Stop. Turn Around. Walk Away

In which I learn to lighten up a little.

Hold on just a sec while I catch my breath...

"Pant pant. 

Okay...

 Whew."

 What a week. Month, actually.

I really, really wanted to write what would probably have been a long-winded blog post on how that emotional, thoughtful roller coaster of mine took a massive dip down for about three days, into extremely dark, cold, hopeless waters. I'm just starting to come up out of it, actually. Hence, one of the reasons I am catching my breath.

But today, I haven't time to write such a big post. The last month I've felt a connection to that poor little rabbit in Alice in Wonderland:

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! Oh dear, oh dear, oh me oh my, there's no time, no time!" ...Or something like that. Reason number two for the above panting.

Instead, I wanted to share with you the importance of something.

You know how people say..."if something's not working, walk away for a while"?

If you run in to a creative road block, if you get frustrated, if you get discouraged, if it just seems like whatever it is you are working on, trying to accomplish, is failing, just stop. Go away from it. Read a book. Pray. Take a walk. Talk it out. Re-asses it from a different mood.

 I don't care if it's cooking dinner or a huge project or a life long pursuit or a craft or school or anything you are doing. If its driving you nuts, maybe shut it down for a minute.

 Put it from your mind completely for a while.

It never really clicked with me until this week how, just, absolutely important that is. I don't know if I can put it accurately into words, the feeling of I want to give up why do I even bother what's the point that happens when you have been trying perhaps a little too hard, or trying with the wrong mindset, to accomplish something.

When you get to that point, despite the whole keep going, don't give up thing, it's time to go play a board game or take a nap. Because although it may seem like procrastination, when you feel like putting an ax through your laptop and then throwing it out window as far as you can possibly chuck it, I don't think your going to do very well at whatever your trying to do well at. (That was me by the way, guys. My poor laptop was in very real danger. Funny how a piece of technology can drive you to hot, literal tears and a meltdown. Pathetic, I know.)

If it's really important and really needs to be done, you'll go back to it. If you let something upset you that much, that something is important to you and you'll want to return to it.  Later.

It always seemed to buzz past my ears when someone said that before. Look at the bigger picture, ask yourself why your doing it again, ask if its really worth throwing an adult temper tantrum over, and in my case, if this is helping or hindering your walk with God.

If it is worth throwing a fit over it, instead of throwing a fit, throw it in a corner for a while and come back later.

 Aaaand I think I just repeated a lesson that people have thrown out there a million times before. It's a tried and true method, though.

 And if your like me and this life lesson kind of glosses over your head every time you hear it, just trust me, one of these days, the full, deep meaning of "just walking away" is going to click and you will get it. Oh, man, will you get it.

Okay. I caught my breath a little. I'm off to get more stuff done and then get frustrated and take breaks from it. See ya. (She takes off running, a little puff of dust all that's left to show that she was ever here.)

Side note: February's Resolution was to only do Pinterest on Mondays. Ha. I can safely say I only pinned about one day a week. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

This is Where I Thrive

In which I give you another quote. I am feeling quite poetic today. Deal with it.

Here's a jaw-dropper for you...I am female, therefore I am emotional.

No way, right? Betcha you never would have guessed.

My older sister told me a few weeks ago: "You know Jillian, I've been reading your blog, and you are really good at portraying feeling." (Thank you, sis, by the way. I treasure those little compliments)

And because I am emotional and so much of what I write has to do with all those feelings, I think it tends to look a little...mushy? Sappy? Melodramatic?

Sometimes I genuinely fear it's overdone. "Oh dear, am I being too sentimental? Will they think it's overkill?  Am I a literary drama queen?"

One of these days, I keep telling myself, I need to buckle down and seriously write some good, sound, theological arguments on all my beliefs on God and not make it so flowery and tender and, well...emotional. It needs to be all boxed together and organized, with a generous sprinkling of" therefores' " and "herebys' ". It might even need to seem a little boring and dry. It needs to be grown up and serious, and for Pete's sake, lose all the italic emphasis' on everything!

Sometimes I honestly think, "Why can't I write more like a well educated pastor in his fifties?" All calm arguments and logical articles on things. Besides the fact that, duh, a twenty year old female is about the farthest thing from a pastor in his fifties, I genuinely convice myself sometimes that that's what my writing style should be more like.

In a word, things should be a little more....stable.

But really...I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry folks, but I believe I will always write from the emotional roller coaster of female viewpoint. (Ooh, another shocker, right?)

Maybe it's too emotional. Maybe it's too tender. Too feminine or overdone. Maybe a little immature, wide eyed, idealistic. Perhaps it does focus too much on love and happiness and wistful thinking.

But when that is who I am, how God created me, and where I am at, how can it be anything else?

 I'm not saying its right or wrong...maybe its right, maybe its very wrong.

It is what it is. God help me if that is not what it should be.

Every so slightly unrelated, I found a quote that perfectly sums up those feelings of the past few weeks that I have been writing about. Please. Enjoy.

