word I write, I want to encourage others. 

I want to make you smile. I want to bring you back to Christ. I wish to give you hope. To let you know you are not alone. To give pep talks to people who feel like giving up. To keep your chin up and keep you excited about life.

But some days, I am empty and have nothing to give. Because I'm really fallible and really human. I am crazy to think that I will almost always know what to say.

I'm empty.

I'm hollow.

Actually, I'm the one who needs the encouraging, mostly. I get really, really, really down and out sometimes.

 I wonder why we bother. Why parties? Why books? Why vacation? Why live here? Why live there? What does it matter?  Why try? A million questions throw me into abyss. The everyday no longer seems enough. It seems distant. Inconsequential. Time is a heavy burden. And the only thing that I can remember when it gets this rough is that God saved me, so any pain and emptiness and complete hopelessness that comes upon me, it will not last forever.

If I am one who trusts in God, I will be in Glory with Him someday. Pain in the night, Joy in the morning. If that's all we can hang onto when things get so very dark in our souls, then so be it. The pain may not go away for awhile, but it doesn't last. Hang on. This is for me, as much as anybody else.

"The pain that you feel is only temporary
It does not define you, even if 
at some point, it changes you
but not to someone ugly,
but someone who is strong
who growing 
and who is learning. 

You are a beautiful person
only passing by
this pain that is temporary"

-P.C

Stop. Turn Around. Walk Away

In which I learn to lighten up a little.

Hold on just a sec while I catch my breath...

"Pant pant. 

Okay...

 Whew."

 What a week. Month, actually.

I really, really wanted to write what would probably have been a long-winded blog post on how that emotional, thoughtful roller coaster of mine took a massive dip down for about three days, into extremely dark, cold, hopeless waters. I'm just starting to come up out of it, actually. Hence, one of the reasons I am catching my breath.

But today, I haven't time to write such a big post. The last month I've felt a connection to that poor little rabbit in Alice in Wonderland:

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! Oh dear, oh dear, oh me oh my, there's no time, no time!" ...Or something like that. Reason number two for the above panting.

Instead, I wanted to share with you the importance of something.

You know how people say..."if something's not working, walk away for a while"?

If you run in to a creative road block, if you get frustrated, if you get discouraged, if it just seems like whatever it is you are working on, trying to accomplish, is failing, just stop. Go away from it. Read a book. Pray. Take a walk. Talk it out. Re-asses it from a different mood.

 I don't care if it's cooking dinner or a huge project or a life long pursuit or a craft or school or anything you are doing. If its driving you nuts, maybe shut it down for a minute.

 Put it from your mind completely for a while.

It never really clicked with me until this week how, just, absolutely important that is. I don't know if I can put it accurately into words, the feeling of I want to give up why do I even bother what's the point that happens when you have been trying perhaps a little too hard, or trying with the wrong mindset, to accomplish something.

When you get to that point, despite the whole keep going, don't give up thing, it's time to go play a board game or take a nap. Because although it may seem like procrastination, when you feel like putting an ax through your laptop and then throwing it out window as far as you can possibly chuck it, I don't think your going to do very well at whatever your trying to do well at. (That was me by the way, guys. My poor laptop was in very real danger. Funny how a piece of technology can drive you to hot, literal tears and a meltdown. Pathetic, I know.)

If it's really important and really needs to be done, you'll go back to it. If you let something upset you that much, that something is important to you and you'll want to return to it.  Later.

It always seemed to buzz past my ears when someone said that before. Look at the bigger picture, ask yourself why your doing it again, ask if its really worth throwing an adult temper tantrum over, and in my case, if this is helping or hindering your walk with God.

If it is worth throwing a fit over it, instead of throwing a fit, throw it in a corner for a while and come back later.

 Aaaand I think I just repeated a lesson that people have thrown out there a million times before. It's a tried and true method, though.

 And if your like me and this life lesson kind of glosses over your head every time you hear it, just trust me, one of these days, the full, deep meaning of "just walking away" is going to click and you will get it. Oh, man, will you get it.

Okay. I caught my breath a little. I'm off to get more stuff done and then get frustrated and take breaks from it. See ya. (She takes off running, a little puff of dust all that's left to show that she was ever here.)

Side note: February's Resolution was to only do Pinterest on Mondays. Ha. I can safely say I only pinned about one day a week. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

This is Where I Thrive

In which I give you another quote. I am feeling quite poetic today. Deal with it.

Here's a jaw-dropper for you...I am female, therefore I am emotional.

