Saturday, March 21, 2015

Don't Let Me Lose My Wonder

In which I list out some Eucharisteo.

Despite the fact that I struggle living in this world that God made,

 I know it's wonderful. It's amazing. The universe is beyond mind-boggling. Stars and galaxies are incredible. I know it.

 I just sometimes have a hard time living in the dimension where I  look at things with wide eyed wonder, and see these things instead as basic elements, mashed together, in different colors, with no reason to go out and see it, cause you know, it's all just 118 different types of stuff.  
The world, the universe is way more complicated and intricate than that.

 But instead, over and over, I get caught up in myself and my own woes and confusions. I get wrapped up in my own head, and the physical world outside me is this strange state of being right up against my skin while still being hollow and empty and millions of miles away.

 Why do people bother to go travel the world anyway? Water is water, wherever you go. Mountains and hills and plains and valleys are just dirt and rock. People are people. They eat and sleep and live for their own happiness, the world over. Are we in search of something new? Do you think you'll find it if you just wander around the earth? Why does this fill you with such happiness and wonder all the time, to look at mountain range or an ocean, or a waterfall, and sometimes I just can't seem to get out of my own head and enjoy anything?

Which is why I think it's time I listed some reasons for Eucharisteo. To remind myself that this crack in time I exist in can be pretty awesomely fantastic if I just let it.

41.Clear, Starry nights. The ones that make me feel small and insignificant and like a tiny, tiny speck. Like a microscopic piece of something beyond me, so beyond me that I can't comprehend it and I feel terrified and exposed. (Wait, she just said she likes feeling absolutely terrified? Yeah, in a weird scared curl-up-in-a-ball kind of way.)

42. Driving down the highway on said starry nights with the windows down (cold out or not) and the music cranked up to a point it probably shouldn't be. I finally get why my parents always enjoyed going out "just for a drive".  When you're the one at the wheel...power. It's the next best thing to...

43. Running. Or well, in my case, running and then jogging and then walking and then sprinting off again, as the mood takes you. When all the frustrations and unanswered questions and yes, absolute hopelessness comes to its peak, you will find me running it out (for hours), rain or shine. (I prefer rain because it generally matches my mood.)
44. A brother-in-law and big sister who are willing to stay up past 10:30 at night and talk with you about life. Even though they have to be up before the sun next morning and go to work and take care of three small children and live a crazy busy life. They made time for me. That's pretty special.

45. Said brother-in-law who knows the art of Eucharisteo. " Think about it, toes are so awesome, Jillian! and wood, wood is amazing! We can cut it up and put nails through it and yet it builds a great big house!" ( I'm not even kidding. He was giddy about toes, guys. Toes. And I can't find exhilaration in an ocean.)

46. The incredible chemical reaction that happens in our bodies when we see something cool or amazing or beautiful. We see an really neat view from a mountaintop, while feeling a cool breeze, smell that dirt and that air, feel that rain on our face, fill our lungs and our eyes with these things, and it triggers something in nervous system that starts a chain reaction. End result? Exhilaration and awe. If you stop to think about it, that's pretty wondrous.

47. The beating of a physical heart. I have this strange fascination with heartbeats, guys. I like to put my hands on my little niece and nephews chest and feel their thumping. When my music teacher told me to use my heartbeat as a metronome, the coolest thing happened. You have to be really quiet, listen to your heart thumping in your chest for a moment, and then play your song in time with that, keep beat with your own heart, whenever it speeds up or slows down. If you are musician, please, try this a few times. Its magnificent.

48. Consequently, this poem is one of my favorites:

I feel a little better now. I know I will get wrapped up in my own head and my own worries again...and I'll think of more blessings again. Perhaps my life will not always be this endless cycle of despair and then remembering all the reasons why not to despair. then again, maybe it will. But at least I have these blessings to hold on to. God did give me blessings, despite everything else that gets dished out that I don't understand.

1 comment:

  1. Good job, Jillian! I love your "Reasons for Eucharisteo" and think they are a great way to regain perspective.
    I love starry nights, too. They make me feel really small, also, but then I think of how Almighty God, who made these fantastic displays of light and order, became human Himself to save, redeem, and have a thriving relationship with teeny, tiny me. This blows my mind! Then, also, the thought that He made even teenier systems inside of me, that keep my body functioning and make me who I am. How unfathomable, in the really, really, small, and the really, really, big, are God's designs! : )
    Had more to say, but I've go to go. : D
    - Becca Lee