Sunday, April 26, 2015


In which are musings to change the way we think of day.

 Day. A strange, quirky, fascinating journey.


 Think about it.

In the morning, it's kind of all slow and foggy and still a little dark. Things are cool and fresh and smell like coffee shops and sound like birds just starting to chirp. We listen to different music than we do at night. Your mood in the morning? It's not going to happen at any other time of the day.

But by the time night comes around, our senses are fully alive. We are ready to wrap up a day that was a roller coaster of life and food and conversations. It was full of boring moments. Sad moments.  Hysterical laughter. Impatience. Frustration.

We may have just interacted with a surprisingly large amount of people as this day went on. We probably impacted even more people than we will ever know.

So all the sudden, only hours later, we are in a completely different world than we were in hours before. And in a few hours, it will start all over again. Some days are a long journey, a day that was an nightfall, morning really did feel like it was years ago.

Sometimes we may feel like it gets a little old. Like days need to be longer, because we have to make breakfast and get up and take another shower and brush our teeth again, even though we just did it yesterday and a thousand yesterdays before that.

But that's just it. We have taken these thousands of journeys, from dewy, clean mornings to emotional, volatile night time. Over and over. Its like our life is splintered up into countless little lives, that pass in a brief 24 hour period.

So think of that next time you open your curtains in the morning, or end your night with weary eyes. Think of all the billions of things you'll do, just in that day, or all the millions of emotions you traveled though, as your eyelids droop with fatigue.

Think of how a day is like a little lifetime. You are born into the morning, your eyes opening, blinking at the light. You stretch. You will grow, however slowly. You will be hurt. You will be loved. You will discover. You will want to give up on something. You grow weary. You die into the night. But you will try your life all over again the next day.

Think of that. Think of the beauty in that. The wonder and strangeness. Change your perspective.

And don't even get me started on nighttime. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

Pieces Of Me...J.C

Look guys. I made a quote. Since this, my blog, is a place for me to throw all my literary scribbles and random creativity at the world, sometimes, stuff like this is just gonna happen.

Take it or leave it. I don't care.

It's just a piece of me...J.C.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Mad World Mash Up

In which I mash up a song with outlooks on life...and then mash up outlooks on life.

All Around me are familiar faces,

Worn out places, 
Worn out faces,
Bright and early for their daily races 
Going nowhere,

 It's nothing really special or extraordinary when someone in their late teens or early twenties has widened the horizons of their mind and has started thinking about life and the world.

I mean, when you get past school, and all your clear set goals (high school, college or whatnot) have been completed, at some point you have to think about how you want to live your life, and how you should be living it.

And you know, I'm not really talking about the career that you may want to have or where you want to live, how much money you would like to earn. Or whether or not you want to get married, what kind of foods you'll eat, the type of ministries you would like to be involved in. Whether or not you will be a morning person or a night owl. No, that's not really what I'm getting at. To me, all that stuff is secondary.

You want to know what comes first? You've got to know how you are going to get through day to day, in and out, and what your attitude about your daily life is going to be.

Their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow 
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

We've got to find out, with Bibles in hand, how we are going to going to get through this life in our minds and souls.
 Because I could run around and "do" a million things, fill up my life with work to be done and books to read and people to minister to. I could cram in all sorts of stuff to keep me busy all my life, if I wanted to. But I could either hate every minute of it, survive every minute of it, or try to enjoy all of it, boring or busy as it may be.

It's like saying that whoever you marry, you could have two views about. You could say it's an amazing thing that you met the very person that you married, out of all the six billion people in the world, and you got to meet someone as special and unique and as perfect for you, as they are. You could just be thrilled that you get to marry someone like them, because there is no one out their in the world like that, and say wow thank you Lord I got to marry someone who matches up with my funny quirks and moods, this is so awesome!

Or, you could just kind of say that out of all the billions of people in the world, there are probably several out there who are compatible with you, so when you get married, you just found one of those many people who are compatible enough with you. And you get life done with them because you have to get life done. (FYI, I tend to like the first outlook a lot better. But I can see myself sliding into the second outlook, too)

I could either be the happy little housewife straight from the fifties, all frilly aprons and baking cookies and dressing up her little babies and hanging her clothes on the line in domestic bliss, budgeting and knitting and "nesting" with a fierce relish . Trust me, some days in life I get in a uncontrollable nesting mood. I bake those cookies with a vigor and it's glorious.

Or I could just clean the house because it must be done, and take the kids to the park because it's what people do, all the while torn between questions, my life literally seeming to pull at itself, tearing itself apart. For these questions always hang in my mind: Why does my life matter? How much does this life of mine matter? and because of that, How should I conduct my life? Can I look at it with joy?