No way, right? Betcha you never would have guessed.

My older sister told me a few weeks ago: "You know Jillian, I've been reading your blog, and you are really good at portraying feeling." (Thank you, sis, by the way. I treasure those little compliments)

And because I am emotional and so much of what I write has to do with all those feelings, I think it tends to look a little...mushy? Sappy? Melodramatic?

Sometimes I genuinely fear it's overdone. "Oh dear, am I being too sentimental? Will they think it's overkill?  Am I a literary drama queen?"

One of these days, I keep telling myself, I need to buckle down and seriously write some good, sound, theological arguments on all my beliefs on God and not make it so flowery and tender and, well...emotional. It needs to be all boxed together and organized, with a generous sprinkling of" therefores' " and "herebys' ". It might even need to seem a little boring and dry. It needs to be grown up and serious, and for Pete's sake, lose all the italic emphasis' on everything!

Sometimes I honestly think, "Why can't I write more like a well educated pastor in his fifties?" All calm arguments and logical articles on things. Besides the fact that, duh, a twenty year old female is about the farthest thing from a pastor in his fifties, I genuinely convice myself sometimes that that's what my writing style should be more like.

In a word, things should be a little more....stable.

But really...I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry folks, but I believe I will always write from the emotional roller coaster of female viewpoint. (Ooh, another shocker, right?)

Maybe it's too emotional. Maybe it's too tender. Too feminine or overdone. Maybe a little immature, wide eyed, idealistic. Perhaps it does focus too much on love and happiness and wistful thinking.

But when that is who I am, how God created me, and where I am at, how can it be anything else?

 I'm not saying its right or wrong...maybe its right, maybe its very wrong.

It is what it is. God help me if that is not what it should be.

Every so slightly unrelated, I found a quote that perfectly sums up those feelings of the past few weeks that I have been writing about. Please. Enjoy.

"Sure. I'll make small talk. Discuss the ins and outs of a 'typical' day. Pass the time lightly. Say tiny things. I'm happy to tread surfaces with a smile, and will. Sometimes. Yet-when I look at you, I know there are layers.

 Dimensions. 

Collections of ancient wisdom.

 Stories on stories. 

Core needs. 

Humanness. 

 This is where I light up. This is where I thrive. You can't be caged up in a pool for long. Not when you are someone who wants oceans." -Victoria Erickson

Fragments of the Battle

In which are rather random and unorganized thoughts on the extraordinary life.

If you have read more than one or two of any of my past posts, you'll probably see a trend:

She wants to make a difference, she knows small changes, little things, are important. She knows she can't do that whole change the world thing on her own.

You wanna to know why I always seem to harp on this whole "change the world in little ways" thing? Drum roll...I struggle with the every day, with the small things. When something doesn't seem to have point, when it seems it's a waste of time, when I go out in the world, observe the people, driving in their cars, busy doing all their things, and its all material and I can't connect with them, it frustrates me. immensely.

Wait...we are talking about Jillian here, right? The girl who loves her little blessings and the simple life and the mundane tasks? The girl who does the normal things with joy and fulfillment? Who realizes that the everyday things at her fingertips are actually mind boggling? 

I thought all she wanted to do was write, read books, get married, and love people?

But you see, that's why she writes about the small stuff so much. Because she is trying, with Gods help, to embrace it.

I picture this: A woman who diligently does the extraordinary. All the the people she connects with, she touches in an unforgettable, fresh way, she leaves them with a slightly changed life. The type of person who, after you have a conversation with her, leaves behind traces of hope and strength the greatest of all...unconditional love.

She lives a life that is bustling with people, that sings of a job well done. Every thing she does, she throws herself into recklessly. She gives everything. She connects with people, does her level best to understand them. She realizes how blessed she is by God, how much God gave her, how much of a change God has made in her life, inward and outward. She lives those changes daily.  She decides she is willing to die for her family, if the need ever arose.

 Each moment is experienced to its fullest, dreams and thoughts are realized, blessings given and taken, joy comes from pain. Times of solemn reflection, even torturous, philosophical thoughts on God and Satan and the world and how everything relates. An ever passionate feeling, always excited for the amazing things that are going to come.  Everything she does has a purpose, has a goal to make improvement, somewhere on earth. She wants to burn bright, burn strong, stand out, give others everything. It is a life that could be set to This type of music.