"Sure. I'll make small talk. Discuss the ins and outs of a 'typical' day. Pass the time lightly. Say tiny things. I'm happy to tread surfaces with a smile, and will. Sometimes. Yet-when I look at you, I know there are layers.

 Dimensions. 

Collections of ancient wisdom.

 Stories on stories. 

Core needs. 

Humanness. 

 This is where I light up. This is where I thrive. You can't be caged up in a pool for long. Not when you are someone who wants oceans." -Victoria Erickson

Fragments of the Battle

In which are rather random and unorganized thoughts on the extraordinary life.

If you have read more than one or two of any of my past posts, you'll probably see a trend:

She wants to make a difference, she knows small changes, little things, are important. She knows she can't do that whole change the world thing on her own.

You wanna to know why I always seem to harp on this whole "change the world in little ways" thing? Drum roll...I struggle with the every day, with the small things. When something doesn't seem to have point, when it seems it's a waste of time, when I go out in the world, observe the people, driving in their cars, busy doing all their things, and its all material and I can't connect with them, it frustrates me. immensely.

Wait...we are talking about Jillian here, right? The girl who loves her little blessings and the simple life and the mundane tasks? The girl who does the normal things with joy and fulfillment? Who realizes that the everyday things at her fingertips are actually mind boggling? 

I thought all she wanted to do was write, read books, get married, and love people?

But you see, that's why she writes about the small stuff so much. Because she is trying, with Gods help, to embrace it.

I picture this: A woman who diligently does the extraordinary. All the the people she connects with, she touches in an unforgettable, fresh way, she leaves them with a slightly changed life. The type of person who, after you have a conversation with her, leaves behind traces of hope and strength the greatest of all...unconditional love.

She lives a life that is bustling with people, that sings of a job well done. Every thing she does, she throws herself into recklessly. She gives everything. She connects with people, does her level best to understand them. She realizes how blessed she is by God, how much God gave her, how much of a change God has made in her life, inward and outward. She lives those changes daily.  She decides she is willing to die for her family, if the need ever arose.

 Each moment is experienced to its fullest, dreams and thoughts are realized, blessings given and taken, joy comes from pain. Times of solemn reflection, even torturous, philosophical thoughts on God and Satan and the world and how everything relates. An ever passionate feeling, always excited for the amazing things that are going to come.  Everything she does has a purpose, has a goal to make improvement, somewhere on earth. She wants to burn bright, burn strong, stand out, give others everything. It is a life that could be set to This type of music.

Why can't I be an extraordinary girl in a broken world? Why can't I live the epic saga of life?
I fear boredom. I fear getting tired of this life, of the people in it. That is selfish. I do not want to be that selfish, so consequently, I should  afraid of the mundane, right? Because I should not be thinking of myself.

I know, even though I does not like it, that the way to live extraordinarily is to live the ordinary. To run the errands and babysit the kids and clean the house...even though it seems so... material. So tiresome. Pointless. Repetitive. But it has it's place, it's purpose. Perhaps that purpose is solely to be content with what I have.

I realize I am not special in this area. We all crave grandness. Why else do we, as humans, gobble up stories and movies and music that play with and pull on our emotions, and always wish for life to be more, well, grand? (On a side note, is it not grand that we have such a full and deep range of emotions?)


"...I'll struggle on, inspired that God has called me to this life -- not even this life in particular but to life in general. The life of creativity, of love, of beauty, of holiness -- and all of that at a high price of discipline". Bailey, MHJ

Commission: Transform

In which I give you one of my favorite things.

 Time for a little math: 

Jillian+weekend+busy+sick=No blog post.

 Technically, that's not altogether true because this is a blog post...but it's something I promised myself I would not do too often...stick up a favorite quote and not write anything original.

 I was going to list all the things I have on my plate right now, but that seemed...kind of like a teenagers Facebook post where they are trying to complain/brag at the same time. Ick (Inwardly gags).  May it never be. (Too late. I now realize that's what last Mondays post had in it. Sorry. No really, I apologize.)

 You might be seeing a few of these "unoriginal" little posts over the next few weeks. But really, this is a beautiful quote,and although its missing any references to God or the christian life, the great commission is what I have in mind when I read it. I pray it inspires you like it does me:

People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world. They hold to the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they  are satisfied with small changes. 

Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world. People who want to make a difference get frustrated along the way but if they have a particularly stressful day, they don't quite, they keep going. Given their accomplishments, most of them are shockingly normal and the way they spend each day can be quite mundane. 

They don't teach grand lessons that suddenly enlighten entire communities, they teach small lessons that can bring incremental improvement to one man or woman, boy or girl. They don't do anything to call attention to themselves, they simply pay attention to the everyday needs of others if its only one person. 

They bring change in ways most people will never read about or applaud. And because of the way these changers wired, they wouldn't think about living their lives any other way. 

Beth Clark, Kisses From Katie