I find it kind of funny,
I  find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
If I believe I am saved by God, a God who loved me enough to send His son to die for me, than my life is eternal and precious. What I do, How I spend my time here on earth is thus very important, as I must use this time to further Gods kingdom. Everything I do, every action I take, (or don't take) is drastically important. After all, I am a child of God and it grieves this God when I am doing nothing the the life that He gave me, when I am mediocre, selfish, or lazy. Everything becomes hugely important and I have a high, (and scary) calling to always strive to be holier. Because on that day when I get called home, my deeds in christian life will have been held of great importance, and if my life be a disappointment, I can only equivalent the pain of that remorse and disappointment to the earth exploding inside my chest, fracturing out into an infinity of pieces and hurting all those around me. This is much pressure. This is high calling. This takes otherworldly discipline.

What about this:
I know I am saved by a grace so great that it keeps forgiving me. I see my life as minuscule. After all, if you look at things on a cosmic scale, one significant christian is not much to be considered. To God, a thousand years is like a day. Say I live to be 95. As long a time as that may seem to exist, it is nothing, nothing....a mere snippet in time. So all the  the hundreds of millions of things that I, my job, my acts of kindness, my sinful acts of selfishness, what I do with my life, how productive it ends up being...well, all of that is just a blink to God. Should I take myself so seriously?

Or perhaps each of these views should be mashed together, and I should find a balance between them all.

Just thinking out loud, folks. 

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very
mad world
mad world 
These are excerpts from a song called "Mad World", and while it is not a christian song, it speaks of a very real message of the emptiness of this world we keep running around and doing our daily races in. I love Jasmine Thompsons cover. So haunting and true. I think I've listened this one to death over the past couple weeks.

Saturday, April 4, 2015


In which I get selfish and write about myself and my life...oh wait, that's almost every post...

Keeping a regular Journal is not really my thing,

Despite the fact that I write a scrap of something in at least one of my sixteen (yes, sixteen) half filled notebooks everyday. (I like to tell myself each notebook kind of has it's own subject. This ones for spiritual thoughts, that ones for making lists, this ones for story ideas, that ones for blog post ideas, this one is for my favorite quotes from books, that one is for emotional feelings, this one is...yeah you get the idea.) 

But I was inspired by pinterest (ehehe) just to try some good old plain journaling (I don't think that's a word. Any way you should try this. It's kinda fun). 

1. Thinking: About life. The point of life. Some days, it's just enough to be a person and do normal person things like eat breakfast and read books and take walks and clean house and go to work. Most days, though, for someone like me, I am also thinking about why I am doing this or that, what the point is, if I should be doing something else, and if I really can be happy living this everyday, physical life, when something in my heart keeps aching and telling me how life is so much more than material things. It hurts so much just to be a physical human being doing mundane things sometimes. I am a soul with body, as C.S Lewis so accurately said. And living the everyday, minute by physical's achingly painful some days. I don't like it. Sometimes, I don't want to find wonder in this world, even though I know I should. This soul gets a little stir crazy inside this body, and gets the inexpressible urge to make that physical body scream or cry or throw something at a wall. Just because I am not enough, and this world seems to be not enough. "Find your place, Jillian. Let the blessings of this world make you physically happy but not soulfully content. Stop trying to do this shallow thing of finding all your happiness in a nicely decorated room or a new movie or good food. You know those things won't cut it, silly girl. Appreciate a marvelous mountain view, a vigorous hike, a good book. Appreciate and enjoy it all. But stop trying to fill up a eternal glass with a perishable water. This physical world is the overflow of our cup that runneth over with is not what fills that cup in the first place."

2. Enjoying: Words. Bible verses, lovely quotes, new words, music lyrics, written words. Because they are something physical, something seen and heard, that represents something not seen. The body of a soul, I guess you could say.

3. Feeling: Sad. But happy. Because "Sad is happy for deep people". (apparently, this quote is from Doctor Who. And I haven't even seen Doctor Who. But this quote though. It's so accurate it makes my hurt heart)

4. Wearing: Um, Dark purple and turquoise. This color combo kinda makes me happy for some reason. For example, my blog header.

5. Needing: To study more of Gods word.

6. Wanting: To be Okay with my christian walk. To not be so perturbed by it.

7. Listening: To "the best of Epic Music 2012" on Youtube. Another physical thing representing the soulful and untouchable.

8. Making: Um, lets see. Oh, I'm sewing a coat that I designed myself. Slow going. I'm so gonna show it off on the internet when it's done though.

9. Eating: Well, currently nothing. But I did have a pretty good omelet this morning.

10. Drinking: A raspberry mocha. Okay, Okay,  so physical food can be pretty awesome sometimes....