Why can't I be an extraordinary girl in a broken world? Why can't I live the epic saga of life?
I fear boredom. I fear getting tired of this life, of the people in it. That is selfish. I do not want to be that selfish, so consequently, I should  afraid of the mundane, right? Because I should not be thinking of myself.

I know, even though I does not like it, that the way to live extraordinarily is to live the ordinary. To run the errands and babysit the kids and clean the house...even though it seems so... material. So tiresome. Pointless. Repetitive. But it has it's place, it's purpose. Perhaps that purpose is solely to be content with what I have.

I realize I am not special in this area. We all crave grandness. Why else do we, as humans, gobble up stories and movies and music that play with and pull on our emotions, and always wish for life to be more, well, grand? (On a side note, is it not grand that we have such a full and deep range of emotions?)


"...I'll struggle on, inspired that God has called me to this life -- not even this life in particular but to life in general. The life of creativity, of love, of beauty, of holiness -- and all of that at a high price of discipline". Bailey, MHJ

Single And...Well, Sorry

In which, trying to find joy in my solitude, I struggle.
 (Written in the shadow of Valentines day. No, of course it's not a coincidence. Pfft. Don't be silly)

So funny thing: I wrote this resolve about being really happy and single.

I said I was so grateful that I was not married.

After I wrote that, it was as if God gave a knowing nod of His head and said: "Okay, lets test that one. Are you really happy and single?" 

It probably hasn't helped that I have been reading C.S Lewis' "A Grief Observed", a book of his thoughts after his beloved wife died of cancer. It is an absolutely beautiful picture of two people whose minds met, whose souls touched, whose intellects sparked each-other, and they experienced the merging of two christian souls, a connection far beyond the physical. (Do go read it. It's very sad but it is worth it)

 Lewis wrote many analogies of what it felt like to have her gone: A ship without it's starboard side, a man with his leg cut off, who continually feels the phantom pain, an entire half of who he was, something that had locked together and merged with him, ripped away. He questioned his own belief in the sovereignty and goodness of God.

Perhaps it is a silly fantasy of mine, but I felt like I could relate to Lewis. I simply stand on the other side of that problem... I have not connected with whoever my soul mate is yet. I don't feel whole. Somethings not complete. I am missing a huge key piece of what my life is going to be. Some days, that phantom pain of something I have not even known yet, really screams at me.

So am I chugging along, waiting for that other human being, whoever he is, to come and merge with me, to feel whole?

 Or, is this me, coming closer to being content with Gods love alone?

But if God created me to be a married person, to become someones other half, than is it not as it should be, to feel incomplete?
(You know, right? In Genesis? it was it not good that man was alone? So of course it's not good for woman to be alone either. Duh*)

Perhaps, then, I should just try to shelve this longing, instead of trying to get rid of it, shelve it up high and as out of reach as humanly possible, until the time is right and I can pull it out, and enjoy it in all its fullness. Can I tuck it away for now? 

I turn once more to my handy notebook filled with past thoughts:

"In a recent conversation with a wise older man, he told me how his son is a mountain guide. His son will take people into the mountains, into the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, they get snowed in, stuck, up in the wilderness. Some people get very worried and they feel like they have to get back to civilization at the time they set in there minds. Everything becomes an emergency, stressful, filled with anxiety. 

Others, they look around and see it as an adventure, something to sit back and watch, enjoying each new and unexpected thing. They see the problems as challenges to take on and overcome. The urgent emergency became a grand adventure to wonder at and have good memories of. 

The man who was telling me this story was talking in regards to my being single. I loved this, and it has come to my mind multiple times since then. 

As I think about all the things little, big, important, all the enjoyable and the terrible, it comes to mind:

An adventure, Jillian. Enjoy every single minute."

Even the struggles I have with vast and ridiculous self consciousness, the aching to be one with someone else, the ups and downs, the overwhelming desire to tell myself I am just not good enough to do anything, dealing with the mundane things in life, and all the times I question myself and  my God, they are a challenge that sharpens me, not just a depressing problem to deal with.

*It sounds like I am contradicting my last post on singleness, right? In no way. I still hold to everything I stated, more then ever. But I had to be honest about the struggle. This is my challenge right now. This is my adventure. How will it end? The saga will continue, I'm sure. Happy Valentines day, by the way.

When We Feel Like Going Insane

In which we find hope, relief, maybe even contentment and joy, on the bad days.

I learned a new term recently: Facefloor. Like facepalm only, times fifty, and just...way more accurate. 

That feeling when your day/week/month/year okay life... has been too frustrating or people too hurtful and your brain-won't-rest-and-you're-bored-but-there's-too-much-to-do-and-its-all-hopeless-and-muddled. There is, simultaneously, too much to think about and not enough to occupy your mind. And it's driving you nuts and  you don't know how to cope.

Or maybe I'm the only one who gets that slightly crazed, I'm gonna scream feeling where you wish you were doing great things, lack the drive to do them, but feel like life is completely empty and pointless unless you are living every minute to its full potential, running around doing everything you can to change all the bad and put more good into the world. Because, hello, I'm a Christian and I've got to do my part to carry out the great commission or else I will be a total failure as a redeemed human being.

 There are opportunities...people who are asking you for time and help...but it's really complicated and you don't know what to say or do most of the time. So the ending desire is, as stated, to just put your face to the floor. Or bang it against a wall, letting said face stay there. And groan and whimper like a little puppy. And then, if you're like me, probably cry.

Aaaaaand then get mad at yourself for having a selfish little pity party.

It's kinda brutal, guys.

So, over this weekend, I have made a list on how I get relief from the labyrinth of my own troubled thoughts, to quiet that worrisome fire...and maybe even be calm again.

There is, perhaps, better ways to go about doing this. It may not have the same effect on other people as they do on me. Hey, it might not even be all that wise.

I could probably do an extensive study in the Bible for times like this. I fact I probably should. Then I get to thinking about all the subjects I really ought to delve into scripture with and schoooom...I'm off into that whirlwind thinking maze again. Too much, too much to process...

But this is what I came up with. This is what soothes my soul. Take it or leave it. Use it or laugh at it. I don't care. It's patched together. It's not going to fix my life. It's not a remedy for all problems. There is more to it. If I had months to work this out, I would probably come up with more studied, profound ways to deal with my own issues. In fact, I might just do that months from now.  I will most likely look back at this particular post and wonder what on earth I was trying to get across.

This also doubles as another reasons for Eucharisteo entry. This particular list just has a specific focus today. Here goes:

26. The very ability to look around and be thankful for blessings, Be they large or very small. It is a blessing in and of itself.  It is, perhaps, difficult to do at times...

27...Last Thursday I was out doing errands with my Mum, sitting in the car worrying, thinking, mulling over people, possible situations, past hurts, future problems. But stop. The sky was crystal clear blue, and it was sunny and unusually warm. That sun was reflecting off the snow on the mountains, making it such a brilliant day. Which got me to thinking...

28. How truly awesome it is. Little atoms, the electrons and neutrons floating around...

29...Each one is a microscopic building block for air and snow and the sun's heat.

30. How we have the ozone layer, protecting us from harm, but letting through the light that we need...

31. Millions of factors making the sky that glorious blue.

32. And there are billions and billions of these things going on, those atoms connecting, stacking, exchanging, moving. I can't even wrap my head around all that constant, bustling activity and infinite order, on a global scale...much less a galactic one.

33. It's all bursting, swelling with life and discoveries. It's noisy and busy and chaotic yet organized.

34.  And I am minuscule. I am a tiny, little, fragmented part of it all. I understand so little of it all. But I have the ability to understand that I can't understand it all. (did you hear that? That was my mind exploding)

35. This post...and especially this quote from it: "..This is about more than thankfulness—this is about finding delight in things that ride the edge of awful and awesome (like the first snowfall). If you’ve got the choice to hate it or love it, try loving it."

36. Realizing that we do not have to always feel sublimely happy or perfectly at peace. It is an unachievable thing, to be the perfect christian, who is always on a spiritual high and always ready with an answer for every conceivable question about their faith, who always knows how to help a friend who is hurting or struggling with something. Sometimes, so it seems, we have got to just slog through it all the best we can, holding on to God and His word with a white-knuckled death grip.

37. Remembering that since we are so minuscule, the world is not going to end when we go nuts. Granted, our world may seem like it is going to fall to pieces some days...shredded apart by discouragement and sin and grief and misery and hurt and I-could-keep-going...but life goes on. Come out the better person after it all. Easier said then done, I know. Trust me, I know.

38. The ability to sometimes, shut down all these stressful thoughts, fold up the crazy mind-map, and just focus on something simple. Like a movie. Or a board game. Or a walk outside. A book.  Hallelujah amen praise the Lord for the capacity to just zone out. You have no idea.

39. Of course, reading my Bible is always a blessing. I can find scriptures, perhaps ones that I did not expect, that put my mind at rest. Like Titus 3:4-7.

40. Having My hope in God, and not in man.